The Old Armchair (rev 5)
Old Armchair (rev 5)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by,
a spread of tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I take down her adored water
colours, pack memories
into boxes. China ladies swim
with glass fish, grandparents
smiling from embossed albums.
I polish the sixties stereogram
until it gleams and still her armchair,
reupholstered in olive brocade,
the suite’s sole survivor, stands
by the window, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into Kisses on the sofa,
open mouths trembling,
parents watch Bonanza -
volume turned up.
I squeeze Dad’s hand, nerves
gnawing - the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Nursing my boys, I inhale
baby scents, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
Stuffed on Boxing Days,
we relax in a mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of brandy.
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down,
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I reach for her photo, taken last year,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades -
outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear -
It’s only a chair love.
-----------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair (revision 4)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour draping the window bay;
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I take down floral water colours,
admiring her talent, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
the suite’s sole survivor
stands by the window, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
Bonanza, blaring in the adjacent room.
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
I nursed my boys, inhaling
baby scents, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up crochet cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear -
It’s only a chair love.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair (revision 3)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour
where gold velour drapes the window bay
keepsakes scattering the gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent covers the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
its matching sofa long gone
now stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, News at Ten blaring.
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her -
It’s only a chair love.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair (revision 2)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour draping the window bay
as keepsakes scatter gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
tinged with laughter.
In their midst is her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Her talent paints the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
----------------------------------------
Ending was:
I snuggle into time worn arms
while outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her
It’s only a chair love
and I kiss goodbye
as she fades away.
---------------------------------
The Old Armchair (rev 1)
Escaping the dreary mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness
then step into her sitting room.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
She sits in their midst
cushioned on her velvet armchair -
a Queen on her throne.
Now memories are packed into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
I take her oils down from the walls,
nodding to her talent, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries -
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair
Escaping the grim mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness, until
I step into her sitting room,
gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom.
Past guests brush by, welcome
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
But her mind became scrambled,
friends dwindled, she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Memories tumble -
I sag onto the dusty armchair
nudging back the years -
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watching
TV, we hear it blasting
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s started to rain.
over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of Cognac
Mam sat on this chair, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
her tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear her -
it’s only a chair love.
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by,
a spread of tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I take down her adored water
colours, pack memories
into boxes. China ladies swim
with glass fish, grandparents
smiling from embossed albums.
I polish the sixties stereogram
until it gleams and still her armchair,
reupholstered in olive brocade,
the suite’s sole survivor, stands
by the window, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into Kisses on the sofa,
open mouths trembling,
parents watch Bonanza -
volume turned up.
I squeeze Dad’s hand, nerves
gnawing - the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Nursing my boys, I inhale
baby scents, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
Stuffed on Boxing Days,
we relax in a mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of brandy.
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down,
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I reach for her photo, taken last year,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades -
outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear -
It’s only a chair love.
-----------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair (revision 4)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour draping the window bay;
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I take down floral water colours,
admiring her talent, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
the suite’s sole survivor
stands by the window, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
Bonanza, blaring in the adjacent room.
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
I nursed my boys, inhaling
baby scents, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up crochet cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear -
It’s only a chair love.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair (revision 3)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour
where gold velour drapes the window bay
keepsakes scattering the gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent covers the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
its matching sofa long gone
now stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, News at Ten blaring.
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her -
It’s only a chair love.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair (revision 2)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour draping the window bay
as keepsakes scatter gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
tinged with laughter.
In their midst is her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Her talent paints the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
----------------------------------------
Ending was:
I snuggle into time worn arms
while outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her
It’s only a chair love
and I kiss goodbye
as she fades away.
---------------------------------
The Old Armchair (rev 1)
Escaping the dreary mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness
then step into her sitting room.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
She sits in their midst
cushioned on her velvet armchair -
a Queen on her throne.
Now memories are packed into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
I take her oils down from the walls,
nodding to her talent, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries -
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
------------------------------------------
The Old Armchair
Escaping the grim mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness, until
I step into her sitting room,
gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom.
Past guests brush by, welcome
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
But her mind became scrambled,
friends dwindled, she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Memories tumble -
I sag onto the dusty armchair
nudging back the years -
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watching
TV, we hear it blasting
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s started to rain.
over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of Cognac
Mam sat on this chair, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
her tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear her -
it’s only a chair love.
Last edited by capricorn on Mon Sep 12, 2022 10:30 pm, edited 11 times in total.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7391
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Enjoyed the read. You provide a lot of detail. I wonder if the armchair is emphasised enough in the poem to warrant the last line?
capricorn wrote: ↑Wed May 25, 2022 10:32 pmThe Old Armchair
Escaping the grim mizzle
I turn the front door key
into emptiness, until
I step into her sitting room, - I think you need something stronger than a comma after "room"
gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom.
