Poetry Forum

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I like it. You've got the rhythm right, that's for sure.

Not every phrase works well, however, such as "draped in new iPhones" -- quite an accomplishment to drape people in hard objects. My suggestion is that you revise with an eye to making sure every phrase makes literal sense. I like the ending.

Welcome to the forum Dylan. A skilful outpour, particularly liked the cardigans/stamps lines, and the rhyming is inventive.

A bold, fat, blond and privileged, lying chief

Only two of those adjectives are relevant and, since L1 sets the tone, I feel this undermines the integrity of the poem. Perhaps this is intentional, that invective labelling is a felt outcome because of those pheremones. The voice in the poem looks down on all:

Multitudes daft and draped in new iPhones

Personally, I like to blame the season tickets, especially for the big games

cheers

mac

Thank you for the comments.

Perry, although I respectfully disagree with your suggestion that poetic lines need to make literal sense, I have made a tweak to that line
Macavity, I may get round to changing that line, but for now I’d like to keep the direct mimicry of the Shelley poem.

Cheers,
Dylan

No, poetry doesn't have to make literal sense, but it helps in a poem like this -- i.e., a poem with traditional roots.

I'm curious about "trans-phobic". Have trans people become such a force in society that being "trans-phobic" is significant? I thought they constituted 1% or 2% of society, if that. Personally, I think that some trans people are merely hopping onto a trend.

Thank you for engaging Perry.

Dylan

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Hi Dylan,
enjoyed the read.

Not entirely convinced by 'pheromones' though (check spelling),
seems a bit rhyme driven.


A bold, fat, blond and privileged, lying chief;
- would you consider
A fat, bold, blond, elitist, lying chief ?
MP's, reclining, orderless, they scroll
through Twitter —inert as a bas-relief;
- reads as if it's Twitter that is 'inert'
(through Twitter - each one dull, in low-relief ?)
Leaders with empty words about control,
stuck porcine-like in stage one of their grief
for Empire; Opposition parties troll
- maybe
'Oh Empire!' Opposition ...
a disenfranchised people with broadband;
- given the news recently, maybe
a people disenfranchised by broadband ?
Multitudes festooned in new iPhones,
- I'm also not sure about 'festooned', would
Multitudes awash with their new iPhones work?
or
A littered multitude with new iPhones ?
Sky subscriptions, season tickets, trans-
- can you be festooned with undertones?
phobic, sexist, racist undertones;
the Church as meaningful as cardigans;
- very nice.
the Monarchy clutching stamps in wrinkled hands—
- maybe 'grasps' for 'clutching' ?
All future food to feed the pheromones
of anything that lives to pick the bones.
- 'anything' seems a little weak.
(Of children left to pick this nation's bones ?)


Regards, Not.


.

Enjoyed a lot. Is Johnson bold, in the political sense? People say so, I don't see it. A bully, yes, and of course, it takes a certain bravery to sport a haircut like that. I think the first line is probably the weakest.
stuck porcine-like in stage one of their grief - stuck porcine-like is excellent, but stage one? We seem to have been here for several decades.
for Empire; Opposition parties troll - there's a few words capitalised after semicolons. Why?

I think there needs be something stronger than a comma between season tickets and transphobic.
The cardigan line is very good.

Thanks for further comments and suggestions. Just a bit of idle fun really, probably not worth the time. Glad you got something from it though.

Regards,
Dylan

"the Church as meaningful as cardigans;
the Monarchy clutching stamps in wrinkled hands—"

A very strong visual encompassing the vulnerabilities of both historical and present citizens.

Dylan is a lovely name.

Thank you for the kind words Suzanne. You too have a pretty name.

Dylan

Hmm, can't get my link to work. that's frustrating.
Anyone know why? Is it a Mac problem maybe?

How To Secure Your iPhone: 12 Experts Reveal 26 Essential Security Tips

https://www.forbes.com/sites/daveywinder/2019/11/01/how-to-secure-your-iphone-12-experts-reveal-26-essential-security-tips/#b7725ad3b10b

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i'm not having any problems here with my iMac
but i have been locked out of the forum for months with my iPhone Xs

Thank you lotus,

I actually replaced the "draped" line, but glad you took something from it.

A warm smile back,
Dylan

And thanks again lotus. It seems our posts keep crossing. I'll check that link.

Use http rather than https (this only works for youtube links)

Thank you Macavity! Fixed!

Hi Dylan - I've seen three of these and this one is by far the most viable . . . You would
imagine pastiche is potentially the cringe-worthiest of strategies to choose, but actually
for me it's the close-up parallel play with both the music and meaning of Shelley's
masterpiece that I enjoyed here.
In fact I wouldn't be surprised if it was that first marginal inflexion from 'blind' to 'blond'
that tempted you in.

Shelley's opener is like someone hammering their fist on a table and I think you dissipate that a little
by shifting the 'and' and using the tri-syllabic 'privileged' - somehow the weakest word
in that list. I'd just go for the jugular and use 'despised'.

Your curious pheromones made more sense to me after mac's observations. It's an original and interesting twist
though (as with Shelley's) that final couplet feels a bit limp.
Shelley funnels everything, syntactically and thematically down to that magnificent
hinge in his L13 - 'Are graves' …it's a physical, concrete destination and just two pounding
syllables . . . if there was a way of shadowing that . . .
And he precedes that 'hinge' with one of the poem's most memorable and compressed
epithets - 'Time's worst statute unrepealed' . . . You have (presumably?) Her Madgesty
rubber-stamping/figure-heading the government's agenda . . . or are they postage stamps?. . . Could be sharper.

In my head I had your iPhone line as 'Multitudes draped round their new iPhones' - which I thought
caught the signature body language plus an implication that the phones are wearing us, not the
other way around.
'their box-fresh phones'? - (less apple-centric).

Best regards,
Jules

Thank you Jules. As mentioned above, just a bit of frivolity really. I’ll keep your notes in mind if I choose to revise.

Best,
Dylan