Poetry Forum

Version 2

We watch green caterpillars climbing
the pink wall of our house. Relentless
tractors, gravity conquerors.
They won’t get in your window, I tell her,
just find a height where they feel safe,
hang upside down for a week or so,
wrap themselves in a silken overcoat
then emerge as butterflies.

No, they likely won’t remember
they were once caterpillars.
Not because their brains fall out,
but memories fade away, I suppose;
like you don’t recall being born
or when you first came to live with us.
And you don’t remember your real Dad,
even in those old photographs.

But Catherine does, Catherine played
the games of pretend, and we turn
towards the garden’s end where big sister
pounds the trampoline again,
trying to sing like The Saturdays,
trying to soar as high as she dares
before somersaulting back to earth
over and over and over.


Original


We watch green caterpillars climbing
the pink wall of our house. Relentless
tractors, gravity conquerors.
They won’t get in your window, I tell her,
just ascend to a height where they feel safe,
hang upside down for a week or so,
wrap themselves in a silken overcoat
then emerge as butterflies.

No, they likely won’t remember
they were once caterpillars.
Not because their brains fall out,
but memories fade away, I suppose;
like you don’t recall being born
or when you first came to live with us.
And doesn’t remember her real Dad,
she says, even when she sees photographs.

But Catherine does, Catherine played
the games of pretend, and we turn
towards the garden’s end where big sister
pounds the trampoline again,
trying to sing like The Saturdays,
trying to soar as high as she dares
before somersaulting back to earth
over and over and over.

.
Hi ray,
that's a satisfyingly sad ending (even allows one to overlook 'soar as high' )
but I thought there were a couple of stumbling points. 'ascend' (L5) seemed
out of place, not the word one would you when speaking to a young (I
presume) child, and lines 15-16, the change in addressee is a abrupt,
why not
or the face of your real Dad, whenever
we look through all of those photographs
?
Shouldn't it be a full-stop after 'pretend' (L18)?

('tumbling' for 'somersaulting'?)

Given the end, the title seems ironically optimistic.


Regards, Not

.

A captivating one, Ray - sad.

I agree with Not about ascend, it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the language somehow.

Not sure about' 'not because their brains fall out', but I suppose you are talking to a child.

Perhaps tumbling is better than somersaulting.

Eira

Hi Ray,

Some nice stuff here, especially the first stanza and a half or so. I felt like the shift was so big in the last half of the second verse that it was like a separate poem. I thought a fairly straightforward poem about caterpillars (since you describe them so well, with good ideas) was enough, whether involving another person as well or not.

The second half (from "you don't remember" to the end) could be another poem with a lot more context given. I struggled to fully engage with it, but maybe the others didn't find that. A few specifics below, anyway.

Thanks for sharing,

T


We watch green caterpillars climbing
the pink wall of our house. Relentless [Maybe a better word than "pink", more descriptive?]
tractors, gravity conquerors. [Nice one]
They won’t get in your window, I tell her,
just ascend to a height where they feel safe, [I was flummoxed by this at first. Maybe "they just want to reach a height..."
hang upside down for a week or so,
wrap themselves in a silken overcoat
then emerge as butterflies. [Maybe something more imaginative? Any metaphor/image for butterflies? e.g. "lighter things, with stained-glass wings"?]

No, they likely won’t remember
they were once caterpillars.
Not because their brains fall out, [or "slip out"?]
but memories fade away, I suppose;
like you don’t recall being born
or when you first came to live with us.
And doesn’t remember her real Dad,
she says, even when she sees photographs.

But Catherine does, Catherine played
the games of pretend, and we turn
towards the garden’s end where big sister
pounds the trampoline again,
trying to sing like The Saturdays,
trying to soar as high as she dares
before somersaulting back to earth
over and over and over.

For me this poem sounds too prosaic, too pedestrian. The prosaic quality peaks in these lines:

Not because their brains fall out,
but memories fade away, I suppose;

I mean, "brains fall out" is child talk.

I think that you should try to put more lyricism in the poem.

Liked it Ray. The parallels and progression work for me.

just find a height where they feel safe

Just a thought

Not because their brains fall out

Agree with Eira, this is an expression that's right for the child context.

I read the ambition/extrovert/exhibitionism of the older sister and the insecurity/introvert/frailty of the younger sister - one had the memory of the 'real Dad' and one needing the support of the carer. I appreciate the knowledge that

Catherine played the games of pretend

to adapt to circumstances. A thought that the older sister, behind all that desperate energy, needs support too. Gravity being the reality.

mac

Thanks for the comments.
Not, I shall change "ascend". I'll have a think on lines15-16. I suppose I preferred somersaulting to tumbling because of the sense of deliberation or rehearsal involved.

Perry - In saying Not because their brains fall out the N is meant to be echoing the child's question.

Mac - just find a height where they feel safe - thanks, I'll likely go with that. The idea is that the older sister's memories of father aren't happy ones and the games of pretend were something sinister.

I did wonder about abuse, but thought the showing of photos ruled that out.

I hadn't thought of that, mac. Old photos might be forbidden, but not necessarily, I think.

.
Hi ray,

S1 - like the change to L5 and wondered about switching the order of lines 6 and 7 (though that may not be entomologically accurate).

S2 - I can see how this links to Catherine (and reduces the ambiguity that the 'pretend' Catherine played was with N, that she said she remembered her dad, when she didn't) but how does this connect to the caterpillars.
Even when we look at those photographs
you don’t remember living with your real Dad,
do you?

S3 - still think it should be a period after pretend
and maybe cut the final full stop?


Regards, Not

.

S2 - I can see how this links to Catherine (and reduces the ambiguity that the 'pretend' Catherine played was with N, that she said she remembered her dad, when she didn't) but how does this connect to the caterpillars.

Catherine does remember her Dad, that's the whole point. The caterpillars ascend to a safe height and then transform themselves, in the younger child's interpretation, by losing their memories. Catherine is attempting, unconsciously, to do something similar.