Past guests brush by, welcome - maybe "and past guests...." let the 2nd and 3rd stanzas run into each other
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
But her mind became scrambled, - seems a bit abrupt
friends dwindled, she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies dance with glass fish, - swim instead of dance?
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Memories tumble - - the repeat of "memories" jars a bit
I sag onto the dusty armchair
nudging back the years -
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watching
TV, we hear it blasting - I like the enjambment in this stanza
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s started to rain.
over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of Cognac
Mam sat on this chair, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
her tea half drunk and cold. - another very fine stanza
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear her - not sure about the punctuation. Outside the clouds open,/ releasing a deluge. I hear her - ?
it’s only a chair love.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I truly enjoy your retelling of memories here, Eira. I can picture it so well in my mind - the silence and emptiness giving way to different moments in the past as the narrator revisits them. I also like the idea of centring everything around the old armchair. It's a special kind of symbolism. I think of my grandmother and how her whole life seemed to be lived from that one particular seat.
I've read through Ray's comments and thought they were very useful. I also stopped at the line 'But her mind became scrambled' and thought it could be said in a different way - whether she became muddled, or started to fumble through thoughts, for instance.
The last three stanzas are powerful. A perfect close to a nostalgic and deeply moving poem.
Lia
I've read through Ray's comments and thought they were very useful. I also stopped at the line 'But her mind became scrambled' and thought it could be said in a different way - whether she became muddled, or started to fumble through thoughts, for instance.
The last three stanzas are powerful. A perfect close to a nostalgic and deeply moving poem.
Lia
Hi,
You've got some great verbs here - scatter, nudging - where the verbs are doing new duty as often happens in great poems. You've also got some splendid nouns, to my mind, mizzle being a definite favorite for me. So, there is linguistic pleasure just in the digestion of this longish piece. Thank you!
I think your premise is well suited to the poignancy of loss, and you are right to go for what Eliot called an objective correlative - like Desdemona's handkerchief - to convey that emotion. There is a pathos to it, a helplessness, a contrast between the flood of memories evoked and the ordinariness, indeed the prosaic nature of the armchair in question.
My favorite moment is this stanza:
Past guests brush by, welcome
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
I like to think of these as ghosts the N half-sees thronging the daytime room. I think that premise could even be expanded, if so. I'm less surprised by the N's reminiscences, which I guess is only natural. But I think half the fun of this poem is its daydreamy nature. It drifts a bit, as reveries do. Very nice.
Cheers,
John
You've got some great verbs here - scatter, nudging - where the verbs are doing new duty as often happens in great poems. You've also got some splendid nouns, to my mind, mizzle being a definite favorite for me. So, there is linguistic pleasure just in the digestion of this longish piece. Thank you!
I think your premise is well suited to the poignancy of loss, and you are right to go for what Eliot called an objective correlative - like Desdemona's handkerchief - to convey that emotion. There is a pathos to it, a helplessness, a contrast between the flood of memories evoked and the ordinariness, indeed the prosaic nature of the armchair in question.
My favorite moment is this stanza:
Past guests brush by, welcome
for tea and cakes, chatter
tinged with laughter.
I like to think of these as ghosts the N half-sees thronging the daytime room. I think that premise could even be expanded, if so. I'm less surprised by the N's reminiscences, which I guess is only natural. But I think half the fun of this poem is its daydreamy nature. It drifts a bit, as reveries do. Very nice.
Cheers,
John
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Eira,
lots to like, but not enough armchair, for me.
Escaping the grim mizzle .............. not sure that 'mizzle' can be 'grim' but, ok.
I turn the front door key
into emptiness, until .................. don't think you need this, and it undercuts what is a very nice thought.
I step into her sitting room:
gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes jostle in the gloom.
past guests brush by welcome ....... really like 'past guests brush by', but, again, welcome undercuts it.
for tea and cakes, most afternoons
were tinged with laughter.
Could you add a verse here about the armchair. (And is it 'her' armchair?)
And her chair sits, where
it has always sat ...
But her mind became scrambled, .......... agree with ray, this is all a bit sudden. Actually, is it even needed?
friends dwindled, she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums. ........I think the move from this verse to the next happens too quickly. Perhaps another verse of 'keepsakes' or simply go straight to 'kissing' (let one list flow into another)
Memories tumble -
I sag onto the dusty armchair
nudging back the years -................................. don't think you need this verse. You're telling what you immediately go on to show.
