Paper Snowflakes (rev 5 tweaked)

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capricorn
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Sat Jun 05, 2021 11:05 pm

Paper Snowflakes (revision 5 tweaked)

We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one two, one two.

We wait like prison visitors, hands clenched
and rollercoaster stomachs. A faux tree
twinkles through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. Your distant hum
approaches -the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker.

Disbelief stiffens your face; it has been
nine months, locked down with no walks,
music therapy or Sunday dinners at home.

Dad and I chit chat, trying to quell the silence,
your thoughts unspoken, wondering
why we don’t whisk you away home.

The carer joins in, recalls how Bohemian
Rhapsody always captures you, the Halloween
lights that still swirl on your bedroom ceiling and

the last minute scramble to snip hippie locks.
We all relax when you sit down, face
slackening into a smile, your fingers

attempt to mirror mine through the screen.
Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, I promise
we’ll see you very soon, New Year’s day
.

We leave reception, masks on, clutching
a card of you giggling in a Santa hat
and covered with your scribbled kisses.

Knowing we’ll miss seeing you rip
open our sack of presents, reindeer
leaping across your shirt, our Boxing Day

stroll together in Perry Hall Park
and your avalanche of paper snowflakes.
I feel a blizzard inside me …

… and can’t forget
how you turned to shuffle out,
my high five left hanging at the screen.

-------------------------------------
Ending was -
Unable to watch you rip open our sack
of presents, reindeer leaping
across your shirt. Knowing we’ll miss

our Boxing Day stroll in the park
and your avalanche of paper snowflakes,
I feel a blizzard inside me …

remembering how you turned
to shuffle out, my high five
left hanging at the screen.

----------------------------------------------------
Paper Snowflakes (revision 4)

We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one two, one two.

We wait like prison visitors, hands clenched
and roll a coaster stomachs. A faux tree
twinkles through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches -the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker.

Disbelief stiffens your face; it has been
nine months, locked down with no walks,
music therapy or Sunday dinners at home.

Dad and I chatter, your replies unspoken,
wondering why we don’t whisk you away home.
All unwind when you perch, face slackening

into a smile, fingers mirror mine through
the partition. The carer recalls how Bohemian
Rhapsody always captures you, the Halloween

lights swirling on your bedroom ceiling and
a last-minute scramble to snip hippie locks.
Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, I promise

we’ll see you very soon, New Year’s day
.
We leave reception, masks on, clutching
a card of you giggling in a Santa hat

covered with your scribbled kisses.
Unable to watch you rip open our sack
of presents, reindeer leaping across

your shirt – knowing we’ll miss our Boxing
Day stroll in the park and your usual
avalanche of paper snowflakes,

I feel a blizzard inside me - remember
how you turned to shuffle out
my high five left hanging at the screen.

-----------------------------------------------
Paper Snowflakes

We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one, two … three.

We wait like prison visitors, hands clenched
and roll a coaster stomachs. A faux tree
twinkles through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker. Disbelief

stiffens your face; it has been nine months.
You appear older, chubby – locked down
with no exercise, no music therapy

or summer picnics. Dad and I chatter,
your replies unspoken, wondering why
we don’t whisk you away home.

All unwind when you perch, face slackening
into a smile, fingers mirror mine through
the partition. The carer recalls how Bohemian

Rhapsody always captures you, the Halloween
lights swirling on your bedroom ceiling
and a last-minute scramble to snip hippie locks.

Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, we’ll see you soon,
New Year’s day
- my high five at the screen
is left hanging as you turn to shuffle out.

I feel a blizzard inside me.
Masks on, we leave reception clutching
a basket stuffed with sweets you’d helped

to stir and bake, a picture of you giggling
in a Santa hat on a card covered with scribbled
kisses. Unable to watch you unwrap

our sack of presents, reindeer leaping
across your shirt – we long for your usual
avalanche of paper snowflakes.

-----------------------------------
First Christmas without You

Unmasked, we enter the pod and peer
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one, two, three.

Like prison visitors, we wait silently with
roll a coaster stomachs. In the opposite corner
a faux tree twinkles, struggling to create

a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker. Disbelief

shadows your face; it has been nine
months. You look older, plumper - locked
away from long walks. Dad and I chatter

to your unspoken replies. You wonder why
we don’t whisk you away home. All relax
as you perch, face slackening into a smile,

fingers mirror mine through the partition.
The carer recalls your love for Queen’s
Bohemian Rhapsody, the Halloween lights

swirling on your bedroom ceiling and
a last-minute scramble to prune hippie locks
Too soon its - Goodbye love

until New Year - my high five at the screen
left hanging. I feel a blizzard inside me.
Masks on at reception gifts exchange -

a basket stuffed with sweets you’d helped
to stir and bake, your giggling image with
Santa hat on a card with scribbled kisses.

You will unwrap our sack of presents when
reindeer leap across your shirt, as we ache
for an avalanche of your paper snowflakes.

-----------------------------------
Visiting Jason 2020

Hesitant, we enter the pod, peering
through its large window division,
a microphone our interlink.

A tree twinkles on the other side
lifting the sober ambiance. Silently
we wait, jumpy as prison visitors.

A distant hum approaches until
the door clunks open and you
amble in with a carer. Disbelief

shadows your face; it has been nine
months. We chat to unspoken replies -
your lips transform into a smile

as you perch, fingers mirroring mine
through the partition.
The carer reports your love

for a Queen CD, the Halloween lights
on your bedroom ceiling, and yesterday’s
hurried haircut.

