sepia hot

[ray miller]

the sky was sick
and foulness spilt
into our mouths
therefore we built

a huge balloon
in which to lift
and ascertain
what ailed it

to stifle coughs
and vomiting
to soothe the sky
with promises

that wind and sun
would by degrees
bring colour back
into its cheeks

above we sailed
our mission buoyed
by sponsorship
the fitful void

grew calmer when
emblazoned with
established brands
of beverage

and now the clouds
blow bubble froth
and each sun sets
sepia hot

[Macavity]

Enjoyed the trip Ray. Fanciful, dark humour, and not bland. Especially like the sponsorship part and brands. Nice link to the bubble froth, that cling to unreality, which is what this gov is.

with/beverage not hearing the rhyme?

Phil

[ton321]

but what does it mean?

[ray miller]

but what does it mean?

It's meant to be about greenwash.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed the trip Ray. Fanciful, dark humour, and not bland. Especially like the sponsorship part and brands. Nice link to the bubble froth, that cling to unreality, which is what this gov is.

with/beverage not hearing the rhyme?

Phil

Well, I pronounce the last part of beverage as ridge. It's the old Armitage saw. Anyway, there's a bit of an "i" rhyme.

[Lia]

Hello Ray,

I read this as a poem about the state of the world. I could see the marketing angle, but couldn't quite piece things together. I have a better understanding now you've said 'greenwash'. Would it be too overemphasised if this was the title? Just looking at the first two stanzas;

"the sky was sick
and foulness spilt
into our mouths
therefore we built"

I'm not sure of 'therefore'. I expected 'and so' ie:

the sky was sick
its foulness spilt
into our mouths
and so we built

... also, the sick/its seems to help set up for 'spilt'. The next stanza is a bit complicated;

"a huge balloon
in which to lift
and ascertain
what ailed it"

I think I understand that the balloon is lifting the 'we' so they can find out what's ailing the sky, but is there a way to make that clearer? I particularly enjoyed the wordplay of this and the last S,

"that wind and sun
would by degrees
bring colour back
into its cheeks"


Lia

[ray miller]

Thanks, Lia. Yeah, I've thought about calling it Greenwash. Probably will now. And yes, "and so" would be better.
I've also tried this

a huge balloon
in which to rise
and ascertain
what ailed the sky

Too much sky, though, I think.

[Lia]

Yep. It offers better clarity, but you're right that it's too much sky. Going back to lift/it, what about;

a huge balloon
to help us lift
and ascertain
what ailed it

Lia

[Ryder]

I like it

I like some of the alliteration which can be overdone in these concise poems

Good job

[ray miller]

Thankyou.