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watching
TV, we hear it blasting
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s started to rain................maybe, it's starting to rain ? (Though there are a lot of -ings in these two verses.)
over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of Cognac ..................... I'd suggest cutting this, mellow atmosphere and sipping snifters aren't doing much, and 'starting to rain' works better, I think, if it leads to 'Mam sat'
Mam sat on this chair, waiting ............... if 'this chair' is the armchair, should 'on' be 'in'?
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away. ........ enjoyed the ambiguity here, were the arms the chair's or hers.
Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear her - ................ not sure these lines are quite there yet. If the 'clouds open' then surely a 'deluge' follows, so is the word needed? Though the punctuation suggest that the deuluge being released isn't rain, but grief, so maybe it is
it’s only a chair love.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge(,) I hear her,
It's only a chair, love.
Regards, Not
.
lots to like, but not enough armchair, for me.
Escaping the grim mizzle .............. not sure that 'mizzle' can be 'grim' but, ok.
I turn the front door key
into emptiness, until .................. don't think you need this, and it undercuts what is a very nice thought.
I step into her sitting room:
gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes jostle in the gloom.
past guests brush by welcome ....... really like 'past guests brush by', but, again, welcome undercuts it.
for tea and cakes, most afternoons
were tinged with laughter.
Could you add a verse here about the armchair. (And is it 'her' armchair?)
And her chair sits, where
it has always sat ...
But her mind became scrambled, .......... agree with ray, this is all a bit sudden. Actually, is it even needed?
friends dwindled, she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums. ........I think the move from this verse to the next happens too quickly. Perhaps another verse of 'keepsakes' or simply go straight to 'kissing' (let one list flow into another)
Memories tumble -
I sag onto the dusty armchair
nudging back the years -................................. don't think you need this verse. You're telling what you immediately go on to show.
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watching
TV, we hear it blasting
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s started to rain................maybe, it's starting to rain ? (Though there are a lot of -ings in these two verses.)
over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of Cognac ..................... I'd suggest cutting this, mellow atmosphere and sipping snifters aren't doing much, and 'starting to rain' works better, I think, if it leads to 'Mam sat'
Mam sat on this chair, waiting ............... if 'this chair' is the armchair, should 'on' be 'in'?
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away. ........ enjoyed the ambiguity here, were the arms the chair's or hers.
Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear her - ................ not sure these lines are quite there yet. If the 'clouds open' then surely a 'deluge' follows, so is the word needed? Though the punctuation suggest that the deuluge being released isn't rain, but grief, so maybe it is
it’s only a chair love.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge(,) I hear her,
It's only a chair, love.
Regards, Not
.
ray miller wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 9:47 amEnjoyed the read. You provide a lot of detail. I wonder if the armchair is emphasised enough in the poem to warrant the last line?
Thanks Ray, I've tried to make more of the armchair and think I've addressed your thoughts.
Eira
Thanks for your thoughts on this, Lia. A revision is up now - hope it's improved. I doubt it will be the last revision
I think a lot of old people have their 'special' chair -nice to hear about your grandma.
Eira
I think a lot of old people have their 'special' chair -nice to hear about your grandma.
Eira
NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 12:08 pmHi Eira,
lots to like, but not enough armchair, for me.
Hi Not - hope I've added a bit more chair in rev 1
Escaping the grim mizzle .............. not sure that 'mizzle' can be 'grim' but, ok. I quite like dismal - but it sounded a bit of a tongue twister with mizzle. Have changed to dreary
I turn the front door key
into emptiness, until .................. don't think you need this, and it undercuts what is a very nice thought.
I step into her sitting room:
gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes jostle in the gloom.
past guests brush by welcome ....... really like 'past guests brush by', but, again, welcome undercuts it.
for tea and cakes, most afternoons
were tinged with laughter.
Could you add a verse here about the armchair. (And is it 'her' armchair?)
And her chair sits, where
it has always sat ...
Added a bit about her chair
But her mind became scrambled, .......... agree with ray, this is all a bit sudden. Actually, is it even needed?
friends dwindled, she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Missed this stanza
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums. ........I think the move from this verse to the next happens too quickly. Perhaps another verse of 'keepsakes' or simply go straight to 'kissing' (let one list flow into another)
Added another stanza
Memories tumble -
I sag onto the dusty armchair
nudging back the years -................................. don't think you need this verse. You're telling what you immediately go on to show.
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watching
TV, we hear it blasting
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s started to rain................maybe, it's starting to rain ? (Though there are a lot of -ings in these two verses.)
over-feasted on Boxing Days,
we gathered in the mellow atmosphere.
sipping snifters of Cognac ..................... I'd suggest cutting this, mellow atmosphere and sipping snifters aren't doing much, and 'starting to rain' works better, I think, if it leads to 'Mam sat'
Missed this stanza - did have another which I could always bring back
Mam sat on this chair, waiting ............... if 'this chair' is the armchair, should 'on' be 'in'?