Too soon its - Goodbye love
until New Year
- my high five
at the screen left hanging.

Masks on at reception I hand over
our sack of gifts for you to unwrap
when reindeers leap

across the shirt left to wear
on your first Christmas
away from home.

---------------------------------------------------------
Christmas Visiting 2020

Silently we wait in the pod,
expectancy quivering, watch
for the door to swing open.

A Christmas tree twinkles through
the screen, lifting the ambiance
from prison-like visiting.

His hum is nearing, anticipation
bursts as the door clunks open.
Jason sidles in with his carer.

Wide-eyed, after nine months
he sees us again; we chat
to his mute replies.

A smile filters through, he sits,
fingers try to touch mine
through the window.

Time passes too quickly,
Goodbye love until New Year
a high five at the perspex

meets with no response.
Masked up at reception
a sack of gifts offered

and reindeers leap across
a shirt to wear on his first
Christmas away from home.
Last edited by capricorn on Sat Apr 30, 2022 8:20 pm, edited 8 times in total.
NotQuiteSure
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Sun Jun 06, 2021 11:19 am

.
Hi Eira,
this seems to be trying to be jollier than it really is (which might be intentional). Perhaps get rid of the Christmas references at the beginning (the title sets the scene). I struggled with 'pod', though you explain it later, so maybe

December ___, 2020


Silently we wait in the pod,
anxious as prison visitors

we hear his hum. Getting nearer..
Jason shuffles in with his carer.

Wide-eyed, after nine months
he sees us again; we babble .... are his eyes wide on seeing you? It's not clear if that's the case here.

to his mute replies. ......... anything a bit more visual than this?
A smile filters through, he sits,

fingers trying to touch mine
through the window. ........... not sure about 'window' after 'pod', maybe explain for the idiots? :)

And suddenly it's 'Goodbye
love. Until New Year'

a high five at the perspex .... 'perspex' I get (with pod) but not 'window'
left hanging. Masks up

at reception a sack of gifts .... maybe this needs a bit more explanation?
reindeers leap across

a shirt for his first Christmas
away from home.


Regards, Not

.
Namyh
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Mon Jul 19, 2021 8:00 am

Capricorn - This brought back memories of long, long ago.
P.S. - add one more "long" above. Namyh
chartsoft
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Wed Jul 28, 2021 5:34 pm

I like the repeated use of gerund in the opening stanzas. I was confused by ‘the pod’ and it took me a number of re-reads to get, what I think is the context. I am unsure of the use of the boy’s name. When I first read it the name distracted but then I felt it gave a personalisation.
In retrospect I think it works well, possibly improved by a bit more context at the beginning so you do not lose readers with initial confusion.
capricorn
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Thu Nov 04, 2021 10:42 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sun Jun 06, 2021 11:19 am
.
Hi Eira,
this seems to be trying to be jollier than it really is (which might be intentional). Perhaps get rid of the Christmas references at the beginning (the title sets the scene). I struggled with 'pod', though you explain it later, so maybe

Hi Not,
I've been away too long (again) I've not been writing anything but I've come back to this now hoping to get it finished. If it sounds jollier than it should be, perhaps it's because the staff tried to make it a happy experience.
I've rewritten parts, hoping to clarify.


December ___, 2020


Silently we wait in the pod,
anxious as prison visitors

we hear his hum. Getting nearer..
Jason shuffles in with his carer.

Wide-eyed, after nine months
he sees us again; we babble .... are his eyes wide on seeing you? It's not clear if that's the case here.

to his mute replies. ......... anything a bit more visual than this?
A smile filters through, he sits,

fingers trying to touch mine
through the window. ........... not sure about 'window' after 'pod', maybe explain for the idiots? :)

The pod as a diagonal division, with a large perspex window, fitted with a microphone

And suddenly it's 'Goodbye
love. Until New Year'

a high five at the perspex .... 'perspex' I get (with pod) but not 'window'
left hanging. Masks up

at reception a sack of gifts .... maybe this needs a bit more explanation?
reindeers leap across

a shirt for his first Christmas
away from home.


Regards, Not

Hope the revisions have helped.
Eira
capricorn
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Thu Nov 04, 2021 10:44 pm

Namyh wrote:
Mon Jul 19, 2021 8:00 am
Capricorn - This brought back memories of long, long ago.
P.S. - add one more "long" above. Namyh
Hi Namyh,
Would love to hear of your experience.
Eira
capricorn
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Thu Nov 04, 2021 10:50 pm

chartsoft wrote:
Wed Jul 28, 2021 5:34 pm
I like the repeated use of gerund in the opening stanzas. I was confused by ‘the pod’ and it took me a number of re-reads to get, what I think is the context. I am unsure of the use of the boy’s name. When I first read it the name distracted but then I felt it gave a personalisation.
In retrospect I think it works well, possibly improved by a bit more context at the beginning so you do not lose readers with initial confusion.
Thankyou for your helpful reply. I have revised, hoping to improve the context at the beginning.
Eira
NotQuiteSure
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Fri Nov 05, 2021 1:00 pm

Hi Eira.
I've been away too long (again) Indeed you have, and your absence was noted. But, it's very good to read you again. Hope you and yours are all safe and well.
I've not been writing anything I know the feeling. Welcome to the desert.


