Form

[ray miller]

Three winners at Royal Ascot:
Parthenon, Virginia Boy
and Karabas hit the jackpot.
So I wondered why

I couldn’t gauge with precision,
applying science to sport,
every horse-race of the season;
study form, in short.

How much faster would a horse run
if he shoulders 5lb. less
in a Two Mile Chase at Taunton?
Thus did I obsess.

Dividing time and distance
by the burden on a back
became the aim of existence
and my handicap.

Now it’s metre that I measure
and the race to make a verse
is weighed down by dull endeavour
that nags like a curse.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi ray,
good to read you again.
Like the turn this one takes at the end ( the groan worthy pun to finish),
but don't think s2 flows that well.

'gauge' as 'compute'? Nicely archaic.

Not sure S3 and S4 aren't saying the same thing.

Regards, Not


.

[Macavity]

I did start counting the syllables Ray, but I'm not that obsessive/mathematical in my reading, or just light-weight, so I enjoyed the fun/craft in the rhyme instead! I think the analogies work, though the 'precision' of science has been diluted by politicians, but I like the notion of sport/poetry and the chance element of 'winners'. Perhaps https://lightpoetrymagazine.com might be a race to enter.

mac

[ray miller]

Thanks both. I mean gauge as in measure. I think there's a progression in the 3rd and 4th stanzas, from the particular to the general and a realisation on the narrator's part of how all consuming is the pursuit. Thanks for the link, Mac. Is this the stuff of light poetry? I really don't know.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Ray,

Interesting comparison/shift, though I found the shift too swift. It feels like there should be at least 2 verses on writing (and 3 would probably be better). I quite liked the tone, but felt it was let down by many of the last rhymes in each verse: "Thus I did obsess", "and my handicap", "that nags like a curse" (and, to a lesser degree, "in short"). They just felt forced. Apart from those lines, there's fairly straightforward, effective phrasing, then those lines add a quirky twist that feels at odds with the rest.

I like the overall idea, and some other rhymes worked very well, like "Taunton" and "endeavour". (I know the latter could be accused of adding a quirky tone, but it worked well in this case, I think.)

All the best,

T

[ray miller]

Thanks, Trevor. It is a form that I copied from some poem I came across, hence the short last lines.