Left in such a hurry
Cried into my curry
No time left to worry
Went into the zoo
Looking just for you
Failed because you
Were in a different cage
With your different rage
Distant by an age
Of human science
Teaching self reliance
Refusing my compliance.
No time left to worry
Leaving in a hurry
Crying in my curry.
Cried into my curry
-
stuartryder
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 897
- Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:45 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Warrington, UK
Hi Stuart,
a lot to like here - a wealth of emotion hammered into trite trimeters - a sense
of language failing but feelings raging.
You break the rhythm in a couple of places - first in L6 which I think works,
but L7 +10 not so good (perhaps 'You're' instead of ''Were' in L7?).
I'm still trying to figure out 'an age of human science' - but it's interesting . . .
people over thinking stuff? or thinking they know it all?
'compliance' feels a bit forced, just a filler, and the line seems ambiguous -
is it the 'you' or the N 'refusing my compliance'?
But great - the pounding rhythm the N pounding the streets, circular thoughts,
finding no peace.
Jules
a lot to like here - a wealth of emotion hammered into trite trimeters - a sense
of language failing but feelings raging.
You break the rhythm in a couple of places - first in L6 which I think works,
but L7 +10 not so good (perhaps 'You're' instead of ''Were' in L7?).
I'm still trying to figure out 'an age of human science' - but it's interesting . . .
people over thinking stuff? or thinking they know it all?
'compliance' feels a bit forced, just a filler, and the line seems ambiguous -
is it the 'you' or the N 'refusing my compliance'?
But great - the pounding rhythm the N pounding the streets, circular thoughts,
finding no peace.
Jules