Not entirely sold on the revision, I don't think there's enough of you and your reactions in the piece. It's as if you've erred on the side of reportage. :)


Visiting Jason 2020 ....................................... I think the last line would make a better title. ('Jason' doesn't explain who the 'we' is)


Hesitant, we enter the pod, peering .............. Not mad keen on 'hesitant', I know what you mean, but would have preferred something a bit more visual. Also, you have 'jumpy as' later.
through its large window division,
a microphone our interlink. .......................... I think you've over-explained here, my fault! :)

A tree twinkles on the other side ................. tree, real or fake?
lifting the sober ambiance. Silently ............. anything more visual/descriptive than 'sober ambiance'?
we wait, jumpy as prison visitors. ............... think this (prison visitors) needs to come a bit earlier)

A distant hum approaches until ................... 'until'?
the door clunks open and you
amble in with a carer. Disbelief

shadows your face; it has been nine
months. We chat to unspoken replies - ....... feels like you skip a lot here. Is 'disbelief' the only effect of 'nine months'?
your lips transform into a smile

as you perch, fingers mirroring mine
through the partition.
The carer reports your love ....................... anything better than 'reports'? (That's not really what they're doing, is it? A form of reassurance? And that's 'carer' twice.)

for a Queen CD, the Halloween lights
on your bedroom ceiling, and yesterday’s
hurried haircut. ....................................... like this detail (more please), but what was your reaction to it?

Too soon its - Goodbye love
until New Year - my high five
at the screen left hanging.

Masks on at reception I hand over ................. when did you take the masks off?
our sack of gifts for you to unwrap
when reindeers leap ................................. prefer 'reindeer' to 'reindeers'

across the shirt left to wear ....................... this sentence is a struggle 'when ... left to wear'?
on your first Christmas
away from home. ................................... feels a little bit like you played it safe. Emotions neatly contained and distant. Upper lip stiffly present and correct.

Just a few :) unsubtle nudges thoughts

Maskless, we enter the "pod" and peer
through the thin, prophylactic, perspex,
tap on the microphone, "one two, one two".
dry mouthed as prison visitors. We wait

silently. A tree twinkling on the other side
(it looks so far away and small, it struggles
to lift the sober ambiance). A distant hum
approaches and the heavy door clunks
open; you amble in with a carer. Disbelief

shadows your face; it's been nine months. ................ definitely needs more :)
(I didn't know we could hold our breath
so long) The carer reports your love
for a Queen CD, the Halloween lights .................... I want the name of the CD!
on your bedroom ceiling and yesterday’s
hurried haircut. You look

perfect. Your dad and I chatter, brightly
breathlessly over your unspoken replies
- I watch your lips slowly remembering
how to smile - as you perch, your fingers

mirroring mine through the partition. ................... and a bit more of this

...


Don't leave it so long next time, Eira.

Regards, Not

.
capricorn
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Thu Nov 18, 2021 11:18 pm

Hi Not,

Thanks for your astute comments. I agree - I think I've kept my feelings so well hidden for such a long time that it's been difficult to let go of that stiff upper lip. I hope this latest revision is better and I have tried the last line as a title.

We are all well here, despite Jason getting covid when it was in his home. Fortunately he wasn't badly affected at all, but it was a worrying time as the home was isolated for some time. He comes home every weekend now, so we're hoping there won't be another lockdown.
I hope you are keeping well too, Not. I hope your muse will return soon.

Eira
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CalebPerry
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Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:06 am

(Latest version) Perhaps because I'm in a non-critical mood, everything about this poem seems fine to me. It moves forward in a relaxed cadence in serious language which sounds appropriate to the event. I assume the event is a visit to someone receiving long-term care in a mental hospital. The line that mentions prison makes it clear it isn't a prison. If it isn't a mental hospital, then the somber mood seems out of place. Jason's confusion that he isn't being taken home seems to suggest such a place. Having visited my half-sister in a mental hospital when I was young, there was no microphone to be spoken through, so that makes me wonder. (She committed suicide at twenty by jumping off a 15-story building.)

A good poem needs a good close, and I think the final stanza is very strong. In fact, the last three three stanzas are strong. In fact, there is no stanza that limps.

"A blizzard inside me" -- I love that.

Beyond possibly tightening up the language in some places (a little, not too much), I don't think there is a lot you need to do to this poem. It accomplishes its goal of creating a mood, an atmosphere very well, and it draws a sadness and sense of futility from the reader. I wouldn't tinker with it too much.

One small note. The word "unmasked" at the beginning undoubtedly means your protective mask due to the pandemic. A reader in future years may read that word to mean emotionally unmasked, and that could create confusion. On the other hand, readers who are aware of the pandemic may wonder why you aren't wearing your mask to protect the patient you are visiting.

I did read the previous version, and I think this newer version is better.

Well done.
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NotQuiteSure
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Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:37 pm

Hi Eira,
glad you've got the weekends, are you still in the 'pinch yourself this can't be real phase'? Actually, don't answer that, the word jinx is leaping to mind.

I think the poem has made great strides, and all of them in the right direction, though that's no reason to stop polishing! There are a couple of places of description which are lacking in immediacy (I think) and others where the lip is still a bit too stiff.


First Christmas without You


We enter the pod and peer, unmasked .............. I think it might have a bit more weight if the line ends with 'unmasked' (emphasises the vulnerability, for me, anyway).
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one, two, three. .......... shouldn't the three be one (or even cut, leaving the possibility of 'three' to be determined? That little worm of doubt.

Like prison visitors, we wait silently with ........... like the idea, but I think you could do better.
roll a coaster stomachs. In the opposite corner .......... 'opposite corner' (to what?) doesn't really help me visualise the scene. Anything better?
a faux tree twinkles, struggling to create ........... don't like the enjambment, how is the tree struggling? Gamely? ...

