Poetry Forum

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Hi Dylan,
not sure about this one.

Listen. You may find it helps
- like the opening, very inviting
to close your eyes,
but you won't need
- think you could move the 'to' up to end this line
to cup a hand or strain. It's not
the kind that dare not speak
its name — more garrulous
than the tv you leave
- 'television' rather than 'tv' would read/flow better, I think.
chattering through the night to spear
- not convinced that 'chattering' can 'spear' anything
(chatter seems diffuse whereas spear is discrete - to me anyway )
silence. It is time
to listen

to that silence just enough,
- 'just enough' makes for a weak line.
enough for repetition
- repetition of what? I'm not sure.
dancing an indifferent breeze from bush
- 'dancing' and 'indifferent' seem contradictory.
to tree, at least
a hundred times a day
in those most hopeful species, to reach
- I don't think 'to reach' works well as a line ending
'those' ?
your ear
and in that moment know
that you are ready, at last, to receive.
- surely the verse should end here?
Tremulous and tender

as the tissue of a drum, exposed
- I can see that this might work for the tympanic membrane,
but not for a typical use of 'a drum'
to this whirligig of song,
- where does this come from? Out of the silence to which one
should listen?
your heart
a disco ball of mirrored melodies
may burst with lyrics long-forgotten.
You are no choreographer,
have no routine from which to count
steps to the left, sashays
to the right. You know
instinctively there is a wrong
response, a minor key
to which you'll cling as if
the lock bar of a Ferris wheel.
Take a breath and ride
- I think this is too cluttered:
Child's toy?Ferris Wheel /
melodies, lyrics, minor key /
disco ball, choreographer, routine, sashays, to the right

While you follow through on the dance/song ideas, the
whirligig and Ferris wheel vanish. (How are you using 'sonate'?)

It rather feels like it's been a long road only to get to
and you will choose
to wait,
to listen longer still.

Arguably the title could be, not answering the call.


Hope some of this helps.

Regards, Not.


.

Thanks

Dylan

You were right about the tv and the spear. Have addressed.

Thanks again "Not".

Dylan

D. it would be helpful to leave an original to compare with revisions. I'm still 'absorbing' the poem, which I find complex, but I'm enjoying very much. The chatter/smother revision is more effective and apt so thumbs up on that one. The pacing and linebreaks are nicely measured and focussed to progress the reading. You clearly know your craft!

The poem begins as a transition, a re-engagement. The imperative of that opening an address to reader/other/self -

Listen. You may find it helps
to close your eyes,
but you won't need
to cup a hand or strain. It's not
the kind that dare not speak
its name — more garrulous
than the television you leave
chattering through the night to smother.....................sleeplessness, trying to shut-out that constant streaming
silence. It is time
to listen

Nice use of space to pause for the action. The paradox of 'garrulous silence', perhaps the voice/voices that breed in silence was my reading.

to that silence just enough,
enough for repetition
dancing an indifferent breeze from bush
to tree, at least
a hundred times a day
in those most hopeful species, to reach
your ear
and in that moment know
that you are ready, at last, to receive.
Tremulous and tender

This tentative opening plays against past experience - the negatives of repetition/indifference against the nature of hope.

as the tissue of a drum, exposed
to this whirligig of song,
your heart
a disco ball of mirrored melodies
may burst with lyrics long-forgotten..................forgotten or buried/suppressed?
You are no choreographer,
have no routine from which to count
steps to the left, sashays
to the right. You know
instinctively there is a wrong
response, a minor key
to which you'll cling as if
the lock bar of a Ferris wheel.
Take a breath and ride

These lines fizz with imagery that reflect the opening-up of the mind/emotions. Adrenaline. Life on the dance floor.

will lay a layer of skin
on virgin skin; each cluck, each whine
will fling its fibrous offering at your feet.
The choice to dance is yours,

and you will choose
to wait,
to listen longer still. Your ears
twitching like antennae
for that tune you'll name, that tune
you know, whose shapes you throw
so instinctively no sonate,
no warble, no chirrup, no trill,
will tempt you from
the white noise
of your here and now.

The reaching-out - love/sex/other - is negated, the self caged in that elusive search for 'the minor key', the instinctive not the rational will dictate.

hope that helps some

mac

Thank you Mac.

Very refreshing to receive a critique focused on reading rather than editing. I very much enjoyed hearing/seeing how you worked through the poem. Very helpful. Some of your takes are slightly different from intent, but I have no problems with a plurality of interpretation, providing the writing hasn't elicited a troublingly contrary read. The only pause you gave me was with the following comment:

Macavity wrote:The paradox of 'garrulous silence'

That wasn't my intent, and isn't how I hear it, so may have to think some more about clarity there. Thank you.

I was especially pleased with this note:

Macavity wrote:These lines fizz with imagery that reflect the opening-up of the mind/emotions.

Exactly what I was going for there.

Much appreciated.
Dylan

Dylan,

Lovely poem.

If there is no specific reason for “here and now” I recommend replacing with present. The ending seems a little out of place as it stands.

Many thanks Sid. Apologies, but here:

Sid wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:20 am

If there is no specific reason for “here and now” I recommend replacing with present.

Are you suggesting ending with:

the white noise
of your present.

If so, I think it needs that extra beat. Or maybe I've misunderstood your comment.

Again, thanks.
Dylan

Macavity wrote:
The paradox of 'garrulous silence'

That wasn't my intent, and isn't how I hear it, so may have to think some more about clarity there.

Probably a reader tangent, I'm interested in silence/distraction, how silence/space is occupied and how there is a compulsion to occupy. In that sense, it is not silence that is garrulous, but what the person projects there. I waffle Anyway I'm enjoying the read.

cheers

mac

Return of the Mac! Thank you.

And thank you for clarifying your thought.
I'm considering revising towards more garrulousness in that section, as follows:

Listen. You may find it helps
to close your eyes,
but you won't need
to cup a hand or strain. It is not
the kind that dare not speak
its name: It is garrulous, verbose, loquacious,
more so than than the television
you leave chattering through the night
to smother silence. It is time
to listen

to that silence just enough,
enough for repetition to appear
as if dancing an indifferent breeze from bush
to tree, at least
a hundred times a day in those
most hopeful species, to reach
your ear
and in that moment know
that you are ready, at last, to receive.




Dylan

The original is fine Dylan. I don't feel you need those edits.

best

Mac

Dryanddeadwords wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:25 am

Many thanks Sid. Apologies, but here:

Sid wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:20 am

If there is no specific reason for “here and now” I recommend replacing with present.

Are you suggesting ending with:

the white noise
of your present.

If so, I think it needs that extra beat. Or maybe I've misunderstood your comment.

Again, thanks.
Dylan

Yes Dylan apologies I did not break the verses out I shall do to be clear next time.

The firsts stanza does not reflect the beat the poem ends with so I feel it would be ok to change. The poem is full of creative imagery and the last verse seems to fall flat compared with the rest of the poem.

However as the poet you command what you want to convey and if this is the image and tone you desire then so be it. I’d personally prefer even if you brought the title in to end the poem with

“Hearing the call” or a derivative of that.