Poetry Forum

(version 1)

Didi

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, though you know
how much I tried — those visits on the weekends.
Who was this girl from the family’s other side?

I was too far from your age to understand you.
My teenaged years had been a blur. Not sure
how to be a brother or a friend, I couldn’t
give you the sense of family you deserved.

But we shared the same dad. I knew how skillful
an invader he could be, an obfuscator.
He could pull a child out of her skin and make
her question who she was, turn her childish joy
to scrambled eggs. By then, the harm was done.
Your mother was the same: two determined
narcissists, rapists by another name.

You couldn’t live in a world that didn’t
love you, disillusioned you. I knew how,
but couldn’t find the right words to convey.
The truth is that the world loves very few.

You tried to fly and discovered that you couldn’t.
Your broken frame looked awkward in the box;
eyes closed, too late to show you how to live;
ears closed, too late to say it won’t take long;
too late to tell you “this will pass” “be strong”.

You never grew up; I grew up too late to save you.

~end~

This isn't exactly a first draft, but it's the first draft that I'm happy with.

I owe this poem to Capricorn. His poem about visiting Jason in the hospital was a direct inspiration for this poem, because I visited my half-sister Didi in the mental hospital many times. Thank you, Eira.

turn her childish joy
to scrambled eggs.

Excellent imagery.

It is an intense, raw poem Caleb.

Larkin's poem comes to mind:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... -the-verse

best

Phil

Thanks for your comment. My task now is just to make the language a little smoother.

I like that Larkin poem. I'm going to save it.

I love raw, prose-like poetry like yours. I hate lofty langage. Your poem really hit me hard. Thank you.

Thank you, Little, I'm grateful for your comment.

Good poem. I wonder how necessary the first stanza is. I feel it would be a stronger start without it.

You couldn’t live in a world that didn’t
love you, disillusioned you. I knew how,
but couldn’t find the right words to convey.
The truth is that the world loves very few. - again, the last line feels pretty inconsequential.

Thank you for your thoughts, Ray.

No one else suggested those changes, which makes me think they didn't (or might not) agree. Eliminating the first stanza feels like walking into the story in the middle of it. The other line you'd have me eliminate is more personal, something I should have said to Didi but didn't (to the best of my memory). In retrospect, my feeling was that Didi expected too much from the world, whereas a person needs to compromise with it in order to survive. I'm also a poet who likes to state conclusions outright instead of letting them go unspoken.

However, I'll keep your suggestions in mind whenever I focus on the poem. (I'm still in that period when I am reading the poem a lot looking for ways to improve it.)

Hi, guys.

I am knocking this to the top because a publisher has asked me to remove the last line. The problem for me is that the last line has a lot of meaning. One of the reasons I wasn't able to help my half-sister Didi was that I was emotionally immature myself. This was when I was in my forties. The last line was my way of apologizing to her for not being a more effective brother. When I read the poem to myself, that last line always gives me an emotional whack. I think it should stay in.

The publisher wants the whole line out, but I don't want to remove it. This is a prominent publication.

I would accept the publisher's viewpoint if it was me, but I understand your reluctance Caleb.

Bw

Phil

Thanks, Phil.

I should clarify that the publication isn't THAT prominent, but it is one that we all respect.

I'm leaning towards saying no. If I die before I reprint the poem in a book, then the version I don't want will become the historical version. (Not that I expect to be remembered, but there is a possibility.)

This is a strong poem, Caleb, and it’s heart-wrenching. I think ending on “this will pass” “be strong” is powerful and poignant. On the other hand, the last line is quite good and is also sincere. I wonder if there’s any other place you could insert it in the poem, so it’s not at the end.

The imagery is excellent, like “He could pull a child out of her skin and make / her question who she was, turn her childish joy / to scrambled eggs.”

It sounds as if the parents were gaslighting poor Didi. They sound not only narcissistic but possibly even somewhat psychopathic.

In psychology there’s something called the dark triad:

The dark triad is a psychological theory of personality, first published by Delroy L. Paulhus and Kevin M. Williams in 2002, that describes three notably offensive, but non-pathological personality types: Machiavellianism, sub-clinical narcissism, and sub-clinical psychopathy. Each of these personality types is called dark because each is considered to contain malevolent qualities.

All three dark triad traits are conceptually distinct although empirical evidence shows them to be overlapping. They are associated with a callous–manipulative interpersonal style.

Hi Caleb,

I too think this is strong work and well told just as it is. If you wanted to tweak, you might consider dropping the before weekends, or here - "You tried to fly and discovered that you couldn’t" - you could try out "discovered you could not." Both obviously just suggestions for you to contemplate as you prefer.

Cheers,
John

Thanks, MIles and John. I do believe that I can get this poem published if this publisher doesn't take it. He hasn't said that he WON'T take it, just that he feels the final line is superfluous.

My father and his second wife were the types who would scold their children for not having the right ideas. They tried to manipulate their daughters' behavior rather than focus on what the daughters needed emotionally. They used shaming, and they certainly used gaslighting.

I'll consider your suggestions, John.

============

Ah, the publisher just accepted the poem as-is when I told him my forum group thought the final line was okay. Thanks to you all!

Congratulations!

Cheers,
John

Congrats from me too, Caleb!