We wait like prison visitors, our rollercoaster
stomachs and wet palms. Uncomfortable
as that faux tree with its artificial cheer.

............ I know, it's not 'better' but best I could do on short notice :)


a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker. Disbelief

shadows your face; it has been nine ....................... is there something better than shadows? Something that would pair with the 'slackening' later. Or might 'slackens' work here (I think it plays well with plumper) and use 'succumbs into a smile' later?
months. You look older, plumper - locked
away from long walks. Dad and I chatter ................ maybe a few more examples. 'long walks' doesn't seem enough on its own (and the list would be like 'chatter').

to your unspoken replies. You wonder why ............ 'unspoken replies' - I know what you mean, but the phrasing seems a bit too pedestrian. Like the ending on 'why' though.
we don’t whisk you away home. All relax ............ feels like you rushed from 'home' to 'all relax' (could just be me though) I feel a deflating balloon image, for some reason.
as you perch, face slackening into a smile, ......... like this line (but see above)

fingers mirror mine through the partition.
The carer recalls your love for Queen’s ............... can you remember how they phrased this, might be more interesting to quote them rather than report the content of what they said? And does Bohemian Rhapsody need to be prefaced by Queen?
Bohemian Rhapsody, the Halloween lights

swirling on your bedroom ceiling and
a last-minute scramble to prune hippie locks .......not sure about prune, but ...
Too soon its - Goodbye love ............................... I think you could up the intensity a bit here

The carer recalls your enthusiasm
for Bohemian rhapsody, the swirling
Halloween lights on your bedroom ceiling

the last-minute scramble to tidy up
your hippie locks (no-one should hurry a haircut)
Too soon it's too soon it's "goodbye love
........(I'll leave the ! punctuation to you)


How is Jason looking/how are you feeling. Unstiffen that lip, just a little here.
until New Year - my high five at the screen ........ I imagine you promising to return on new Year, something a little bit desperate but reassuring.
left hanging. I feel a blizzard inside me. ............ like the blizzard (but should it be 'we'?)
Masks [back] on at reception gifts exchange - ... Found this a little unclear. The order seems wrong somehow.

a basket stuffed with sweets you’d helped
to stir and bake, your giggling image with ........... bit more detail perhaps, and the word sticky? :)
Santa hat on a card with scribbled kisses.

You will unwrap our sack of presents when
reindeer leap across your shirt, as we ache
for an avalanche of your paper snowflakes. ..... Like the idea, not sure about the execution. Paper snowflakes (another excellent title contender, by the way :) ) rather come out of nowhere.

.....
Masks back on at reception, we leave

with a basket bursting with sweets
that you'd helped stir and bake
and a picture of you giggling in your Santa hat

the card covered with large scribbled kisses
- knowing we won't get to see you
unwrap our sack of presents, reindeer

leaping across your shirt .............
...



Regards, Not

.
capricorn
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 12:49 am

Hi Caleb,

Thanks for your encouragement. To explain, my son lives in a home for autistic adults, after being locked down for 9 months they bought a 'pod' so that parents could visit. It was an emotional time. I take your point about the masks might be puzzling in later years.

I am so sad to hear about your step sister and wonder how old she was.?

I have made a few changes - hopefully for the better. :?

Eira
capricorn
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 1:17 am

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:37 pm
Hi Eira,
glad you've got the weekends, are you still in the 'pinch yourself this can't be real phase'? Actually, don't answer that, the word jinx is leaping to mind.

Hi Not,
yes I still can't believe it, but last week we had a call asking how many days we'd like him home for Xmas. All we need now is another lockdown! :roll:


I think the poem has made great strides, and all of them in the right direction, though that's no reason to stop polishing! There are a couple of places of description which are lacking in immediacy (I think) and others where the lip is still a bit too stiff.


First Christmas without You


We enter the pod and peer, unmasked .............. I think it might have a bit more weight if the line ends with 'unmasked' (emphasises the vulnerability, for me, anyway).

I quite like unmasked later

through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one, two, three. .......... shouldn't the three be one (or even cut, leaving the possibility of 'three' to be determined? That little worm of doubt.

We've always said one, two, three??

Like prison visitors, we wait silently with ........... like the idea, but I think you could do better.
roll a coaster stomachs. In the opposite corner .......... 'opposite corner' (to what?) doesn't really help me visualise the scene. Anything better?
a faux tree twinkles, struggling to create ........... don't like the enjambment, how is the tree struggling? Gamely? ...

I used 'struggling' on your original suggestions - I like it!

We wait like prison visitors, our rollercoaster
stomachs and wet palms. Uncomfortable
as that faux tree with its artificial cheer.

............ I know, it's not 'better' but best I could do on short notice :)


a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker. Disbelief

shadows your face; it has been nine ....................... is there something better than shadows? Something that would pair with the 'slackening' later. Or might 'slackens' work here (I think it plays well with plumper) and use 'succumbs into a smile' later?
months. You look older, plumper - locked
away from long walks. Dad and I chatter ................ maybe a few more examples. 'long walks' doesn't seem enough on its own (and the list would be like 'chatter').

to your unspoken replies. You wonder why ............ 'unspoken replies' - I know what you mean, but the phrasing seems a bit too pedestrian. Like the ending on 'why' though.
we don’t whisk you away home. All relax ............ feels like you rushed from 'home' to 'all relax' (could just be me though) I feel a deflating balloon image, for some reason.
as you perch, face slackening into a smile, ......... like this line (but see above)

fingers mirror mine through the partition.
The carer recalls your love for Queen’s ............... can you remember how they phrased this, might be more interesting to quote them rather than report the content of what they said? And does Bohemian Rhapsody need to be prefaced by Queen?
Bohemian Rhapsody, the Halloween lights

swirling on your bedroom ceiling and
a last-minute scramble to prune hippie locks .......not sure about prune, but ...

