Poetry Forum

Posted: **Sat Aug 13, 2022 9:33 pm**

Triumphant (rev 6 trimmed back further)

fish mouth through lilies
in poplar arms crow nests rock;
a stealthy crane lands

Neb stabbing into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps its struggling body

and rises to rest among trees.
Caws explode - a thrash of black
and frenzied beaks

pursue the crane, lunge
at his snaking neck until
feathered flags unfurl

against sun’s glare;
arching into vivid blue
the clouds devour him.

------------------------------------

beginning was
hungry crane circles
poplar arms rock crow nests;
fish glide though lilies

--------------------------------
Triumphant (rev5)

a hungry crane nears
poplar arms rocking crow nests;
fish glide though lilies

Neb stabbing into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps its struggling body.

Rising to rest among trees
caws explode - pursued
by a thrash of black;

frenzied beaks lunge
at his snaking neck until -
feathered flags unfurl

against sun’s glare;
arching into vivid blue
the clouds devour him.

-------------------------------------------
Triumphant (rev 4)

Crows strut by the pond
their nests rock in poplar arms:
fish glide through lilies.

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps its struggling body.

Rising to rest among trees
sudden caws startle him,
pursued by a thrash of black;

frenzied beaks lunge at his
snaking neck until
he surrenders.

Feathered flags unfurl against
sun’s glare; arching into vivid blue
the clouds devour him.

------------------------------------------------
Triumphant (rev 3)

Crows strut across grass
their nests rock in poplar arms;
fish glide in lily-pads

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gobbles its writhing body - soars

to lounge among nearby trees.
An explosion of caws startle
pursued by a surge of thrashing

wings; frenzied beaks lunge towards
his snaking neck. Ineffective against
the angry mob - he surrenders.

Feathered drapes unfurl against
sun’s glare and arching into hazy blue
the clouds devour him.

------------------------------------
Triumphant (rev2)

Nests rock in poplar arms
while crows strut across the grass.
Fish glide among the lily-pads.

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps down its writhing body.

Rising to rest among the trees,
explosive shrieks startle him,
pursued by a thrash of black

wings and craze of beaks.
Surrendering, he retreats -
feathered drapes unfurl

against the sun’s glare;
arching into cerulean
the cumulous devour him.

--------------------------------------------

Triumphant (rev1)

Plunging into a sway of reeds
the crane snaps a carp
in his nib, gulps its writhing body
then soars toward the trees

where nests rock in poplar arms.
Crows shriek -- the crane retreats
pursued by a thrash of black
wings and craze of beaks.

The crane surrenders -
feathered drapes unfurl against
sun’s glare; arching into cerulean
the cumulous devour him.

Crows strut across the lawn;
fish glide among the lily-pads.

--------------------------------------------------
Triumphant

Reeds sway; a crane plunges,
snaps a carp in his nib,
gulps its struggling body,
then soars toward the trees.

Nests rock in poplar arms;
nearby, the crane circles.
Sudden shrieks startle him
as crows flap in rapid pursuit.

He rests on a spruce’s bough,
but crows attack again:
piercing shrill
a craze of beaks,
thrashing wings.

He surrenders, dazed;
feathered drapes unfurl
against sun’s glare.
Arching into the blue,
clouds devour him.

Contentedly,
crows strut across the lawn;
fish glide freely among the lily-pads.

Posted: **Sun Aug 14, 2022 8:22 am**

So beautifully done, Eira. I enjoy this close capture of the crane and crows, and the battle for territory. And while the crows might be triumphant, so is the crane with that tummy full of carp!

I particularly like S1, S4 and S5. This is simply lovely,

"He surrenders, dazed;
feathered drapes unfurl
against sun’s glare.
Arching into the blue,
clouds devour him."

