Against the warring winds I plod
where beacons shone and Romans trod
to apprehend the work of God.
More light and space than eyes can bear
caress and shape the contoured land.
Such billows populate the air,
you'd almost feel the world was planned.
But when in spring the slopes are full
of bluebells echoing the sky,
I set my face at heaven’s pull
and wheel away from where they lie.
On The Hills
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7391
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Last edited by ray miller on Thu Apr 07, 2022 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Hello Ray. I see you've brought a very tightly woven poem with you and what a voice you've found for it, too! I particularly enjoy the timing of S2. I wondered if you would consider you'd here,
... my reason is that the 'd' works nicely with the other d-sounds in the line. See what you think.
A beautifully written and intriguing last stanza. A small tug o' war, perhaps.
Lia
you almost feel the world was planned.
... my reason is that the 'd' works nicely with the other d-sounds in the line. See what you think.
A beautifully written and intriguing last stanza. A small tug o' war, perhaps.
Lia
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi ray,
I like S1 (though might prefer 'beacons burned', or 'banners rose'), I'm just a bit unsure about the 'at' (S3/L3) - is the sense 'against'?
Regards, Not
.
I like S1 (though might prefer 'beacons burned', or 'banners rose'), I'm just a bit unsure about the 'at' (S3/L3) - is the sense 'against'?
Regards, Not
.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7391
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Thanks all.
Lia - "you'd" it is, good idea.
Not - glad someone likes the first verse. I like beacons burned for the alliteration but I also like shone for the assonance. Yes, "at" as in "against".
Phil, Jim - I completely understand why the first verse should go, but I'll have to be stubborn. I have my reasons.
Lia - "you'd" it is, good idea.
Not - glad someone likes the first verse. I like beacons burned for the alliteration but I also like shone for the assonance. Yes, "at" as in "against".
Phil, Jim - I completely understand why the first verse should go, but I'll have to be stubborn. I have my reasons.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3015
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
"heaven's pull" doesn't mean a lot to me, especially with "at" in front of it. "To" heaven's pull sounds better, but I'm still not sure what it means.
However, I like the poem overall and have no problem blipping over the words I'm unsure of.
However, I like the poem overall and have no problem blipping over the words I'm unsure of.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7391
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Thanks, Caleb. "Heaven's pull" refers back to line 7 where " you'd almost feel the world was planned". Our hero is a non-believer. I wish I could think of a title to express this.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3015
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
The poem is making more sense to me now. I think I was tired when I first read it.
The older I get, the more I see design in coincidences.
The older I get, the more I see design in coincidences.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
I hope it's ok to chime back in here, Ray, but what if you said something in the title that shows the edge or division in the narrator's mind? Not this, but something along the lines of The Cusp of the Hills or Walking the Edges or The Edgeway. These might refer to an agnostic view... But perhaps something here will help you springboard to a better idea than I've given.
Lia
Lia