Poetry Forum

Eager to feel the bristled touch
Taste corners, curves, courage,
Lust

Earth smell, worked hand,
Adulterous eyes;
Hidden behind a droll disguise

Rippling shivers stroke shoulders
Naked and new
To smouldering stares

Bitten lips brush tenderly,
Bursting safety
Blankets abandoned, bodies evolved.

Love it, really good

Glittering eyes;

was my only beef.

The rest works well, I like your abrupt to-the-point style.

- Caleb

Thanks for your comments. Is the change any better, pseud?

I'm conscious that I'm describing eyes twice and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

Changed one of them to stare, think it sounds much better.

The liberal use of alliteration worked well here. A concise and effective poem.

good one

Missi,

A good read, we've had a lot of those lately. Cam must be on cloud nine. Adulterous is an improvement over glittering... The only thing I'd add to the boys here, is to take out a few of your "the"s as it might make the poem a touch more fluid.

Ex:

Earth smell, worked hand,
Adulterous eyes;
Hidden behind droll disguises

Rippling shivers stroke shoulders
Naked and new
To smouldering stares


See what you think.

Cheers,

Keith

Yes but doesn't Tao have some sort of rule about 'what goes up must come down?'

(Or was that physics?)

Yes Miss I think that your edit improves the poem.

Your style is much like our own Camus'.

perhaps cloud seven, then.

/

I really like

"Bursting the safety
Blankets abandoned, bodies evolved."

I have to agree with Keith - lose the definite articles.

"Hidden behind (the) droll disguise"
- the construct doesn't work for me -
how about "disguised by ......." ? (Just a suggestion)

Thanks for the read
Geoff

I'm trying to depict a strong, hard working man who wants to be with the protagonist, but hides his emotions behind jokes - a very dry sense of humour. Hence, 'droll disguise'. Perhaps there's a better phrase that might work?

Thanks for your comments everyone. I'm contemplating removing the word 'the' in the two suggested places, but i've read it as it is so many times, that the metre seems to work for me.... I'll keep thinking on it.

Thanks