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away. ........ enjoyed the ambiguity here, were the arms the chair's or hers.
Glad you noticed the ambiguity
Outside the clouds open;
releasing a deluge I hear her - ................ not sure these lines are quite there yet. If the 'clouds open' then surely a 'deluge' follows, so is the word needed? Though the punctuation suggest that the deuluge being released isn't rain, but grief, so maybe it is
it’s only a chair love.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge(,) I hear her,
It's only a chair, love.
I'd rewritten this stanza a few times and probably didn't choose the right one. Yes it does refer to grief (not rain) so your suggestion was spot on. Thanks.
Eira
Regards, Not
.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Eira,
improved, I think, but I'm not sure you've cracked S4 yet. Still not enough chair for me!
Escaping the dreary mizzle ............ when would mizzle not be dreary?
Escaping the grey day's mizzle ?
I turn the front door key
into emptiness
.......................................................feels like there should be something (a taking off of a coat, a putting on the light) between verses 1 and 2.
then step into her sitting room.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, chatter ................. chatter tinged isn't that pleasing (to say).
tinged with laughter.
She sits in their midst
cushioned on her velvet armchair -
a Queen on her throne. .................... seems to be more about her than the chair.
Her chair, twice recovered
wedding present ...
Now memories are packed into boxes, ........... does this need to be said quite so explicitly?
China ladies swim with glass fishes
in half a dozen cardboard boxes
grandparents smile from embossed albums. ?
I take her oils down from the walls,
I take down her last oils
age never did steal her talent / for all she lost it wasn't this ?
nodding to her talent, polish the sixties ......... not sure about 'nodding' but like 'polish the sixties'
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries -
Her chair sits alone.
I take her place. It swallows me. ?
...
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch.........................not sure about 'trembling' (can an open mouth tremble?)
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms; ................Ah, I thought you'd sat down in S6 (so how 'plump up'?)
kiss goodbye as she fades away. ............ Don't think you need this, going from 'arms' to 'outside' seems stronger, to me.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
improved, I think, but I'm not sure you've cracked S4 yet. Still not enough chair for me!
Escaping the dreary mizzle ............ when would mizzle not be dreary?
Escaping the grey day's mizzle ?
I turn the front door key
into emptiness
.......................................................feels like there should be something (a taking off of a coat, a putting on the light) between verses 1 and 2.
then step into her sitting room.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, chatter ................. chatter tinged isn't that pleasing (to say).
tinged with laughter.
She sits in their midst
cushioned on her velvet armchair -
a Queen on her throne. .................... seems to be more about her than the chair.
Her chair, twice recovered
wedding present ...
Now memories are packed into boxes, ........... does this need to be said quite so explicitly?
China ladies swim with glass fishes
in half a dozen cardboard boxes
grandparents smile from embossed albums. ?
I take her oils down from the walls,
I take down her last oils
age never did steal her talent / for all she lost it wasn't this ?
nodding to her talent, polish the sixties ......... not sure about 'nodding' but like 'polish the sixties'
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries -
Her chair sits alone.
I take her place. It swallows me. ?
...
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch.........................not sure about 'trembling' (can an open mouth tremble?)
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms; ................Ah, I thought you'd sat down in S6 (so how 'plump up'?)
kiss goodbye as she fades away. ............ Don't think you need this, going from 'arms' to 'outside' seems stronger, to me.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑Tue May 31, 2022 2:41 pmHi Eira,
improved, I think, but I'm not sure you've cracked S4 yet. Still not enough chair for me!
Hi Not, agree about St4 - changed again
Escaping the dreary mizzle ............ when would mizzle not be dreary?
Escaping the grey day's mizzle ?
I turn the front door key
into emptiness
Have changed the start which might solve the 'dreaery'
.......................................................feels like there should be something (a taking off of a coat, a putting on the light) between verses 1 and 2.
then step into her sitting room.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, chatter ................. chatter tinged isn't that pleasing (to say). Change to gossip
tinged with laughter.
She sits in their midst
cushioned on her velvet armchair -
a Queen on her throne. .................... seems to be more about her than the chair.
Her chair, twice recovered
wedding present ...
Now memories are packed into boxes, ........... does this need to be said quite so explicitly?
China ladies swim with glass fishes
in half a dozen cardboard boxes
grandparents smile from embossed albums. ?
I take her oils down from the walls,
I take down her last oils
age never did steal her talent / for all she lost it wasn't this ?
nodding to her talent, polish the sixties ......... not sure about 'nodding' but like 'polish the sixties'
stereogram until it gleams.
