Poetry Forum

Not sure how I can cram poetic devices into this poem or make less like an essay (even though it is) give me some advice please!


the church can be a haunting, holy, surreal place.
the hours the priests circle inside can be tiring.
but let me ask: how do they handle heat inside?
especially when there is no heat to spare?

like they’re pigs sizzled in an oven; can they move?
the church can be a quiet, thought-provoking place.
or when it gets loud, we chant with heads up.
but let me ask: is there any point to praying?

will we shoehorn into heaven? Or hear Jesus’s name
echoing through ears and flesh after we’re dead?
the church can be a special, contemplating place.
when we look up, ceilings are covered with angels.

but let me ask: do we have to be like those angels?
all we have are prayers, even Latin in our hearts.
we tend to voice our thoughts to God.
or to the language of Latin in our hearts.

Not sure how I can cram poetic devices into this poem

My advice would be to learn how to write a Villanelle. The refrain of "but let me ask" and the repetitive nature of your poem may work well within that structure?

It's a difficult form, but oh so satisfying if you finally crack it. Rubbish or not, if you suss the structure, then you're on your way, it can be fine tuned as you progress, like all poetry. Not long until:

The Waking - Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

Get amongst it!

Like this?

Church has the power to leave a wish.
But let me ask God if he can listen.
Church has the power to give a list.

Church has the power to leave a wish,
Of God and his disciples to make me see
About the light and love to my wrist.

So, when God is there, he makes you miss
The drawing of angels on the ceiling.
Then God will grant you another wish

About the Church to make you kiss,
The people inside to make that so.
Church has the power to leave a wish.

That's a fine start! Well structured, flows well. Nice.

A huge improvement I'd say, what do you think?

That said, I'm probably the last poet you should ask about form, i can merely advise...

Well played though, a mighty fine first draft.

Cheers
Kris

I'm not a huge fan of this kind of poetry, but it flowed nicely.

The title really helped me understand the main idea.