Poetry Forum

you said you would perform for us men.
you: a showstopper hostess inside a lavish cabaret.
we listen and watch you shake in that cocktail dress.
you said you’d stop performing for us men
at the cheap little place downtown where jazz heats
up like smoldering fire, I wish you could take
me out with those eyes of yours, your face is like
a soul piercer which decapitates me over and
over again. Dance and never stop.

inside at the House of Jazz, you were supposed
to be taking a nap, of course I’m going to pry
open the door, (try and stop me old friend)
I found you instead naked, dead, shot in the head.
what happened? You just performed for us.
the room became quiet and the audience chuckled
and murmured to themselves waiting for you
then my escapable hand jittered through the air
and my body started to touch you, to see if alive.

you’re on the floor deceased, I sobbed madly.
but because of this, the jazz party continues
with or without you, I would perform for you.
no none knows who shot you, I wouldn’t say a thug.
and that was it, someone would have to investigate.
but for now, let me perform for you at Cabaret House.
and see at the same time if I can find your killer.
he or she has to be somewhere.
he or she has to be responsible.

i was caught! The smoky audience foiled me!
this became my calling like a destiny unveiled.
the room smells like cigarette butts
yet the men and woman keep smoking away
leaving me wondering just what to do
about this smoke coming through the toxic air.
all I know is how to avenge my dead performer
for the fact she died, makes me crumble as well.
just like a red rose, I will rot from human error.

A while back I was feeling bad that your poems weren't getting more responses, but I don't know how to critique a poem about a cabaret performer who gets murdered. Certainly, murder is a topic that can be covered in a poem, but your treatment of it is overly dramatic and kind of childish. Most poets would take a more nuanced approach, one which reveals the reasons for, or the ramifications of, the murder, or draws some moral or conclusion that the reader might relate to or be moved by. This poem reads like a comic book.

I'm curious to know how old you are, what kind of work you do, and what it is about poetry that moves you.

CalebPerry wrote: ↑

Mon Nov 08, 2021 3:49 am

A while back I was feeling bad that your poems weren't getting more responses, but I don't know how to critique a poem about a cabaret performer who gets murdered. Certainly, murder is a topic that can be covered in a poem, but your treatment of it is overly dramatic and kind of childish. Most poets would take a more nuanced approach, one which reveals the reasons for, or the ramifications of, the murder, or draws some moral or conclusion that the reader might relate to or be moved by. This poem reads like a comic book.

I'm curious to know how old you are, what kind of work you do, and what it is about poetry that moves you.

Well I'm 30 years old, when you say work do you mean like whether I work at a job or if I write fiction, poems, essays etc? And when it comes to what moves me, poetry makes me feel invincible, I want to improve myself as a person when I write poetry.

By the way when you say it reads like a comic book, is that bad thing?

I think I've said too much already. It's not for me to judge your taste in poetry.