Slight change here
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries -
Her chair sits alone.
I take her place. It swallows me. ?
...
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch.........................not sure about 'trembling' (can an open mouth tremble?)
TV, we hear it blast out
Am still thinking on this
nerves gnawing – I wait with Dad
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms; ................Ah, I thought you'd sat down in S6 (so how 'plump up'?)
kiss goodbye as she fades away. ............ Don't think you need this, going from 'arms' to 'outside' seems stronger, to me.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
I've change round the lines in the last 2 stanzas to try something different
Thanks
Eira
Regards, Not
.
I've been having a good read through of your revision, Eira, and comparing it with the others. I had some thoughts for you.
Lia
These are just some thoughts I had, but please ignore anything that doesn't work for you. It's such a moving poem and very close to finished. It's lovely to read through it again this evening.The Old Armchair (revision 2)
Merging with mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
until I step into her parlour.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom .... for these first two stanzas, would you consider;
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into the past,
stand in her parlour
with gold velour draping the window bay,
as keepsakes scatter the gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
tinged with laughter.
In their midst is her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone.
Memories are packed away,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums. ... I think this stanza from another version is better because it's more personal;
I pack memories into boxes;
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Her talent paints the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths ... would you consider 'kisses'?
trembling, parents watch ...watching
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting ... as it's still the reverie, would you consider removing 'sat'. This would make it feel more like the present of past tense.
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I snuggle into time worn arms
while outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her
It’s only a chair love
and I kiss goodbye
as she fades away.
I think this from the previous version is the stronger close;
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
Lia
Lia wrote: ↑Sat Jun 04, 2022 10:44 pmI've been having a good read through of your revision, Eira, and comparing it with the others. I had some thoughts for you.
Grrrr!! just lost my reply so this will have to be a shortened version
So glad you called by with suggestions as I have been regretting some changes I made. Your opinion has cleared my mind
The Old Armchair (revision 2)
Merging with mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
until I step into her parlour.
Gold velour drapes the window bay,
keepsakes scatter any gloom .... for these first two stanzas, would you consider;
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into the past,
stand in her parlour
with gold velour draping the window bay,
as keepsakes scatter the gloom
I have used most of your suggestions-kept 'emptiness' though as I was trying to show how the house reflected N's empty feeling. However I also like your suggestion of 'the past' and have not dismissed the change.
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
tinged with laughter.
In their midst is her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone.
Memories are packed away,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums. ... I think this stanza from another version is better because it's more personal;
I agree and have changed back
I pack memories into boxes;
china ladies dance with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
Her talent paints the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
Her chair stands alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kissing on the sofa, open mouths ... would you consider 'kisses'?
trembling, parents watch ...watching
TV, we hear it blast out
nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Mam sat in her seat, waiting ... as it's still the reverie, would you consider removing 'sat'. This would make it feel more like the present of past tense.
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I snuggle into time worn arms
while outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her
It’s only a chair love
and I kiss goodbye
as she fades away.
I think this from the previous version is the stronger close;
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms;
kiss goodbye as she fades away.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her.
It’s only a chair love.
Yes, this is the part I felt I'd made a mistake changing-and have changed back .Thanks for the push
These are just some thoughts I had, but please ignore anything that doesn't work for you. It's such a moving poem and very close to finished. It's lovely to read through it again this evening.
So glad you called by - hope I don't lose this reply
Eira
Lia
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Eira,
much improved, though the reverie section still seems slightly off. Why isn't 'nerves' the start of a new sentence? Might there be another reverie you could add (so four in all?)
The main weakness, for me, is 'kiss goodbye as she fades away', kiss has been better used earlier in the piece (could you cut the line and end on a couplet?)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour drapes the window bay.
keepsakes scatter the growing gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
sweetened with laughter.
Now,it's silent
as the moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent paints the walls in oils - ............... not the best line.
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
And all the while her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone. ....................the same 'sofa' as later?
sits alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
worrying, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out. .................blast seems very harsh. ('captured by the technicolor'? Or perhaps the name of a program?)
Nervous, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late.
It’s starting to rain.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions, sigh
and snuggle into time-worn arms;
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear.
It’s only a chair love.
only a chair.
Regards, Not
.
much improved, though the reverie section still seems slightly off. Why isn't 'nerves' the start of a new sentence? Might there be another reverie you could add (so four in all?)
The main weakness, for me, is 'kiss goodbye as she fades away', kiss has been better used earlier in the piece (could you cut the line and end on a couplet?)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour drapes the window bay.
keepsakes scatter the growing gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
sweetened with laughter.
