Bacon sandwiches smelled of failure

[littlebirdsaved]

Bacon sandwiches reminded her of the vastness of space
There was a lot to explore between ham and neck.
They smelled of lost chances and time passing,
So she stuck with peanut butter and jelly

The splattering oil hitting her eyes reminded her
of the days when it was difficult to wake up
because the pain came at dawn,
and disappeared only behind closed eyelids.

The crispiness of burnt bacon reminded her
of the times when she tried and failed.
And it was too hard to scrape the signs of this failure off the pan,
so she threw it out.

In an attempt to forget, she became vegan.
But then lentils stuck to the bottom of the pot,
and she once again failed.

She threw herself out thinking of the vastness of space.

[Macavity]

Hi LB

The bacon got my interest, though you do use it in a couple of lines and title, but then the poem is structured with repetitions. To convey a sense of being weighed down with failure?

I think the foodie failures were effective in conveying that sense of failure, but I don't feel you need to reinforce by lines like :

and she once again failed.

best

Phil

[camus]

I think it's a big topic as is any existential poem and unfortunately the analogy becomes overwrought and the point laboured. Definitely needs some slicing...

Cheers
Kris

[littlebirdsaved]

Thank you both. I'll try to slice it a bit...

Bacon sandwiches reminded her of the vastness of space
They smelled of lost chances and time passing.

The splattering oil reminded her
of the days when it was difficult to wake up
and the sun's rays hurt her eyes.

The crispiness reminded her of failure.
And it was too hard to scrape the signs off the pan,
so she threw it out thinking of the vastness of space.

[Macavity]

Effective slicing LB. More focus. Pleased you kept in the oil. My only thought is to trim the title to Bacon Sandwiches.

The convention is to post the revision just above the original posting (using the edit option). It is easier for the reader to make comparisons that way, especially if threads get extended.

best

Phil

[bjondon]

Hi lbs, I was feeling sorry for the bacon sandwiches, but there's definitely some mileage in beating a metaphor to death, like picking at a scab, the compulsiveness of it, the self destructiveness. So this has been growing on me, but it feels a bit too raw and first drafty

Bacon sandwiches reminded her of the vastness of space
There was a lot to explore between ham and neck. - good line. Is that where the slices come from?
They smelled of lost chances and time passing,
So she stuck with peanut butter and jelly - This first stanza could easily stand alone, it works well, a nice bathetic ending but I suppose lighter than you are intending.

If you're going for this you might as well begin every stanza with . . .

Bacon sandwiches splattering oil hitting her eyes reminded her
of the days when it was difficult to wake up
because the pain came at dawn,
and disappeared only behind closed eyelids.

Bacon sandwiches burnt to a crisp reminded her
of the times when she tried and failed.
And it was too hard to scrape the signs of this failure off the pan,
so she threw it out.

This next stanza just doesn't work for me, the alt to replace it with 'Then' (?)
In an attempt to forget, she became vegan.
But then lentils stuck to the bottom of the pot,
and she once again failed.

She threw herself out thinking of the vastness of space.

Best, Jules