I often refer to it as pruning hair :lol: but changed it to snip

Too soon its - Goodbye love ............................... I think you could up the intensity a bit here

The carer recalls your enthusiasm
for Bohemian rhapsody, the swirling
Halloween lights on your bedroom ceiling

the last-minute scramble to tidy up
your hippie locks (no-one should hurry a haircut)
Too soon it's too soon it's "goodbye love
........(I'll leave the ! punctuation to you)


How is Jason looking/how are you feeling. Unstiffen that lip, just a little here.
until New Year - my high five at the screen ........ I imagine you promising to return on new Year, something a little bit desperate but reassuring.
left hanging. I feel a blizzard inside me. ............ like the blizzard (but should it be 'we'?)

I have thought about this and even tried it as 'we' but really it's just 'me' that feels this way after 'my' hand is left hanging at the screen.

Masks [back] on at reception gifts exchange - ... Found this a little unclear. The order seems wrong somehow.

a basket stuffed with sweets you’d helped
to stir and bake, your giggling image with ........... bit more detail perhaps, and the word sticky? :)
Santa hat on a card with scribbled kisses.

You will unwrap our sack of presents when
reindeer leap across your shirt, as we ache
for an avalanche of your paper snowflakes. ..... Like the idea, not sure about the execution. Paper snowflakes (another excellent title contender, by the way :) ) rather come out of nowhere.


As you can see, I like your suggestion of Paper Snowflakes for a title - it doesn't give too much away. You might remember from my poem 'Breathless'

I miss the nuisance of your shredded paper snowflakes

.....
Masks back on at reception, we leave

with a basket bursting with sweets
that you'd helped stir and bake
and a picture of you giggling in your Santa hat

the card covered with large scribbled kisses
- knowing we won't get to see you
unwrap our sack of presents, reindeer

leaping across your shirt .............
...



Regards, Not

.Revision 3 done - hope it's an improvement.

Eira
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 8:56 am

Right now I am tired, so I'm not going to do a line-by-line critique, but I do prefer the previous version in several places. If it's important to you, I'll do a direct comparison between the two. As an example, the arrangement of the words in the first stanza of the previous version sounds more lyrical to me.

So I was almost right that this was a mental hospital, but not quite. I still feel that there are a lot of details in the poem that won't be fully understood -- the location, the need for masks, etc. You know how I am ... I like absolute clarity in a poem.

This poem inspired my poem Didi. Diana was 20 years old when she jumped off the 15-story building. The shame of it was that she was almost saved. Before she went into the mental hospital, she stayed in a short-term facility where she bonded with one of the therapists, feeling that she had found someone she could believe in. But because it was a short-term facility, she had to leave and her relationship with him ended, which I think made her realize that she wasn't important to him, but just one of his patients. Things got worse after that. There was the long stay in the hospital, and then going back to school, and then a gradual decline. I am still astonished to this day that she had the courage and desperation to do such a thing. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide.
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 12:15 pm

capricorn wrote:
Mon Nov 29, 2021 1:17 am
we had a call asking how many days we'd like him home for Xmas
Finally, some good news!


Paper Snowflakes
capricorn wrote:
Mon Nov 29, 2021 1:17 am
You might remember from my poem 'Breathless'
That's been niggling at me. Knew I'd heard the phrase, couldn't remember where. Like the link between the two poems. Nicely done. (You could also restore the 'long walks', which makes more sense with the new title, but I still think you need more illustrative examples in that section).

the microphone - testing, one, two … three.
I always thought the convention was 'testing, testing, one, two, one, two, ' - but to each their own :) The only thing is I'd still suggest cutting 'three' as, at that moment, your 'three' has yet to arrive. It would be a bit too clever, I'm sure, but if there were some way for the 'three' to appear where 'disbelief' is, but ...

...

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open, you
amble in with your key worker. Disbelief

perhaps 'summon' for 'create'?
'Disbelief' almost looks like the name of the key-worker (and it's a bit on the nose, isn't it?)

...

You appear older, chubby – locked down

The 'locked down' is terrific, but does make 'older, chubby' look weak in comparison. (Spare a thought for those of us who don't know what he looks like (now, or before.))

...

your replies unspoken, wondering why
like the ambiguity of 'wondering why' - could be 'Dad and I', could be him.

...

the partition. The carer recalls how Bohemian
getting a bit clever with the enjambments are we :)

...

Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, we’ll see you soon,
New Year’s day - my high five at the screen
is left hanging as you turn to shuffle out.

Still not convinced by this verse (or the ending in general I think quite a few of the details matter to you, but are not, perhaps, that important to the reader/narrative.)


Just a thought

Masks on, we leave reception clutching
a basket stuffed with sweets you’d helped
to stir and bake, a picture of you giggling

in a Santa hat on a card covered with scribbled
kisses. Unable to watch you unwrap
our sack of presents, reindeer leaping

across your shirt – we long for your usual
avalanche of paper snowflakes.
I feel a blizzard inside me.