Now,it's silent
as the moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent paints the walls in oils - ............... not the best line.
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
And all the while her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone. ....................the same 'sofa' as later?
sits alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
worrying, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out. .................blast seems very harsh. ('captured by the technicolor'? Or perhaps the name of a program?)
Nervous, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late.
It’s starting to rain.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions, sigh
and snuggle into time-worn arms;
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear.
It’s only a chair love.
only a chair.
Regards, Not
.
NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑Sun Jun 05, 2022 11:36 amHi Eira,
much improved, though the reverie section still seems slightly off. Why isn't 'nerves' the start of a new sentence? Might there be another reverie you could add (so four in all?)
The main weakness, for me, is 'kiss goodbye as she fades away', kiss has been better used earlier in the piece (could you cut the line and end on a couplet?)
Hi Not
I have added another memory to the reveries.
I hadn't thought of the other line with 'kisses' in. I have no objection to a closing couplet, but am reluctant to delete that line, so I have substituted 'whisper' for 'kiss'
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour drapes the window bay.
keepsakes scatter the growing gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, gossip
sweetened with laughter.
Now,it's silent
as the moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I have been wondering whether to reintroduce this stanza - it fits quite well in this context
Her talent paints the walls in oils - ............... not the best line.
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams.
I pack memories into boxes,
china ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed albums.
And all the while her armchair –
reupholstered in olive brocade
its matching sofa long gone. ....................the same 'sofa' as later?
sits alone, dusty
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
worrying, parents watch
TV, we hear it blast out. .................blast seems very harsh. ('captured by the technicolor'? Or perhaps the name of a program?)
Have changed to 'blaring'
Nervous, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late.
It’s starting to rain.
Mam in her seat, waiting
for the doctor, bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions, sigh
and snuggle into time-worn arms;
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear.
It’s only a chair love.
only a chair.
Regards, Not
.Thanks again Not
Eira
I thought I'd pop in to tell you how well this is reading now, Eira. I saw one small thing about this part;
"Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear News at Ten blaring."
Would you consider,
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents in front of the TV,
the News at Ten blaring.
?
I can't see anything else. I hear the melancholy, and it reads so fluidly.
Lia
"Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear News at Ten blaring."
Would you consider,
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents in front of the TV,
the News at Ten blaring.
?
I can't see anything else. I hear the melancholy, and it reads so fluidly.
Lia
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Eira,
better for the revisions. The major gripe is still the 'oil paintings' line, it's very clunky. What did she paint?
You've 'cushioned' in the new reverie - like the verse, don't like the word when you're plumping scatter cushions a few verses later. (Also, 'scattering the gloom'/'scatter cushions'.)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour;
where gold velour drapes the window bay
keepsakes scattering the gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, their gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a/her silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent covers the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
its matching sofa long gone
the suite's sole survivor ?
now stands alone, dusty
(where is it, physically, in the room)
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear News at Ten blaring.......are the parents in a different room?
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep. ......maybe something else is happening in the room? Or someone else is there?
[husband's name] draws the curtains?
Mam in her seat, waiting .................. we know it's the chair by now, so any alternative to 'in her seat'? (What's she wearing?)
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades away.
outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her -
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
Hi Eira,
better for the revisions. The major gripe is still the 'oil paintings' line, it's very clunky. What did she paint?
You've 'cushioned' in the new reverie - like the verse, don't like the word when you're plumping scatter cushions a few verses later. (Also, 'scattering the gloom'/'scatter cushions'.)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour;
where gold velour drapes the window bay
keepsakes scattering the gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, their gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a/her silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent covers the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
its matching sofa long gone
the suite's sole survivor ?
now stands alone, dusty
(where is it, physically, in the room)
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear News at Ten blaring.......are the parents in a different room?
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep. ......maybe something else is happening in the room? Or someone else is there?
[husband's name] draws the curtains?
Mam in her seat, waiting .................. we know it's the chair by now, so any alternative to 'in her seat'? (What's she wearing?)
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades away.
outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her -
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑Tue Jun 14, 2022 6:07 pm.
Hi Eira,
Hi Not,
I'm back at last!
I have changed the paintings lines - hope it's better
better for the revisions. The major gripe is still the 'oil paintings' line, it's very clunky. What did she paint?
You've 'cushioned' in the new reverie - like the verse, don't like the word when you're plumping scatter cushions a few verses later. (Also, 'scattering the gloom'/'scatter cushions'.)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour;
where gold velour drapes the window bay
keepsakes scattering the gloom
and past guests brush by
for tea and cakes, their gossip
stirred with laughter.
