Extinction Rebellion -revised

[ray miller]

This marching, these banners, remind me of Tot,
gently spoken, dreadlocked, who once offered
to construct a house for our kids in the tree
at the end of our garden. He’d protested at
the Newbury bypass, built and inhabited
his own tree-house, so we figured he’d take
just a few days or so. He laboured all summer,
hampered somewhat by a refusal to hammer
nails into wood because of the pain that caused
the tree, and a penchant for stopping and staring
at the world from his heightened aspect.
He dropped dead last year, only 57,
a heart attack busking outside the train station.
His partner crowd-funded to pay for the wake
and that would have met his approval.
It was unlike him to exit so quickly, she said,
but he’d never have stood for a bypass.


Original


This marching, these banners, remind me of Tot,
gently spoken, dreadlocked, who once offered
to construct a house for our kids in the tree
at the end of our garden. He’d protested at
the Newbury bypass, built and inhabited
his own tree-house, so we figured he’d take
just a few days or so. He laboured all summer,
hampered somewhat by a refusal to hammer
nails into wood because of the pain that caused,
and a penchant for stopping and staring at the world
for half-hours from his heightened aspect.
He dropped dead last year, quite out of the blue,
a heart attack busking outside the train station.
It was unlike him to exit so quickly,
but he’d never have stood for a bypass.
His partner crowd-funded to pay for the wake
and that would have met his approval.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi ray,
I guess the repeat of 'bypass' can't be avoided.
It seems to me that the last four lines are in the wrong order (surely the joke is 'stood for a bypass', not 'met his approval'?)

He laboured all summer, / hampered, somewhat, by a refusal to hammer favourite line.
(Maybe 'refusing to hammer ...'? Seems smoother rhythmically, but what do I know?)

nails into wood because of the pain that caused
the trees; and for stopping to stare at the world


He dropped dead last year, quite out of the blue,
a heart attack busking outside the train station............. 'out of the blue' then 'outside'? (busking at xx train station?)
His partner crowd-funded to pay for the wake
and act that was widely met with approval.
It was unlike him to exit so quickly, he/she said
but he’d never have stood for a bypass.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

Thanks, Not.

Hi ray,
I guess the repeat of 'bypass' can't be avoided.
It seems to me that the last four lines are in the wrong order (surely the joke is 'stood for a bypass', not 'met his approval'?)

He laboured all summer, / hampered, somewhat, by a refusal to hammer favourite line.
(Maybe 'refusing to hammer ...'? Seems smoother rhythmically, but what do I know?)

nails into wood because of the pain that caused
the trees; and for stopping to stare at the world


He dropped dead last year, quite out of the blue,
a heart attack busking outside the train station............. 'out of the blue' then 'outside'? (busking at xx train station?)
His partner crowd-funded to pay for the wake
and act that was widely met with approval.
It was unlike him to exit so quickly, he/she said
but he’d never have stood for a bypass.

Regards, Not

.

I had felt that the last 4 lines were in the wrong order, but I hadn't thought to get his partner to say the final lines. Thankyou.
Also, originally had "the pain that caused the trees" but took it out because of the repetition. We'll see.

[Macavity]

I like this Ray. The humour is understated. In keeping with gently spoken. The revised ending is more effective.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi ray,
I think you were right about that 'tree' repetition. Perhaps the name/type of tree? Or even just cut 'the tree' - it can easily be inferred.
Thumbs up on the rest.

Regards, Not.

[Lia]

Hello Ray,

When I saw the title, I was curious. Your poem wasn't what I was expecting to find. It transported me straight to 1996, and some of my friends tied to trees. Chained, sometimes. Not that I was there, but I was told all sorts of stories and saw plenty of photos. If you ever look them up, some of my friends will be the ones round campfires looking the scruffiest. One of my friends caused a great deal of trouble for the construction workers! He was there until the bitter end and has always said it was one of the best times of his life... the trouble-making, that is.

But I don't know of Tot. I thought maybe it was a nod to Tot Hill. In any case, the poem took me in a direction I wasn't expecting. It's commemorative, wistful and lighthearted all at once, and the close is perfect. Really like this,

"a penchant for stopping and staring
at the world from his heightened aspect"

Though I didn't know him, I can see him distinctly through your descriptions. A smashing poem. Thank you for carrying me back to a time when the fundamentals mattered and the game of politics didn't exist. It was just the simple, organic things. The woods, laughter and music round the campfire.

[CalebPerry]

I'm not quite sure what the point of the poem is. It seems to be a snippet from the end of someone's life. Mac sees humor in it, but it doesn't strike me as humorous. If it's not meant to get a laugh, then there must be a moral to it, but I'm not getting it.

[ray miller]

Thanks, Lia, Caleb. Pleased it brought back some pleasant memories for you, Lia.
There's not really any moral to be drawn, Caleb, "It's commemorative, wistful and lighthearted" as Lia says.