I do have a few edits for you, but please ignore them if they don't fit with your own thinking:

Nests rock in poplar arms;
nearby, the crane circles. ...nearby is already understood, and it's nice to go straight into the detail of the crane circling.
Sudden shrieks startle him ...I feel that startle is enough to show that the shrieks are sudden.
as crows flap in rapid pursuit. ...you could lose 'rapid' here, as flap/pursuit explains well enough.

He rests on a spruce’s bough, ...would you consider 'in'?
but crows attack again:
piercing shrill
a craze of beaks,
thrashing wings. ...I'd be tempted to add 'and' before thrashing.

He surrenders, dazed; … this line might be more powerful without 'dazed'
feathered drapes unfurl
against sun’s glare.
Arching into the blue,
clouds devour him.

Contentedly, …. I feel that 'strut' does enough work in this stanza.
crows strut across the lawn;
fish glide freely among the lily-pads.

A lovely poem. I'll be reading it again several times yet!

Lia

Posted: **Sun Aug 14, 2022 12:26 pm**

Hi Eira,
like the start, like the end, but the in-between doesn't feel kinetic enough. It's a bit too sedate and over explained.

the crane plunges, snaps
a carp in his nib, gulps
the body's struggles, then
climbs toward the trees.
Reeds sway; Nests rock

in poplar arms a shriek
of crows, the crane
withdraws pursued
the black thrash of wings
a craze of beaks,

the crane surrenders
feathered drapes unfurl
against sun’s glare.
Arching into the blue,
white clouds devour him.

Regards, Not

.

Posted: **Sun Aug 14, 2022 5:20 pm**

Arching into the blue,
clouds devour him.

I think that's a great image, good lines to finish on really.
3rd stanza is a bit pedestrian, perhaps.
Just occurred to me that the carp has something to carp about and the crows something to crow about.

Posted: **Wed Aug 17, 2022 2:20 am**

Hi Eira,

This reads smoothly as narrative, but there's something missing I can't quite put my finger on. I think, for one, despite the kinesis of events there's a proliferation of end-stopped lines. Generally, kinetic movement likes the dynamism of enjambment. You don't want to overdo it, but in poems like this I think it's underdone, with "feathered drapes unfurl" being the only obvious enjambment. Sometimes saving enjambment for a key line to set it apart from an end-stopped poem is a very effective rhetorical device, but here I think it's working against what the content of the poem is saying.

Thematically, I feel like one could read various allegories into this; like how the predator of the bird becomes a kind of prey itself, that however much he may seem dominant over the fish, s/he must still struggle for territory against other birds, and how the fish, despite being subject to death via the natural food chain, are comparatively freer. Still, I'm tempted to say that the abundance of details (the various trees, S4 with its 5 lines to essentially say "he gives up and flies away") fight against that. To go back to S4, I think the strongest thing there is "clouds devour him," which brings us back full circle to when s/he devoured the fish, and connects nicely to the theme of freedom in the closing tercet. So I think the poem could use with some trimming and a more precise focus on the bits that feed (npi) into the themes and perhaps resonate with other elements in the poem. To me, you have a lot of strong images here, but I've always felt images were strongest when the ideas behind the images resonated with other elements in the poem.

Posted: **Mon Aug 22, 2022 7:23 am**

My issue with the poem is that the language isn't particularly beautiful. It has a staccato quality which I don't love. The poem also doesn't draw strong images, which may be a result of the minimalist language.

Part of my problem may be that nature poems don't move me much. The activities of animals don't mean much to me. Frost was supposedly a nature poet, but really he wasn't. A lot of his poems are set in nature, but they always have a central point having to do with something else. A poem which is just about nature is something I can't relate to my life.

Posted: **Mon Sep 12, 2022 9:44 pm**

Thank you Lia, your suggestions were spot on and I have considered them for my revision.
I seem to have been absent awhile again - life just keeps taking over.

Eira

Posted: **Mon Sep 12, 2022 9:47 pm**

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑
Sun Aug 14, 2022 12:26 pm
Hi Eira,
like the start, like the end, but the in-between doesn't feel kinetic enough. It's a bit too sedate and over explained.

