On The Hills

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ray miller
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Mon Apr 04, 2022 6:07 pm

Against the warring winds I plod
where beacons shone and Romans trod
to apprehend the work of God.

More light and space than eyes can bear
caress and shape the contoured land.
Such billows populate the air,
you'd almost feel the world was planned.

But when in spring the slopes are full
of bluebells echoing the sky,
I set my face at heaven’s pull
and wheel away from where they lie.
Last edited by ray miller on Thu Apr 07, 2022 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Lia
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Tue Apr 05, 2022 9:46 pm

Hello Ray. I see you've brought a very tightly woven poem with you and what a voice you've found for it, too! I particularly enjoy the timing of S2. I wondered if you would consider you'd here,
you almost feel the world was planned.

... my reason is that the 'd' works nicely with the other d-sounds in the line. See what you think.

A beautifully written and intriguing last stanza. A small tug o' war, perhaps.

Lia
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Wed Apr 06, 2022 9:19 am

That time of year Ray! I think the poem is better without S1 (it does rather plod). Nice spring view comes into mind, especially the bluebells echoing the sky.
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Jim
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Wed Apr 06, 2022 2:19 pm

Hi Ray, I agree with Phil about the first stanza. I think you should get rid of it and keep the other two.

Jim
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Wed Apr 06, 2022 2:59 pm

Hi ray,
I like S1 (though might prefer 'beacons burned', or 'banners rose'), I'm just a bit unsure about the 'at' (S3/L3) - is the sense 'against'?

Regards, Not

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ray miller
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Thu Apr 07, 2022 9:51 am

Thanks all.
Lia - "you'd" it is, good idea.
Not - glad someone likes the first verse. I like beacons burned for the alliteration but I also like shone for the assonance. Yes, "at" as in "against".
Phil, Jim - I completely understand why the first verse should go, but I'll have to be stubborn. I have my reasons.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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CalebPerry
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Fri Apr 08, 2022 8:43 am

"heaven's pull" doesn't mean a lot to me, especially with "at" in front of it. "To" heaven's pull sounds better, but I'm still not sure what it means.

However, I like the poem overall and have no problem blipping over the words I'm unsure of.
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ray miller
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Fri Apr 08, 2022 1:15 pm

Thanks, Caleb. "Heaven's pull" refers back to line 7 where " you'd almost feel the world was planned". Our hero is a non-believer. I wish I could think of a title to express this.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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CalebPerry
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Sat Apr 09, 2022 8:39 am

The poem is making more sense to me now. I think I was tired when I first read it.

The older I get, the more I see design in coincidences.
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If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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Lia
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Mon Apr 18, 2022 8:03 pm

I hope it's ok to chime back in here, Ray, but what if you said something in the title that shows the edge or division in the narrator's mind? Not this, but something along the lines of The Cusp of the Hills or Walking the Edges or The Edgeway. These might refer to an agnostic view... But perhaps something here will help you springboard to a better idea than I've given.

Lia
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