Grave

[camus]

I

I often wanted to bring you flowers
lay them on your cold granite belly;

Become one with your goneness.

But I never did; because of “car troubles“
And the reality of never seeing you again.

II

I often wanted to bring you flowers
lay them on your cold granite belly;

become one with your goneness.

But I never did; because of car troubles
and the reality of never seeing you again.

[Macavity]

Good one Kris. Love the excuse of car troubles.. The poem does convey goneness.

Phil

[Leaf]

I like this too, Kris. I particularly appreciate the imagery in the first two lines, but it's all working for me. The formatting of L3 emphasises the goneness and the last two lines are very poignant.

I suppose you could try 'and' rather than 'And', L5, but I might not have grasped your use of caps. Anyway, excellent

Best wishes,
Leaf

[Firebird]

Hi Kris,

I agree, this works well. And I too like ‘car troubles’ and what it implies.

Good poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

[CalebPerry]

The poem doesn't work so well for me. It doesn't evoke a feeling. For me, the last two lines read like an excuse. "I didn't come to visit your grave because the car was acting up, and I knew you wouldn't be there anyway."

Presumably, the narrator, still being alive enough to write a poem, can still visit when the car is fixed.

[littlebirdsaved]

Very sad poem. The ending really hit me.

Car troubles actually worked really well for me.

[CalebPerry]

I have warmed up to the poem a little, but think it would be stronger if you moved "goneness" to the final line. Here are my suggestions:


I often wanted to bring you flowers,
lay them on your cold granite belly; [good image]

Become one with my loss.

But I never did; because of “car troubles“
and the stark* reality of your goneness.


... just a suggestion.

* stark, harsh, impossible, intractable -- lots of words could go in here. I like "impossible", as it shows that the speaker is still in denial. "Reality" could also be replaced with "truth" if you want a simpler word.

[camus]

Thanks guys, input appreciated as always.

I think 'car troubles' didn't even require speech marks, the implication should be for the reader to consider, perhaps it lessens the impact?

I did mess up with CAPS and non caps, I'm a very messy writer.

Not much to consider or change, that's why I write short poems!

Cheers
Kris

[JJWilliamson]

Yes, "car troubles" leaves the reader wondering about the kind of trouble this car brought. You could remove the speech marks but have you considered italics?

It's a slow burner, for sure, but a good one.

Best

JJ

[CalebPerry]

I always look for ways to draw out more poignancy in a poem, and that's what I'm doing with this one. The speaker is, essentially, "seeing you again", but "you" are now buried in the ground beneath granite. Perhaps making that point -- that "you" are there but can only be seen through granite, as if granite were your new clothes, might make the poem more poignant. Just a thought.

Using Roman numerals for your drafts doesn't make it clear which one is the most recent. Shouldn't the latest draft be the one at the top?