Thanks Not - I agree with your comments. Rev 1 is up.

Eira

Posted: **Mon Sep 12, 2022 9:53 pm**

ray miller wrote: ↑
Sun Aug 14, 2022 5:20 pm
Arching into the blue,
clouds devour him.

I think that's a great image, good lines to finish on really.
3rd stanza is a bit pedestrian, perhaps.

Thanks for your comments, Ray. I agree about Stanza 3.

Just occurred to me that the carp has something to carp about and the crows something to crow about.

Posted: **Mon Sep 12, 2022 10:03 pm**

Thank you, JJ, you gave me much to think about. I have just posted rev 1 and hope it is an improvement,

Eira

Posted: **Mon Sep 12, 2022 10:09 pm**

CalebPerry wrote: ↑
Mon Aug 22, 2022 7:23 am
My issue with the poem is that the language isn't particularly beautiful. It has a staccato quality which I don't love. The poem also doesn't draw strong images, which may be a result of the minimalist language.

Part of my problem may be that nature poems don't move me much. The activities of animals don't mean much to me. Frost was supposedly a nature poet, but really he wasn't. A lot of his poems are set in nature, but they always have a central point having to do with something else. A poem which is just about nature is something I can't relate to my life.

Sorry you can't relate to this Caleb. I have always loved nature poems and animal poems. We're all different. Perhaps my next poem will interest you more.
Eira

Posted: **Tue Sep 13, 2022 10:59 am**

Hi Eira,
slacking again? Tut, tut.

Still not feeling this one. I'd like a bit more of a description of the crane in S1 (is the plunging its head/neck or the whole bird from the sky?) and something to fill in the gap between 'pursued' (S2) and 'surrenders' (S3).

One thought

Dipping into a sway of reeds ................. I like 'sway', but nib leads to ink leads to pot?
the long nib of a crane snaps
a carp, gulps its writhing body
then soars toward the trees ................. anything more descriptive than 'soars'?

where territorial crows shriek
-- the crane retreats pursued
by a splash of black a craze
of beaks. And in the poplar trees

silence. The ... ?

(Be nice if you could develop the 'nib'/pen idea throughout.)

Regards, Not

.

Posted: **Tue Sep 13, 2022 9:03 pm**

Having said that I don't like pure nature poems, I nonetheless think the revision is an improvement. Overall, it reads better.

Posted: **Fri Sep 30, 2022 11:28 pm**

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 13, 2022 10:59 am

(Be nice if you could develop the 'nib'/pen idea throughout.

Hi Not,

I'm not feeling developing the nib/pen idea.

I've changed nib to neb (means the same)

I've also experimented by starting with the ending in italics.

Eira

Posted: **Fri Sep 30, 2022 11:32 pm**

CalebPerry wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 13, 2022 9:03 pm
Having said that I don't like pure nature poems, I nonetheless think the revision is an improvement. Overall, it reads better.

Thanks Caleb,

I've worked on another revision, hoping this is another improvement.

Eira

Posted: **Sat Oct 01, 2022 11:10 am**

.
Hi Eira,
like the revision, the repositioning of the final verse works (though it looks like it wants to be a haiku!).
(I don't think it's clear that the nests are the crows rather than the crane's, their rocking could be taken as a sign of agitation at the presence of crows.)

Not keen on cerulean (or cumulous), the simplicity of blue (and clouds) was better, I think.

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
bolts its writhing body. Rises ................. wouldn't mind a bit more of a description of how the crane rises.

to rest among the poplar trees,
explosive shrieks startle him, ................ too telling not enough showing, for me
pursued by a thrash of black

wings and craze of beaks. .....................anything more 'audible' than 'craze'?
Surrendering, he retreats -.................... I think the action's over too swiftly, maybe describe the crane being mobbed?
feathered drapes unfurl

against the sun’s glare.
Arching into blue
white clouds devour him.

