Poetry Forum

V5
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
culling control program condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Safe Elk tip balance of biome
reintroduce Nature’s facts
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V4

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
Elimination program is condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Elk now unbalance the biome
reintroduce Nature’s facts
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V3

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program is condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Elk now unbalance the biome
overeating, eroding tracks
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V2.2
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Elk ate spring saplings to the root
waters choke beneath their tracks
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V2.1
Wolf hunting from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program was condoned
Wolf hunting from Yellowstone
Elk ate saplings to the root
Mature Aspen have not grown
Wolf hunting from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs


Version 1

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators running in packs
Elimination for safety condoned.
Hunting wolves, from Yellowstone,
content deer eat saplings to the root
No mature trees have since grown
Hunting wolves - from Yellowstone,
Apex predators running in packs!

Original

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators running in packs
Elimination for safety condoned
Hunting wolves, from Yellowstone,
Saplings now eaten to the root
No mature trees have grown
Hunting wolves - from Yellowstone,
Apex predators running in packs!

Hi Sid,
Wolves don't care about triolets but a subtle shift of
syntax here makes the difference between them being the
hunters and the hunted.
Come to think of it the strange impelling 'logic'
of the triolet fits the mind of the wolf quite well.
But there seems to be some magic missing here -
I think you've got the two active repeating lines
right but the ones explaining the human rationalisations
and reasons have quite clunky rhythms, need honing a bit

Regards,
Jules

Jules,

I have made amendments in version 1.

.
Hi Sid,
admire the attempt.
I'd suggest cutting all punctuation, or being
consistent in its usage.

Some of the word choices (elimination, content)
seem a bit clunky, to me. And L6 makes me
wonder whether the tense for the rest of the piece
is the right on (as 'since' suggests that 'hunting
wolves' was in the past').

Couple of thoughts

Wolf hunting in Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program was condoned
Wolf hunting in Yellowstone
Elk ate Aspens to the root
No mature trees have grown
Wolf hunting in Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs


Regards, Not


.

Hi again,
- here's another rewrite (and a massacre of the official rhyme scheme)

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators running in packs
For safety's sake eliminate
Hunting wolves - From Yellowstone
content deer eat saplings to the root
No mature trees have grown since
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators running in packs

With such a strange and rigid scheme there's always
this problem of the rhymes and logic becoming
a bit forced. Did I get the logic right? (the apex
predators at the end being conceivably the
human tourists) … Infact your rhyme scheme
deviated on L6 which should rhyme with 'packs'
(ABaAabAB?)

Jules

Hi Sid,

L5 consider

“Chawing deer uproot saplings”

Thanks all for the feedback and comments.

Not you have nailed it. I’ll work with your rewritewhen I get a minute.

Mike I’ll consider how to bring your component in as well.

Appreciate the comments!

Or maybe -

“Chawing deer uproot supple saplings”

Thanks Jules I have amended the rhyme scheme accordingly.

Mike I incorporated some alliteration somewhat different to your suggestion but thanks for the pointer it works.

Not I tried “ in” however the second repetition then does not suggest the wolf has been removed from Yellowstone. The intention is that once the wolves were removed there were significant environmental issues which resulted in their reintroduction. Thus I replaced with the original.

Updated to v2.2

.
Hi Sid

What's the difference between the opening
an closing couplets? I can't tell.

L5 - don't think you need spring, and isn't it
supposed to be an a rhyme?

L6 - whose tracks? The phrasing is a bit
ambiguous (and why would waters choke
beneath any tracks/footprints?).


Regards, Not


.

Hi Not,

Thanks for your review.

What's the difference between the opening
an closing couplets? I can't tell.
the opening couplet is negative. The hunting wolves need to be eradicated/ controlled. Farmers complained about them and many thought the park would be safer without them. At the end the wolves were reintroduced due to the problems associated with removing them from the park. Thus the closing couplet is more positive

L5 - don't think you need spring, and isn't it
supposed to be an a rhyme?
ummmm yeah. I’ve fixed that

L6 - whose tracks? The phrasing is a bit
ambiguous (and why would waters choke
beneath any tracks/footprints?).
the elk tracks caused erosion of the river banks and by eating the saplings the bank stabilisation was removed. The banks collapsed choking the Yellowstone rivers and rediverting their flows

I have rewritten this hopefully capturing this a bit more

I think there's something wrong with the rhythm
of L3, all the others start with a punch.
A possible alt: 'Humans vote, a cull condoned'?
I'm in two minds about 'biome' - the rhythm is definitely
off in that line too, but if you can sort that it might work.
Now you've explained the plot it seems to me there's
a line of logic missing that tells us the wolf control
program has been reversed. It might just be doable
if you confine the elk to one line.
The right words are out there somewhere!
J

Too much repetition for my liking. Rhythm wrong in line 3.
Extinction program was condoned - that's the rhythm you want.
Hunted wolves from Yellowstone.

The elk then overate its home
and what was gone did not grow back - something like that, but better.

This reads like a series of facts rather than a poem, Sid. It's very interesting and it's actually right up my street
but the lack of imagery and the relaying of info' just isn't enough to stir my emotions.

Nature needs her predators to naturally cull the population of elk so why not describe the hunt, the methods
employed by the pack, scenes of gore, blood, savagery and the way it leaves a healthy biome. That would get me going.

Best

JJ

Sid wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:32 am

V4

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
Elimination program is condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Elk now unbalance the biome
reintroduce Nature’s facts
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V3

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program is condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Elk now unbalance the biome
overeating, eroding tracks
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V2.2
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program condoned
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Elk ate spring saplings to the root
waters choke beneath their tracks
Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs

V2.1
Wolf hunting from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs
A control program was condoned
Wolf hunting from Yellowstone
Elk ate saplings to the root
Mature Aspen have not grown
Wolf hunting from Yellowstone
Apex predators run in packs


Version 1

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators running in packs
Elimination for safety condoned.
Hunting wolves, from Yellowstone,
content deer eat saplings to the root
No mature trees have since grown
Hunting wolves - from Yellowstone,
Apex predators running in packs!

Original

Hunting wolves from Yellowstone
Apex predators running in packs
Elimination for safety condoned
Hunting wolves, from Yellowstone,
Saplings now eaten to the root
No mature trees have grown
Hunting wolves - from Yellowstone,
Apex predators running in packs!

Thanks all for comments. Love the feedback.

This is a style I have not attempted before so am finding it challenging.

I keep working on it.

I have changed rhyme scheme in L3.

JJ as much as I love gore as you do that is not the intent of this poem and very difficult to capture in this format. Maybe a poem for another day.

Ray I have also amended L5 to capture more of the balance tipping.

.