Still

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Still


it is not that
our sins were quiet
oceans filled their throats
and wealth buys its own
silence



.

[Firebird]

Do oceans fill
the throats of our sins
or does wealth
buys it own
silence?

Just a suggestion.

I’m still thinking about the meaning, but I like the central image of throats/oceans/sins.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

.

Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read, and the re-write. A different, but intriguing, question, I think.

Regards, Not



.

[Macavity]

Not having a light bulb moment, but that doesn't matter because the dividing elements are interesting enough in themselves: quiet/silent; poverty/wealth; small/vast. Particularly hooked by the 'vocal' slant.

All the best

mac

[TrevorConway]

Can I join in on the collaboration? I like elements of what Tristan has suggested. See if you can take anything from my revision below.

It is not
that oceans fill
the throats of our sins,
but wealth
may buy its own silence.

I don't think it feels complete by itself, though, more like a good beginning or ending of a poem.

T

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi mac, T.

Thanks for the read.

Don't know if it will help mac, but think of two of the meanings of 'still', that should steer you in the right direction, hopefully.

Thanks for playing T, will ponder (but Tristan's version may be going in a different direction to the one I (apparently obscurely) intend.


Regards both,

Not.


.

[Poet]

.
Still


it is not that
our sins were quiet
oceans filled their throats
and wealth buys it own
silence



.

Buys it own silence? That doesn't make any sense! Re-write this poem immediately, i like the oceans filled their throats line, good stuff, you are also missing periods too by the way. Anyway thanks for sharing.

[JJWilliamson]

Is this anything to do with slavery, Not?

Just thinkin'.

JJ

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi poet,
thanks for the read.

Hi JJ,
welcome back, and just in time!
Yes, it's to do with slavery, statues and ... relieved that that's not hopelessly obscure.

Regards, Not


.

[JJWilliamson]

.
Hi poet,
thanks for the read.

Hi JJ,
welcome back, and just in time!
Yes, it's to do with slavery, statues and ... relieved that that's not hopelessly obscure.

Regards, Not


.

Ah, good. I like it for its understated simplicity, something that invites the reader to pause and think.
L4 Typo on 'its'.

Best

JJ

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Bugger.
Thanks JJ (fixed).
Did I say welcome back?

Regards, Not

.