Alternatively, and with a little bit of pruning :)

Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, we’ll see
you soon, New Year’s day, I promise,
soon. We leave reception, masks on –

clutching a card (you giggling in a Santa hat,
covered with your inky kisses) – unable to watch
you unwrap our sack of presents, knowing

that we will miss your seasonal avalanche
of paper snowflakes. I feel a blizzard inside me.
My high five left hanging at the screen


Regards, Not

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Thu Apr 14, 2022 8:56 pm

Hi Perry,
Sorry to be so late answering (can't believe it's been so long) We had Covid at Xmas and since then my interest in poetry as been nil.
I thought I'd post this revision before posting anything new.

I'm glad my poem inspired you to write about your sister. I was sad to read about her.
Thanks for your help
Eira
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Thu Apr 14, 2022 9:23 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Mon Nov 29, 2021 12:15 pm


Hi Not,
I've been away too long! We had Covid at Xmas and since then my muse has hit rock bottom. We didn't see Jason at Xmas after all the anticipation.

I've just found this last revision and thought I'd post it to try and get into a writing mood.

Some comments below


Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, we’ll see you soon,
New Year’s day - my high five at the screen
is left hanging as you turn to shuffle out.

Still not convinced by this verse (or the ending in general I think quite a few of the details matter to you, but are not, perhaps, that important to the reader/narrative.)

I've rearranged the ending stanzas and really liked your suggestion

knowing
that we will miss your seasonal avalanche
of paper snowflakes. I feel a blizzard inside me.
My high five left hanging at the screen

That last line was just what I was looking for - thanks

Eira


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NotQuiteSure
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Fri Apr 15, 2022 2:23 pm

Hi Eira.
Very glad to see you back. You were missed.

Covid at Christmas? Does that mean Jason didn't make it home? Either way, commiserations and condolences. No wonder you haven't felt much like writing.

And your Muse has Long Covid? Tough break. But that's an excuse I might borrow.

I think it's perilously close to done, what with that new ending and all. Just a bit of polishing required.
Are you sure about 'roll a coaster' (as opposed to rollercoaster)?


We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one two, one two -

and wait, like prison visitors. Hands clenched,
roll a coaster stomachs, their faux tree
twinkling through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open - you
amble in trailing your key worker.

Disbelief stiffens your face. It has been
nine months, locked down with no walks,
no music therapy, no Sunday dinners at home.


It's the next three verses that need the work, I think. Still a bit too much reporting, not enough reaction.
(And you seem to have skipped a step between 'whisk away' and 'all unwind'.) Also, with the new ending (a big improvement, and very satisfying) these look a bit weaker by comparison.

Dad and I chatter, your replies unspoken, .............. could you add a little description to 'chatter'?
wondering why we don’t whisk you away home.
All unwind when you perch, face slackening

into a smile and slowly your fingers mirror mine ...................... anything better than 'mirror'?
through the partition. The carer recalls how Bohemian .............. I'd have liked a beat/empty line after 'partition'. It seems a moment to savour, not to hurriedly fill with 'the carer' (and how closely is anyone listening to him/her?)
Rhapsody always captures you, that Halloween

lights still swirl on your bedroom ceiling
and the last-minute scramble to snip hippie locks. ....... same with this line. It seems like the end of the verse/section, then there's the next line.
Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, I promise

we’ll see you very soon, New Year’s day.

We leave reception, masks on, clutching
a card of you giggling in a Santa hat

covered with your scribbled kisses.
Unable to watch you rip open our sack
of presents, cartoon reindeer leaping across .......... very dubious enjambment :)

your shirt – knowing we’ll miss our Boxing
Day stroll in the park and your usual
avalanche of paper snowflakes,

I feel a blizzard inside me - remembering
when
you turned to shuffle out
my high five left hanging at the screen.


Just to give you something to think about :)


We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one two, one two -

and wait, like prison visitors. Hands clenched,
roll a coaster stomachs, their faux tree
twinkling through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open - you
amble in trailing your key worker.

Disbelief stiffens your face. It has been
nine months, locked down with no walks,
no music therapy, no Sunday dinners at home.

Dad and I are speechful, tumbling over each other.
The carer fills your silence, how Bohemian
Rhapsody always captures you, the Halloween

lights still swirling on your bedroom ceiling,
and the last minute scramble to snip your hippie locks.
I imagine your wondering why we don't whisk you away.

But slowly we unwind, slowly your face slackens
into a smile and slowly you raise your hand
to capture mine through the antiseptic partition.

Too soon it’s, Goodbye love, I promise you
we’ll see you very soon, New Year’s day. I promise. I ...

We leave reception, masks on, clutching

a card of you giggling in a Santa hat
covered with your scribbled kisses.
Knowing we won't be there to watch you

rip open our sack of presents – knowing
we’ll miss our Boxing Day stroll in the park
your usual avalanche of paper snowflakes,

I feel a blizzard inside me:
remembering, as you turned to shuffle out,
my high five left hanging at the screen.



Regards, Not

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Lia
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Mon Apr 18, 2022 8:44 pm

Hello to you, capricorn.

I wanted to tell you how much I like the scene-setting throughout your poem. The opening captured me immediately. The sadness and frustration is so apparent, too. I like these lines in particular,

fingers mirror mine through
the partition.


Santa hat/ covered with your scribbled kisses.

the avalanche of paper snowflakes, and the heartfelt and well-written close of the poem. I'm glad that you returned to it so that I had the chance to read it. Many thanks.

Lia
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Tue Apr 19, 2022 4:11 am

In places the new version seems to flow a little better (towards the middle especially), but in other places (towards the end) it seems to be less effective. Truthfully, though, I think I am in a different place psychologically from the last time I read the poem, and any differences I am seeing are due to my mood.

