Poetry Forum

By noon, the day has baited me
with lines half-written,
a floor de-crumbed,
clothes unbuttoned, nappy fastened,
pulled
in several
directions.

A child has orphaned parts of me,
killing to grow, till my will is spent.

I’m losing
my-self,
be-coming
some-one else,
half-satisfied
and half-asleep,
leaving
so much
unfin–

But she is steering me
further into the depths of myself,
and time will be fat when she’s older.

The hours will spread their veins,
and I’ll finally see
all these strangled days as streams
feeding
a new breed
of creativity.

Love these lines, Trevor -

But she is steering me
further into the depths of myself,
and time will be fat when she’s older.

The hours will spread their veins,
and I’ll finally see
all these strangled days as streams

A poem in itself? Perhaps. The rest is ok but it was a little narrative-heavy and unremarkable. Having said that, with a one year old myself I totally sympathise - it’s a rum time to be a poet or a nomad, or both.

Best,

Luke

hi Trevor

Further proof readers vary in their tastes. I preferred the parts of the poem that did not appeal to Luke, though unfin was a bit too cute, the exasperation was felt. I do like the positivity of the ending.

best

mac

.
Hi Trev,
also inclined towards those elements Luke identified, but agree with mac about unfin- and the ending.
Not that keen on the title though, Unfinished?

Wondered if this began in the right place, why not start with S2? ( I'm not sure 'killing to grow' adds much to 'orphaned').

Baited as in taunted? ('the day' seems to add an unnecessary antagonist when the daughter is already there).

I thought you were trying something interesting/tricksy here
I'm losing
my-self,
be-coming
...
with the I/my/be beginning, but then it seemed to peter out.

A quick sketch

I
am losing
my -self,
be -coming
one
half -satisfied
half -asleep,
I
am leaving
un -finished
...

'veins' - feel you need to develop this. That said, 'fat' plus 'veins' sends me down a cholesterol path.

Regards, Not



.

Like Luke, I much preferred the last 2 stanzas, though "breed" wouldn't be my choice - something watery beckons. 3rd stanza, I just think the signalling is too obvious, the poetic equivalent of a hospital pass.

Thanks, all, for the feedback. Great to get it.

Baited as in taunted, Not, yes. I suppose the antagonist is really myself, my ambitions and expectations for the day ahead. Who could stay mad at a wickle itty bitty child, eh?

Much appreciated, folks.

T