Now a/her silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
Her talent covers the walls in oils -
I take them down, polish the sixties
stereogram until it gleams,
pack memories into boxes.
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smile in embossed
albums and still her armchair -
reupholstered in olive brocade,
its matching sofa long gone
the suite's sole survivor ?
now stands alone, dusty
(where is it, physically, in the room)
and frayed, swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
trembling, parents watch
TV, we hear News at Ten blaring.......are the parents in a different room?
Nerves gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Cushioned, I nursed my boys,
inhaling their baby scents,
while lulling them to sleep. ......maybe something else is happening in the room? Or someone else is there?
[husband's name] draws the curtains?
I've put 'I sing along .....' hoping this links in with the stereogram
Mam in her seat, waiting .................. we know it's the chair by now, so any alternative to 'in her seat'? (What's she wearing?)
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up scatter cushions,
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades away.
outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear her -
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
Thanks Not - I think I have addressed most of your sugestions.
Eira
.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Eira,
it's better, if not actually closer to completion
but, still perilously close.
One last push?
The Old Armchair (revision 4)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn her front door key
into emptiness -
step into the parlour,
gold velour draping the window bay;
keepsakes scatter any gloom ...................... (either draping/scattering or drapes/scatter?)
and past guests brush by ........................... maybe 'are brushing'?
for tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter -
silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I take down her much admired
water colours, pack memories
into boxes. China ladies swim
with glass fish, grandparents
smiling from embossed albums, then
I polish the sixties stereogram until it gleams,
and still her armchair - reupholstered
in olive brocade, the suite’s
sole survivor - stands by the window,
dusty, frayed, and swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
parents watching Bonanza
'turn it down',
the wedding car is late, Nerves
gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
and it’s started raining.
I nursed my boys, inhaling ....................... haven't been any smells prior to this.
baby scents, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
................................................................. might there be another verse here, it's quite a jump from babies to Mam?
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up crochet cushions, ............... aren't you already in the chair by this point ('swallowed')? I wonder if you might not be drinking tea in this line, putting your cup down before snuggling?
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear -
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
it's better, if not actually closer to completion
but, still perilously close.
One last push?
The Old Armchair (revision 4)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn her front door key
into emptiness -
step into the parlour,
gold velour draping the window bay;
keepsakes scatter any gloom ...................... (either draping/scattering or drapes/scatter?)
and past guests brush by ........................... maybe 'are brushing'?
for tea and cakes, gossip
stirred with laughter -
silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I take down her much admired
water colours, pack memories
into boxes. China ladies swim
with glass fish, grandparents
smiling from embossed albums, then
I polish the sixties stereogram until it gleams,
and still her armchair - reupholstered
in olive brocade, the suite’s
sole survivor - stands by the window,
dusty, frayed, and swallowing me
into reveries –
Kisses on the sofa, open mouths
parents watching Bonanza
'turn it down',
the wedding car is late, Nerves
gnawing, I hold Dad’s hand
and it’s started raining.
I nursed my boys, inhaling ....................... haven't been any smells prior to this.
baby scents, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
................................................................. might there be another verse here, it's quite a jump from babies to Mam?
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
I plump up crochet cushions, ............... aren't you already in the chair by this point ('swallowed')? I wonder if you might not be drinking tea in this line, putting your cup down before snuggling?
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades.
Outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear -
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
Hi Not,
It's a long time since I wrote my last revision and have only just posted it!
I think I have addressed most of your points - and included another stanza in the memories section ( I had deleted it at one time!)
Eira
It's a long time since I wrote my last revision and have only just posted it!
I think I have addressed most of your points - and included another stanza in the memories section ( I had deleted it at one time!)
Eira
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Welcome back, Eira, been too long.
I like the new verse(s), the Christmas scene and the final photograph.. Some (minor tweak-type) suggestions, below. The one element I do think is lacking is a bit more detail about the photograph N is looking at at the end. What makes it special? Was it the last one of her, does it show some marked change? But, sadly (!) that's about it. Good stuff.
(I did prefer the final act of packing up, in rev 4, to the 'time-worn arms'.)
Leaving the mizzle
I turn Mam’s front door key
into emptiness -
step into her parlour,
gold velour drapes the window bay;
keepsakes decorate the gloom
and past guests brush by,
a whirl of tea and cakes,
gossip stirred with laughter.
Now a silence overwhelms,
like that moment she mistook
a neighbour for Uncle Ray.
I pack memories into boxes:
China ladies swim with glass fish,
grandparents smiling
from embossed albums. Careful
not to make her adored water colours
run. I polish the sixties stereogram
til it gleams. And then her armchair,
reupholstered in olive brocade,
the suite’s sole survivor, standing
by the window, dusty
and frayed, swallows me
into – Kisses on the sofa,
open mouths trembling,
parents watch Bonanza
- volume turned up.
