Unknown Soldier

[chartsoft]

By the tomb of the unknown soldier
Lies the loss of the unknown wives
Who were left, quite bereft, victims of theft,
To get on with their shattered lives.

On the tomb of the unknown soldier
Hang the hopes of parents denied
But the faded photos are all that they know
Of the bomb broken son who died.

Past the tomb of the unknown soldier
Walk thousands of foreigners’ feet.
No longer at war, it’s all quite a bore
To view every tourist retreat.

And above the unknown soldier
In a pulpit of heavenly hope
They speak of the honour to die for your country
And not that some couldn’t cope.

They talk of the unknown soldier,
A collection of bodily bits,
With a passion of royalty, not unspeakable cruelty
That embody the blood and the shit.

And the theme of the unknown soldier
Is used on Remembrance Day
To encourage our youth to join up and fight
In wars that are so far away.

[Macavity]

By the tomb of the unknown soldier
Lies the loss of the unknown wives
Who were left, quite bereft, victims of theft,
To get on with their shattered lives.

I thought S1 was the strongest observation: the wives are often forgotten in the tragedy.

best

mac

[chartsoft]

thank you for that.
f

[Macavity]

I forgot to say there is a typo in the last verse.

An echo of Larkin in L3?

https://poets.org/poem/home-so-sad

[Amadis]

At first I thought it flippant, then the true message ambushed me.

The penultimate stanza is the one that resonates strongly with me.

[chartsoft]

Thank you all for your comments. Much appreciated.

'I forgot to say there is a typo in the last verse.' - I have failed to find it. Feel free to let me know the typo.

Thanks

[Macavity]

Hi Chartsoft

solder/soldier

[chartsoft]

thanks, macavity, so easy to miss.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi cs,
I think the internal rhymes of the third lines let this one down.

Perhaps something like ...

By the tomb of the unknown soldier
Lies the loss of the unknown wives
Abandoned by the politicians to their shattered lives.

On the tomb of the unknown soldier
Hangs a parent's hope denied
the faded photos all that they have Of the child who died.

Past the tomb of the unknown soldier
March a thousand thousand feet.
An army come to wonder at this grand tourist retreat

... might help?


Not keen on the last verse. Not sure it's true.
(actually, same reservations for the penultimate verse as well.)

It becomes a bit repetitive after the first three verses, you might want to stop at 'retreat'.


Regards, Not

.

[CalebPerry]

I think this is a good and serious poem. Some of the language strikes me as a little amateurish. I'm not sure why -- something about the syntax. But I am impressed by the seriousness and clarity of the poem. I like the fact that you are writing in rhyme. My only suggestion is that you keep reading the poem. Over time, you'll find ways to add polish to it.

You're new here, so I don't know if you are 25 or 50, having written poetry for 5 or 30 years.

[chartsoft]

Thanks again, Caleb.
Let me introduce myself. I am an oldie (59) and don't remember a time when I didn't write creatively. I love language and the games we can play with it. I am strongly influenced by Coleridge, RW Service, Kipling.
Some of my poetry gets political expressing my distaste for the Great Liar, Mr Johnson, but I have not posted any of that so far.
If I do a couple of crits today maybe I will post a political one.

[CalebPerry]

I'm an oldie too -- almost 71 with the maturity of a 12-year-old. I'm in the U.S.A. I gather you mean Boris Johnson.

[chartsoft]

Hi Caleb,

You probably know my favourite saying,

growing old is compulsory,
growing up is not.

and that wonderful poem 'When I get old I shall wear purple'.

All the best

Francis