Poetry Forum

Everyone who was anyone
came to our leaving party,
except for our next-door neighbour,
who was in The Guinness Book of Records
at the time, for going 380 days
with his jaw wired up to stop him
eating solid food and who grumbled
the next day he’d been unable to sleep
because the house had been shaking.

We mumbled our apologies
from far away and hung over.
We’d hired a mobile disco
and the last thing I remember
was crying on the shoulder
of Maggie, my nurse tutor,
when she told me
how much I’d be missed.

Later on there were reminders
in the form of photographs,
our arms around each other
in a warm farewell embrace.
Another showed my missus
being given a piggy- back by Simon,
who was wearing only underpants.

There was an explanation, of course,
something to do with a broken beer bottle,
which accounted for Simon’s lack of clothing
and their mutual wetness;
there was glass upon the floor,
hence the mode of transport.

A few months later we learnt that Maggie
had “come out” and was living
with a woman half her age;
that Simon had been murdered
by an angry husband who found him
in flagrante with his wife.

It felt like the scales had been tipped
in my favour, but hadn’t quite fallen
from my eyes; circumstantial evidence
but inconclusive. I decided to keep
my mouth shut and chew things over.
The jury has been deliberating
for 38 years. That surely must
be some kind of a record.

.
Hi ray,
liked the story, and the twist at the end.
Feels a little overwritten though, and isn't as linguistically lively as I expected. Did like mumbled our apologies / from far away and hung over though, very nicely phrased.

Everyone who was anyone
came to our leaving party,
except for our next-door neighbour,
who was in The Guinness Book of Records
at the time, for going 380 days
with his jaw wired up to stop him
eating solid food and who grumbled
the next day he’d been unable to sleep
because the house had been (was) shaking.

We mumbled our apologies
from far away and hung over...........does seem that these first two lines belong to the previous verse.
We’d hired a mobile disco
and the last thing I remember
was crying on the shoulder
of Maggie, my nurse tutor,.............should this (nurse tutor) be hyphenated?
when she told me
how much I’d be missed.

Later on there were (came) reminders
in the form of photographs,
our arms around each other
in a warm farewell embrace(s).
Another showed my missus
being given a piggy- back(ing on) by Simon,
who was wearing only underpants.

of course, There was an explanation,
something to do with a broken beer bottle,
which accounted for Simon’s lack of clothing
and their mutual wetness;
there was glass upon the floor,
hence the mode of transport.

A few months later we learnt that Maggie
had “come out” and was living
with a woman half her age;
that Simon had been murdered
by an angry husband who found him
in flagrante with his wife.............don't think you need this, though I liked the ambiguity that he might have been caught with his own wife. Wondered if this needs a third example, maybe return to the neighbour before Simon?

It felt like the scales had been tipped
in my favour, but hadn’t (not) quite fallen
from my eyes; circumstantial evidence
but (is always) inconclusive. I decided
to keep my mouth shut and chew things over............the 'scales' stuff is a bit too clichéd, I think, though liked the return to 'solid food'. Don't know if it would work, but rather than scales might N have finally swallowed something that they'd been trying to get down for all those years? Or perhaps return to the 'broken bottle' image?

for 38 years. The jury has been deliberating......want to say 'masticating' for 'deliberating'
That surely must be some kind of a record.......isn't this a question?


Good to read you again.

Regards, Not


.

Hi Ray,

I quite like the way it’s told. I don’t think it’s necessarily over-the-top. This is the N’s voice and I wouldn’t want to change that. The first Stanza definitely has the feel of a cock and bull story, which I’m pretty sure was meant.

There seems to be a parallels drawn between the next-door neighbour and N. The next neighbour can’t chew and this is all N can seemingly do, and the 380 days record and 38 years record. Is N the next door neighbour? I’m guessing N had been living next door to his ex and was maybe in denial about her relationships wanting to believe there was still something between them. N seems unable to deal with the hard truth and therefore tells a different story - one which he can deal with more easily. I’ll have to think more about this and the chewing and the not chewing that may be related to dealing with hard truths. Maybe I’m over reading a simple cock and bull story. But there does seem to be a lot hinted at under the surface. I’m assuming the Nurse Tutor wasn’t looking after N? Or was she? This would explain a lot for me. Maybe N was a cripple and couldn’t satisfy his ex sexually.

He definitely seems to be attracted to Maggie, is she his carer? If she had simply been a Nurse and not a Nurse Tutor, I’d have thought it more likely she was N’s carer.

“the scales had been tipped
in my favour, but hadn’t quite fallen
from my eyes”

I think this is a cliche to start with, but you do something inventive with it (the pun) which saves it IMO. I like it. And it fits your N’s voice.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

PS. Just thought that maybe what you are getting at is that N might as well have been the next door neighbour all those years.

ray miller wrote: ↑

Tue Feb 09, 2021 3:37 pm

Everyone who was anyone
came to our leaving party,
except for our next-door neighbour,
who was in The Guinness Book of Records
at the time, for going 380 days
with his jaw wired up to stop him
eating solid food and who grumbled
the next day he’d been unable to sleep
because the house had been shaking.

We mumbled our apologies
from far away and hung over.
We’d hired a mobile disco
and the last thing I remember
was crying on the shoulder
of Maggie, my nurse tutor,
when she told me
how much I’d be missed.

Later on there were reminders
in the form of photographs,
our arms around each other
in a warm farewell embrace.
Another showed my missus
being given a piggy- back by Simon,
who was wearing only underpants.

There was an explanation, of course,
something to do with a broken beer bottle,
which accounted for Simon’s lack of clothing
and their mutual wetness;
there was glass upon the floor,
hence the mode of transport.

A few months later we learnt that Maggie
had “come out” and was living
with a woman half her age;
that Simon had been murdered
by an angry husband who found him
in flagrante with his wife.

It felt like the scales had been tipped
in my favour, but hadn’t quite fallen
from my eyes; circumstantial evidence
but inconclusive. I decided to keep
my mouth shut and chew things over.
The jury has been deliberating
for 38 years. That surely must
be some kind of a record.

Thanks for the comments.
Not Quite Sure - I can't agree that it's overwritten, I do like the piggy-backing and masticating suggestions.
Tristan - Not a cock and bull story at all -
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angus_Barbieri%27s_fast
We lived next door to Angus in Warwick. You seem to have read a lot into the tale that wasn't meant to be there. I thought it was pretty straightforward, but maybe not. Maggie was a nurse tutor, I was a student nurse. The party, the photographs are real, Maggie did "come out" and Simon was murdered as stated. As for the rest, I'm capable of summoning up my inner Elvis Costello pretty much at will. What exciting times we lived in then.

If it’s meant to be a straightforward story, I’d get rid of the parallels between the next door neighbour and your N, as they do invite interpretation, especially when this story is in the form of a poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

~~~


our next-door neighbour,
who was in The Guinness Book of Records
at the time, for going 380 days
with his jaw wired up to stop him
eating solid food and who grumbled


We mumbled our apologies




I decided to keep
my mouth shut and chew things over.

~~~~


greetings Ray

i like how your have weaved these three together

silent lotus