I squeeze Dad’s hand, nerves
- the wedding car is late
and it’s starting to rain.
Nursing my boys, I inhale
baby scents, hum along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’.
Stuffed on Boxing Days,
we gathered for a 'post parandial'.
before we play charades.
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down,
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
And here she is, taken last year,
..
...
snuggle into time-worn arms,
whisper goodbye as she fades -
outside the clouds open.
Releasing a deluge, I hear - .............. the 'her' is strongly implied.
It’s only a chair love.
Regards, Not
.
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3017
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I'm guessing that Mam was your mother, and this was the home of your parents. It also seems that your father died before your mother.
A question lingers in my mind as a curious reader: How empty is the house? Is it just empty because they are gone, or has most of the stuff been cleared out? I don't know why, but that nags at me. Obviously, I find out as the poem progresses that some things remain.
The italicized portion seems to be memories from the past, although the unitalicized portion has memories in it too. I wonder if the italicized portion could be divided up so that it is not one long block.
Nursing the babies is a memory from that house. To an American, though, "nursing" babies means breast-feeding them, which a father wouldn't do.
I assume the person who is telling you "it's only a chair love" is your spouse. Speaking about the chair, the chair is in the poem but the poem doesn't seem focussed on the chair.
So, even though you use italics as a cue, the mixing of present with past is a little disorienting for me. The memories in the italicized portion seem very random, which doesn't help. I have learned that the best poems are very focussed on their subject.
The "beloved watercolors" struck a chord with me because my mother had quite a collection of antique Japanese prints that she was very proud of. In the end, however, when she had dementia, she would wonder aloud who it was who collected so many lovely things. I guess there's a poem in that to be written.
A question lingers in my mind as a curious reader: How empty is the house? Is it just empty because they are gone, or has most of the stuff been cleared out? I don't know why, but that nags at me. Obviously, I find out as the poem progresses that some things remain.
The italicized portion seems to be memories from the past, although the unitalicized portion has memories in it too. I wonder if the italicized portion could be divided up so that it is not one long block.
Nursing the babies is a memory from that house. To an American, though, "nursing" babies means breast-feeding them, which a father wouldn't do.
I assume the person who is telling you "it's only a chair love" is your spouse. Speaking about the chair, the chair is in the poem but the poem doesn't seem focussed on the chair.
So, even though you use italics as a cue, the mixing of present with past is a little disorienting for me. The memories in the italicized portion seem very random, which doesn't help. I have learned that the best poems are very focussed on their subject.
The "beloved watercolors" struck a chord with me because my mother had quite a collection of antique Japanese prints that she was very proud of. In the end, however, when she had dementia, she would wonder aloud who it was who collected so many lovely things. I guess there's a poem in that to be written.
Last edited by CalebPerry on Tue Sep 13, 2022 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Eira.
What I think does stand out is the Boxing Day stanza. Cut it and the piece is improved. Other than that it's just minor stuff.
Like the punctuation in S4 (or lack thereof!)
Now, a silence overwhelms;
like that moment she ...
Or the somewhat egregious enjambment in S5
I take down her adored paintings,
pack water colour memories
into boxes. China ladies swimming
And the reverie section. The question I have is how old is N at 'kisses'?
into Seventeen and kissing
on the sofa, open mouths
trembling. Parents watch
Bonanza - volume turned up.
Dad squeezes my hand.
- the wedding car is running
late, and it’s started to rain.
Nursing my boys, I inhale
happiness, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’. ...... well, maybe a little bit of work here!
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down,
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
Other than that, I concur, closed!
Regards, Not
.
What I think does stand out is the Boxing Day stanza. Cut it and the piece is improved. Other than that it's just minor stuff.
Like the punctuation in S4 (or lack thereof!)
Now, a silence overwhelms;
like that moment she ...
Or the somewhat egregious enjambment in S5
I take down her adored paintings,
pack water colour memories
into boxes. China ladies swimming
And the reverie section. The question I have is how old is N at 'kisses'?
into Seventeen and kissing
on the sofa, open mouths
trembling. Parents watch
Bonanza - volume turned up.
Dad squeezes my hand.
- the wedding car is running
late, and it’s started to rain.
Nursing my boys, I inhale
happiness, humming along to
‘All I Have to do is Dream’. ...... well, maybe a little bit of work here!
Cardigan inside out, Mam waits
for the doctor, her bible upside down,
unsweetened tea half drunk and cold.
Other than that, I concur, closed!
Regards, Not
.