Roll a coaster should be "roller-coaster", in my view -- or at least "roll-a-coaster" (if that's the way the British say it). As an adjective, that term is too spread out.

In the previous version, I liked the juxtaposition of these lines:

my high five at the screen
is left hanging as you turn to shuffle out.

I feel a blizzard inside me.


That juxtaposition is gone now.

As for the other changes, which consist mostly of moving around phrases, it's hard to have an opinion. I'm just not as familiar with the poem as you are, so it's hard to judge. The entire poem feels a little loose and drawn out (which admittedly was not my reaction before).

I do want you to know that I went to the trouble of putting the last two versions side-by-side in my word-processor, but that didn't seem to bring any clarity.

I still say that there is a lot in this poem that will confuse future readers: why the masks, why the nine-months of neglect, etc. The pandemic setting of the poem is hinted at but not explained.

Some of your word choices strike me as unusual, but that may be because I'm American. I don't know what a "pod" is, and what a "Perspex" window is. You say "division", but I would say "ward" -- or do you mean something else? I don't know why the patient's approach is heralded by a "hum". Is the "key worker" the same person as the "carer"? I would call the "carer" an "aide" or "nurse". When the patient "perches", does that mean he changes position? (Interesting use of the word. Obviously, people relax because the patient starts to smile.) "Hippie locks" isn't a phrase I've heard before, and having locks of each other's hair isn't a custom many people in the U.S. practice these days. "Boxing Day" must be a British thing.

The double meaning of the "paper blizzard"/snowflakes isn't so clear in this version, and the high-five seems less significant.

The last time I read this poem, I just blipped over a lot of these things. I guess I have more critical energy today.
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Mon Apr 25, 2022 10:11 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Apr 15, 2022 2:23 pm
Hi Eira.
Very glad to see you back. You were missed.

Covid at Christmas? Does that mean Jason didn't make it home? Either way, commiserations and condolences. No wonder you haven't felt much like writing.

And your Muse has Long Covid? Tough break. But that's an excuse I might borrow.

Hi Not, no we weren't well enough to have Jason Home at Xmas. We were looking forward to Easter ...but guess what?...the home was locked down for 10days as some staff had Covid :roll: then a week later Jason and another tested positive- so another 10 days, then a few days later someone else tested positive. Anyway, hopefully we should see him at the weekend. :D



I think it's perilously close to done, what with that new ending and all. Just a bit of polishing required. Good!!
Are you sure about 'roll a coaster' (as opposed to rollercoaster)?
You are right


We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one two, one two -

and wait, like prison visitors. Hands clenched,
roll a coaster stomachs, their faux tree
twinkling through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open - you
amble in trailing your key worker.

Disbelief stiffens your face. It has been
nine months, locked down with no walks,
no music therapy, no Sunday dinners at home.


It's the next three verses that need the work, I think. Still a bit too much reporting, not enough reaction.
(And you seem to have skipped a step between 'whisk away' and 'all unwind'.) Also, with the new ending (a big improvement, and very satisfying) these look a bit weaker by comparison.

Dad and I chatter, your replies unspoken, .............. could you add a little description to 'chatter'?
wondering why we don’t whisk you away home.
All unwind when you perch, face slackening

into a smile and slowly your fingers mirror mine ...................... anything better than 'mirror'?
through the partition. The carer recalls how Bohemian .............. I'd have liked a beat/empty line after 'partition'. It seems a moment to savour, not to hurriedly fill with 'the carer' (and how closely is anyone listening to him/her?)
Rhapsody always captures you, that Halloween

lights still swirl on your bedroom ceiling
and the last-minute scramble to snip hippie locks. ....... same with this line. It seems like the end of the verse/section, then there's the next line.
Too soon it’s - Goodbye love, I promise

we’ll see you very soon, New Year’s day.

We leave reception, masks on, clutching
a card of you giggling in a Santa hat

covered with your scribbled kisses.
Unable to watch you rip open our sack
of presents, cartoon reindeer leaping across .......... very dubious enjambment :)

your shirt – knowing we’ll miss our Boxing
Day stroll in the park and your usual
avalanche of paper snowflakes,

I feel a blizzard inside me - remembering
when
you turned to shuffle out
my high five left hanging at the screen.


Just to give you something to think about :)


We enter the pod and peer, unmasked,
through its Perspex window, tap
the microphone - testing, one two, one two -

and wait, like prison visitors. Hands clenched,
roll a coaster stomachs, their faux tree
twinkling through the division, struggling

to create a festive ambiance. A distant hum
approaches - the door clunks open - you
amble in trailing your key worker.

Disbelief stiffens your face. It has been
nine months, locked down with no walks,
no music therapy, no Sunday dinners at home.

Dad and I are speechful, tumbling over each other.
The carer fills your silence, how Bohemian
Rhapsody always captures you, the Halloween

lights still swirling on your bedroom ceiling,
and the last minute scramble to snip your hippie locks.
I imagine your wondering why we don't whisk you away.

But slowly we unwind, slowly your face slackens
into a smile and slowly you raise your hand
to capture mine through the antiseptic partition.

Too soon it’s, Goodbye love, I promise you
we’ll see you very soon, New Year’s day. I promise. I ...

We leave reception, masks on, clutching

a card of you giggling in a Santa hat
covered with your scribbled kisses.
Knowing we won't be there to watch you

rip open our sack of presents – knowing
we’ll miss our Boxing Day stroll in the park
your usual avalanche of paper snowflakes,

I feel a blizzard inside me:
remembering, as you turned to shuffle out,
my high five left hanging at the screen.



