Light

[Jackie]

Wisconsin’s late-day light
comes at you not as here
from the equator sky
but at a slant

like footlights. They raise
the curtain on my dad’s mother
at sixteen, posing with a flair
on her beau’s farm fence.

Gibson Girl from bouffant hair
to Edwardian toes, yet set
to leap should a board shift.
Not farm stock? She felt

she could be. Her father’s
father made sleighs and wagons
and her mother’s mother’s folk
too were blacksmiths fled

from torment. Forge light
comes at you at night on a slant
like footlights. Watch
when they raise the curtain.

Grandma fence.jpg (65.08 KiB) Viewed 3075 times

[Firebird]

Hi Jackie,

I like this poem. Some specific comments below.

Wisconsin’s late-day light
comes at you not as here
from the equator sky
but at a slant (Nice opening)

like footlights. They raise
the curtain on my dad’s mother
at sixteen, posing with a flair (This is too telly for me)
on her beau’s farm fence.

Gibson Girl from bouffant hair
to Edwardian toes, yet set
to leap should a board shift.
Not farm stock? She felt (This is a great stanza break. This is also my favourite stanza. It shows a conflict: how your grandmother appears and how she is inside)

she could be. Her father’s
father made sleighs and wagons
and her mother’s mother’s folk
too were blacksmiths fled (I don’t think this stanza break works as well as the previous one. I’m not as keen on this stanza either. It seems to want to establish her working class roots, but she’s not in the slightest bit working class. Was she forced to hide these root, or was she embarrassed by them? I’d like to know more. Did she suffer any hardship in her own life?)

from torment. Forge light
comes at you at night on a slant
like footlights. Watch
when they raise the curtain. (I like the raising curtain and it’s implication that there’s much more to your grandmother than met the eye. Are you also saying that she may have had to play a role, like an actor on a stage, to conform to Edwardian social norms?)
Grandma fence.jpg

Enjoyed thinking about your poem.

Thanks for posting.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

,
Hi Jackie,
great photo.

S1
- like the opening but should there be a comma after you and hear (l2) and should from (l3) be on?

S2
- it's all a bit strained (dad's mother) and, to be honest, I don't think flair does her justice. Her expression (of great amusement) deserves better.

S3
- could you squeeze a bit more detail in here, the types of shoes (as opposed to toes) and something on that terrific hat? Agree with Tristan about the final enjambment.

S4
- I like the details but the labour seems too laboured

S4
- torment, doesn't say much. What torment?
Not convinced by the last line (I think it's the 'watch').

I would have liked a bit more about Wisconsin, I'm presuming something rural, but you never know.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

Starts off very well. I'd agree with the other two on "flair". If she must pose with something then aplomb would be better.

Forge light
comes at you at night on a slant - I wonder why you bring "night" into it?
like footlights. Watch
when they raise the curtain. - Not a great ending, really

[jcnash]

Hello Jackie,

A lovely piece, that break in V1/V2 is beautifully done!

I find my thoughts pretty much mirroring Tristan's, so not much more to add. Although, the switching in perspective from second person to third person and back again - I cannot decide whether I like it or not. I suppose it adds to the gentle wistfulness of the piece somehow, so perhaps I do.

Thanks,
nash

[Jackie]

Tristan, Not, Ray and Nash, I really appreciate your insights and questions. I agree that flair isn’t the right word and I like Ray’s comment, “if she must pose with something.”

Actually, yes, Not, this is rural Wisconsin, and the fence she sat on was on my grandfather’s farm. They were dairy farmers until they retired.

Tristan, your questions about my grandmother are what caused me to write the poem. Sometimes I learn about topics when I turn them to poems. If this one seems wistful to you, Nash, I guess that’s how the effort left me feeling.

Thanks,
Jackie

[CalebPerry]

For whatever it's worth, I like the word "flair".

Shouldn't "equator sky" be "equatorial sky"?

The subject of the picture strikes me as someone who is trying to get away from the farm to something more glamorous, so I'm not sure why you say that she "felt she could be" farm stock. As a stranger looking at this picture, I think she probably wanted something better for herself than the farm.

On the other hand, maybe she was simply dressed up for the Saturday night square dance.

Beyond that, I don't have a lot of criticisms. I feel that I'm not in a position to know whether you are characterizing the subject of the picture accurately or not. The language flows well.

[lotus]

greetings Jackie


Gibson Girl from bouffant hair
to Edwardian toes, yet set
to leap should a board shift.
Not farm stock? She felt


Maybe ?


Gibson Girl~~bouffant hair
Edwardian toes ~~~yet set
to leap should a board shift.
Not farm stock? She felt


i can't seem to get the editor to create space between words
the white is supposed to be blank spacing

~

[CalebPerry]

This poem has grown on me since I first read it. The language is light, airy, nimble and creative in the way that the best poetry is. There's an organic quality to it. I like the poem very much.