Poetry Forum

Why are you so sad? Your feelings are hurt.



All is not bleak. Our situation is not so bad.



Outside this window is the topless sky
and birds that rejoice as they lift and dive.
And there are trees that do not complain
though a few of their roots may rot.
Nor do they reject the birds as they alight
for fear of nameless inadequacies.
And the flowers, defenseless to the world,
sing serenades even as they die
in one short season on their stems.
Do you hear me?



The sun has set for you, and on me too,
as I have grown weak in the shade of your sorrow.
We were one, once — living, loving and reaching;
and though our hands returned empty often,
we knew to think nothing of it, and reached again.
Perhaps in some moment barely noticed,
our hands were empty one too many times;
perhaps we disagreed, and then, while I looked up,
you paused and dwelt on vacancy.
Whatever the cause, you abandoned me,
and we have been orphans ever since,
me from serenity and you from love.



I am your better half, as you are mine;
like sugar from a pear, uncoupled we
are incomplete. More than once your cries
of caution saved my impetuous life;
now, cautious cries are all that echo down
the long corridors of our retreat.
Yes, we have been forsaken in our time,
and age has crept upon us like a frost.
We sought the center of the stage, and failed,
and our pride was lost.

Our loneliness was more than we could bear.
It never was our fate to be beloved.
Everything has reasons when it comes,
or doesn’t come, or stays, or fades away;
the logic of the world is hard to love.
But now you shout and run about, demanding
praise with anger on your face, insisting on
respect you haven’t won. You take us to
a frightening place to buy a gun. To whom
are these bullets to be given? To you?
To me? To those you think have spurned us?
There ís a better way. Our empty glass
may yet have depths for us to plumb.



Ín this dark valley, where our soul has fled,
with only our words and sad music,
tired, at the edge of a black abyss bent
(beckoning to us, its new lover, to succumb,
with long, cold fingers drawing us in),
I cry out to you and pray you hear;
for as your hurt and fear have turned to ice,
imprisoning us, I am still aflame
with lust and pride — whether good or bad —
and do not want to die. If you will hear me
only once, the negligent sun will rise
and melt your rigid fury into tears.
You will find me waiting at your side,
whispering the words of faith and risk,
the only words of meaning in this world.
And the lovers that we are — the two halves
that are one — will once again be whole,
and we will reach together for our life.


~end~

I started this poem about thirty years ago but didn't have the insight to finish it.

I have a tendency to write in clichés. The question is, are they fatal in this poem?

In case it isn't obvious, the speaker in this poem is struggling with his dark side, which is threatening to overwhelm him.

I read most of it and I think it is beautiful, a little too long but it is fine, I like the back and forth conversation even though the replier doesn't really say much. Interesting.

Thank you, Poet. That's very nice of you to say.

The poem went unfinished for thirty years because I didn't have the insight into myself to complete it. I did a lot of crying while I wrote this poem.

However, I'm still concerned about the cliches, especially in the final strophe. All throughout the poem I write about the rising sun, the setting sun. They end up in a dark valley with a black river. At the end of the poem they are reaching for the sky. Cliches are often dramatic, and they heighten the drama in a poem, but to a lot of people they still sound tired. I'm worried that many people will see the poem as a long, drawn-out complaint or gripe.

The replier says nothing. The poem really is a soliloquy. Thanks again.

Oh, I can't help but to note that you said you didn't read all of it. Did you find it boring?

CalebPerry wrote: ↑

Fri May 14, 2021 8:36 am

Thank you, Poet. That's very nice of you to say.

The poem went unfinished for thirty years because I didn't have the insight into myself to complete it. I did a lot of crying while I wrote this poem.

However, I'm still concerned about the cliches, especially in the final strophe. All throughout the poem I write about the rising sun, the setting sun. They end up in a dark valley with a black river. At the end of the poem they are reaching for the sky. Cliches are often dramatic, and they heighten the drama in a poem, but to a lot of people they still sound tired. I'm worried that many people will see the poem as a long, drawn-out complaint or gripe.

The replier says nothing. The poem really is a soliloquy. Thanks again.

Oh, I can't help but to note that you said you didn't read all of it. Did you find it boring?

Well I did read the whole thing before, it was a little drawn out and a little cliché. I didn't want to read it again, that is what I meant to say.

Thanks for clarifying. I'm looking for alternatives to the cliches, though I may not find any.

Hi Perry,

I like the back & forth conversations in this, but find the Query & Reply in between stanzas a bit distracting. This might be just me. Perhaps italics for one of the voices?

Eira

Thanks, Eira.

It is all the one voice. There is no back-and-forth. You'll notice that all the "replies" are empty. The optimistic side is trying to argue the pessimistic side out of committing suicide and killing them both.

CalebPerry wrote: ↑

Sun May 23, 2021 9:58 am

Thanks, Eira.

It is all the one voice. There is no back-and-forth. You'll notice that all the "replies" are empty. The optimistic side is trying to argue the pessimistic side our of committing suicide and killing them both.

Hi Perry,

I see it now!

Perhaps if you missed out all the 'query' s and put 'no reply' between each stanza, it would read a bit clearer. Just a thought.

Eira

Sorry for not responding sooner, but I have been posting on a Tapatalk forum called "The Waters". This place has become really dead.

I'm glad you understand now. However, you didn't say anything about the language. Does it sound authentic to you? Does it move you at all? When I finally finished the poem after thirty years, I was sobbing. The language reflects in large measure how I feel about my life -- a struggle between optimism and pessimism which I seem to be losing.

Hi Perry,

Sorry I'm late answering too!

I have been a member of The Waters for many years. I recently tried to return and just couldn't remember my password, which is ridiculous as I once posted at 4 poetry sites with Tapatalk. Well after much thought I still couldn't remember the password (must be old age! )so have changed it now. I'll probably see you at TW sometime.

Back to your poem. I couldn't help be moved by your words - well expressed. However, I still find the 'query' & 'reply' distracts from the words. Perhaps just me.

Eira

Eira, I wasn't watching and never saw your last post.

I'm glad you like the language. I'm not sure what to do about the format. I want it to be clear that one part of me (the optimistic side) is doing all the talking, while the pessimistic side is obstinately staying silent. I'll try to come up with a better way to show that. When I read the poem, I jump over the headings and just read the poetry. That is, in fact, the way to read the poem.

Perhaps I should substitute "Positive me:" and "Pessimistic me:", but that sounds too cute.