Regards, Not

Thanks Not, revision 5 done
Eira


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Mon Apr 25, 2022 10:21 pm

Lia wrote:
Mon Apr 18, 2022 8:44 pm
Hello to you, capricorn.

I wanted to tell you how much I like the scene-setting throughout your poem. The opening captured me immediately. The sadness and frustration is so apparent, too. I like these lines in particular,

fingers mirror mine through
the partition.


Santa hat/ covered with your scribbled kisses.

the avalanche of paper snowflakes, and the heartfelt and well-written close of the poem. I'm glad that you returned to it so that I had the chance to read it. Many thanks.

Lia
Thanks for your lovely comments, Lia. I'm glad you appreciated this. I have made a few more changes - hoping for the better.

Eira
capricorn
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Mon Apr 25, 2022 11:04 pm

CalebPerry wrote:
Tue Apr 19, 2022 4:11 am
In places the new version seems to flow a little better (towards the middle especially), but in other places (towards the end) it seems to be less effective. Truthfully, though, I think I am in a different place psychologically from the last time I read the poem, and any differences I am seeing are due to my mood.

Roll a coaster should be "roller-coaster", in my view -- or at least "roll-a-coaster" (if that's the way the British say it). As an adjective, that term is too spread out.

Yes, I realise it should be roller coaster now, my mistake.

In the previous version, I liked the juxtaposition of these lines:

my high five at the screen
is left hanging as you turn to shuffle out.

I feel a blizzard inside me.


That juxtaposition is gone now.
Sorry to read it doesn't work for you.

As for the other changes, which consist mostly of moving around phrases, it's hard to have an opinion. I'm just not as familiar with the poem as you are, so it's hard to judge. The entire poem feels a little loose and drawn out (which admittedly was not my reaction before).

I do want you to know that I went to the trouble of putting the last two versions side-by-side in my word-processor, but that didn't seem to bring any clarity.

I still say that there is a lot in this poem that will confuse future readers: why the masks, why the nine-months of neglect, etc. The pandemic setting of the poem is hinted at but not explained.

Perhaps I'll make a reference after the poem to when it was written, although I think it will be a long time before people forget the restrictions
I wouldn't say there was 9 months of neglect, just of being locked down. The carers did their best for the residents under the circumstances.


Some of your word choices strike me as unusual, but that may be because I'm American. I don't know what a "pod" is, and what a "Perspex" window is. You say "division", but I would say "ward" -- or do you mean something else? I don't know why the patient's approach is heralded by a "hum". Is the "key worker" the same person as the "carer"? I would call the "carer" an "aide" or "nurse". When the patient "perches", does that mean he changes position? (Interesting use of the word. Obviously, people relax because the patient starts to smile.) "Hippie locks" isn't a phrase I've heard before, and having locks of each other's hair isn't a custom many people in the U.S. practice these days. "Boxing Day" must be a British thing.
To explain --
I think you might find the words 'pod' & 'perspex' in the dictionary. The division is the window inside the visiting room (pod).The key worker is his main carer (not nurse) Hippie locks is just long hair like a hippies. Boxing Day is the day after Xmas day.


The double meaning of the "paper blizzard"/snowflakes isn't so clear in this version, and the high-five seems less significant.

The last time I read this poem, I just blipped over a lot of these things. I guess I have more critical energy today.

Thanks for the feedback, Perry. Much appreciated.
Eira
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Tue Apr 26, 2022 10:57 am

Hi Eira,
First. I got so many things crossed for you and your weekend I'm practically a contortionist.

Second, inches, mere inches. It's just the final three verses.
Something like ...


We leave reception, masks on, clutching
a card of you giggling in a Santa hat
and covered with your scribbled kisses.

Knowing we’ll miss not seeing you
rip open our sack of presents, the reindeer
that leap across your shirt. our stroll

in the park on Boxing Day,
your avalanche of paper snowflakes.
I feel a blizzard inside me …

... and I remember how you turned ............. (or 'I can't forget'?)
to shuffle out, my high five left
hanging at the screen.

?

Oh, and verse 6, 'recalls' for 'telling'?

Here's hoping,

Not.

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capricorn
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Fri Apr 29, 2022 12:20 am

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Apr 26, 2022 10:57 am
Hi Eira,
First. I got so many things crossed for you and your weekend I'm practically a contortionist.

That picture of you has made me laugh :lol: but thanks for the kind thoughts. You can uncross everything now as someone else has tested positive!! so it will be another 10 days... and Jason hasn't had 2 consecutive negatives anyway, :roll: yet thankfully he has no symptoms.

Second, inches, mere inches. It's just the final three verses.
Something like ...


We leave reception, masks on, clutching
a card of you giggling in a Santa hat
and covered with your scribbled kisses.

Knowing we’ll miss not seeing you
rip open our sack of presents, the reindeer
that leap across your shirt. our stroll

in the park on Boxing Day,
your avalanche of paper snowflakes.
I feel a blizzard inside me …

... and I remember how you turned ............. (or 'I can't forget'?)
to shuffle out, my high five left
hanging at the screen.

Yes I can see these lines do read smoother as a kind of list of what we'll miss..
and 'I can't forget' is more poignant than 'I remember'


Now, I think it's time I commented on some poems and posted something else. No, I haven't written anything new (my muse still has long Covid :? ) but I have some oldies I could return to.
Thanks for your help
Eira

Oh, and verse 6, 'recalls' for 'telling'?

Here's hoping,

Not.

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