Poetry Forum

Darting with diesel fury, to view the 5.15
Heaving from the station, later than it seemed.
I catch an echo, that beautiful reverb of leaving,
Halt at the yellow line of peril, and balance under
Cathedral splendour. A pigeon flails in the aftermath
Then settles to finish its half pie and peas, and I
Breath in the solitude of a lonely platform and hope
To arrive somewhere, sometime.

i like this poem; i also find train stations remarkably inspirational for poetry. do you know larkin's station poems? like "The Whitsun Weddings", or "Going, Going"? speaking of which i must go and book my train home for christmas....

I'm new to this and feel a bit sillly/pretentious commenting on other people's work... haven't read/studied much and don't really know alot about poetry... if you think i'm talking b*******, just tell me, i shan't be offended

Anyway...

for me poetry (in fact art in general) is about passing on a feeling or emotion, and that's what this poem does perfectly... describes the station at a certain point in time - i've been there before myself

the only thing i don't like is that the last line sounds a bit cliche-ish, if you know what i mean

anyway... love the poem

desiderata,

thanks for reading, I do love Larkin's stuff, must read more.

Spencer,

Don't feel silly, say what you feel and you can't go far wrong. Apart from the technical side of things, and I'm with you on that one.

I'd have liked to expand this poem, which I think i will at some point. I love train stations and the air of melancholy that often pervades them, thats what the last lines were trying to convey, purposely enigmatic, although I'd have to argue the point about being cliches.

thanks for the comments, and keep on keeping on.

I think your reply to the comments reveals my problem with this piece

It's excellent as far as it goes, which is not very far. This feels like an episode in a broader narrative.

Agree that the last line sounds cliched, but I think in a longer poem you'd get away with it. The cliche is not so much a problem as the fact that (in this reader's mind) it's a weak line to end on.

Wasn't sure about cathedral spleandour; are you referring to the architecture of the station or the train itself? I don't think this works in the latter usage, and as to the former: stations are variable. Can you give us a sense of place? Locate the statiion as St pancras for instance?

Liked the reverb of leaving and the pigeons.

Overall nice but needs either to become part of a greater whole or to flesh out on the detail.

Thanks for the read

Sweetdemon

sweetbitterdemonangel,

You bring up some good points, especially about the location, and as I mentioned it definitely needs expanding.

Yes the Cathedral splendor was refering to the architecture.

From a personal point of view I loved the last line, I can't see why it would be termed cliched?

thanks for your input.

I think sometimes people confuse simplicity with cliche, that's what I think. personally i prefer plain truth to flowery rhetoric. i also think few pieces of literature warrant their length and we should always be looking to concentrate rather than expand; this could be because i have a short attention span but i think to get the most intense poetry you have to know when to stop, to leave us wanting more like Keats and his grecian urn. then again he did write some bastard long poems as well.....

Know what you mean Desi about the long poems of Keats. I sometimes set off with the best of intentions to read Lamia but after a couple of pages find I've lost the will to live. I also, from time to time, have a bash at Milton's Paradise Lost (the mother of all bastard long poems) but I usually lose the will to live after only a couple of lines.

Epic verse is hard to handle these days - even if it is of the highest quality.

Cam

spencer_broughton wrote:the last line sounds a bit cliche-ish, if you know what i mean

yeah, it does... but i've never seen it used before, and every cliché was original once. i like it, i like the whole thing, which is surprising... i don't generally like other people's writing, but i like this

it's like i've heard it before, but in the real life that is imagined so well in the poem


edit...

Bitterangel wrote:It's excellent as far as it goes, which is not very far. This feels like an episode in a broader narrative.

Agree that the last line sounds cliched, but I think in a longer poem you'd get away with it. The cliche is not so much a problem as the fact that (in this reader's mind) it's a weak line to end on.

Wasn't sure about cathedral spleandour; are you referring to the architecture of the station or the train itself? I don't think this works in the latter usage, and as to the former: stations are variable. Can you give us a sense of place? Locate the statiion as St pancras for instance?

Liked the reverb of leaving and the pigeons.

Overall nice but needs either to become part of a greater whole or to flesh out on the detail.

yeah, i just joined this place and so you know, never expect any of these sort of reviews from me, i wouldn't know where to start... sorry

Cam - my advice re paradise lost is skip straight to book 8 where eve gets her wanton ringlets out for the snake

wanton ringlets? this thread just got markedly more interesting...

Book 4: Milton does sex (puritan style)

"....Shee as a vail down to the slender waste
Her unadorned golden tresses wore
Dissheveld, but in wanton ringlets wav'd
As the Vine curles her tendrils, which impli'd
Subjection, but requir'd with gentle sway,
And by her yeilded, by him best receivd,
Yeilded with coy submission, modest pride,
And sweet reluctant amorous delay.
Nor those mysterious parts were then conceald,
Then was not guiltie shame, dishonest shame
Of natures works, honor dishonorable,
Sin-bred, how have ye troubl'd all mankind
With shews instead, meer shews of seeming pure,
And banisht from mans life his happiest life,
Simplicitie and spotless innocence...."

just wait for book 8....