Contrary Head revisited

[David]

When I am on my last legs,
if it is not too much trouble,
carry me out to Contrary Head
and prop me up, so that I can look
south to the Calf, island rich
in abandoned lighthouses
and jaunty bird life,

and I will try to slip away,
quietly, without any fuss,
as the tide ebbs. I could do worse
than be taken off to such an isle
in a swanlike vessel, like Arthur
on a water ride. Wurlitzer music.
Stars over homophonic Mourne.

[David]

I thought I'd revisit this to see if I could get something a bit different out of it. The original is here: http://www.poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=22869

(Does anyone know how to do hyperlinks here now?)

[1lankest]

Lovely. Is Contrary Head a real place? If so, I can see why the poetic fates drew you to it’s subject - terrific. And brilliantly written. I would lose ‘any’. Just, ‘without fuss’ is , well, less fussy.

Luke

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi David,
interesting revision.
I think S1/L4 could stand a little elaboration, 'prop me up' against/with what?
And I'm constantly misreading S2/L7 as 'homophobic Mourne'. (Do you
really need to point it out?)


When I am on my last legs,
and if it is not too much trouble,
carry me to Contrary Head
[lay me there, in the summer grass]
that I might look south
towards the Calf. From here

I will try to slip away, quietly,
without fuss, as the tide ebbs.
I could do worse than be taken off
to such an isle: a water ride
in a swan-like vessel, Wurlitzer music.
The stars above Mourne. [And Guinevere]



I think it's a shame that S3 of the original (despite its surfeit of 'the') has been cut.



Regards, Not


.

[JJWilliamson]

Hi David

Well, I remember the first version, which surprised me. Not because it wasn't memorable but because I remember enjoying
it first time round. The Calf is the Calf of Man is it not?

I'm on the fence, I'm afraid, because I like both versions. I loved the stonechats, for example, and the hamper was a tempting touch,
but I really like the brevity of this new version.

JJ

[twoleftfeet]

Hi,David

Although I like the original,I have to say this new version gels perfectly with the title.
I can just imagine it being read by the apologetic Mr Ronnie Corbett, with a huge pause after "Arthur",
Or maybe Jon Pertwee (Worzel Gummidge) wearing his contrary head

I'm not keen on "homophonic" - would prefer some kind of play on mourn/Mourne,
-hesitantly qualified,of course - don't want to put anyone to any trouble..

Much enjoyed
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

(Does anyone know how to do hyperlinks here now?)

I don't think it's possible,atm,David.
Maybe Nicola can fix it?

[Elphin]

I am not sure this is working old fella.

In typical David style it starts off elegiac and then a slight sense of the ridiculous with the Arthur swan ride and the Wurlitzer. All good and well with the approach .... but I think to really land it the ridiculous needs to be extended, something disclosed about the fella. Why this island and more importantly why the “ridiculousness”. I think it’s too finely balanced at the moment,

Oh ... the last line doesn’t work IMO. I too read homophobic! And even reading properly it’s not carrying the weight of a final line.

Ouch!

elph

[Antcliff]

Since Elph/Geoff have raised doubts about the last line, let me join in. Couldn't you just drop "homophonic" as something that explains what the reader should be left to spot?


Seth

[Macavity]

I guess the concentrated version has brought more focus on the concluding line. I get more elegiac feel from the original.

best

mac

[David]

Mac, you prefer the original! Hoist by my own petard.

Seth, Elph, Geoff, Not, I agree with you (all) about the last line. (Now.) Perhaps I was trying to be too clever with my homophonic Mourne. It just struck me, out there, one night.

I still quite like the fairground effect of the Wurlitzer and the swan.

JJ, Luke, thanks.

Cheers all

David