Regards, Not

.

Posted: **Tue Oct 11, 2022 12:06 am**

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑
Sat Oct 01, 2022 11:10 am
.
Hi Eira,
like the revision, the repositioning of the final verse works (though it looks like it wants to be a haiku!).
(I don't think it's clear that the nests are the crows rather than the crane's, their rocking could be taken as a sign of agitation at the presence of crows.)

Not keen on cerulean (or cumulous), the simplicity of blue (and clouds) was better, I think.

Hi Not,

I like your idea of making the 1st 3 lines into a haiku. I've attempted this but it's not a true haiku as it hasn't got an 'aha' moment.

I wasn't sure about the cerulean/cumulous change either, so I've changed back in this revision.

Eira

Posted: **Tue Oct 11, 2022 9:19 am**

I haven't read the reasons for the revisions Eira, but 'clouds devour him' is great. The mob against the individual is something I see in nature (crows can been aggressive against birds of prey), so I can believe the attack on the heron. neb is a lovely word.

Enjoyed

Phil

Posted: **Tue Oct 11, 2022 12:01 pm**

Hi Eira.

I like your idea of making the 1st 3 lines into a haiku. I've attempted this but it's not a true haiku as it hasn't got an 'aha' moment.
Perhaps not, but it's getting there, I think.
I wondered about starting
In the Spring crows strut
fledglings rock in poplar arms;

but couldn't find an 'aha' either!

(I wonder if the carp might be hungry? Or, maybe you need to start with it?)

gobbles its writhing body - soars ................... maybe 'gulps its gleaming' for 'gobbles its writhing'?
Isn't the crane taking off here, so how 'soars'?

Just a thought ...

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps its gleaming body - climbs

on slow wings towards the trees.
Caws explode - the wheeling crane
turns his snaking neck

towards the sun. pursued
by a surge, a thrash of black.
Outnumbered by the mob

- the crane unfurls
two white flags
arching into brilliant blue.

the clouds devour him.

Regards, Not

.

Posted: **Fri Oct 14, 2022 7:01 pm**

Hello Eira,

I like the idea of starting with a haiku. As a suggestion for the third line;

fish glide through lilies

I think it might be a shame to lose the lovely clipped lines of other versions that contained more of the East Asian aesthetic. This is only an amalgamation of different versions to inspire other thoughts. Maybe something here might be useful;

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps down its writhing body.

Rising to rest among the trees,
shrieks startle him; pursued
by a thrash of black and beaks.

Surrendering, feathered drapes
unfurl against the sun’s glare; arching
into hazy blue, clouds devour him.

It does seem to me 'beaks' needs a descriptor. A graze? A stab? In any case, see what you think. It's a lovely poem.

Lia

Posted: **Thu Oct 20, 2022 9:50 pm**

Macavity wrote: ↑
Tue Oct 11, 2022 9:19 am
I haven't read the reasons for the revisions Eira, but 'clouds devour him' is great. The mob against the individual is something I see in nature (crows can been aggressive against birds of prey), so I can believe the attack on the heron. neb is a lovely word.

Enjoyed

Phil

Thanks Phil
I changed back to 'clouds devour him' as I felt it sounded much better. I am beginning to realise how aggressive crows can be - we have many come into our garden. This poem is about an attack I witnessed.

Eira

Posted: **Thu Oct 20, 2022 9:57 pm**

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑
Tue Oct 11, 2022 12:01 pm
Hi Eira.

I like your idea of making the 1st 3 lines into a haiku. I've attempted this but it's not a true haiku as it hasn't got an 'aha' moment.
Perhaps not, but it's getting there, I think.
I wondered about starting
In the Spring crows strut
fledglings rock in poplar arms;

From what I remember - it's better not to mention the season by name but hint at it by something that happens in that season.

I'm quite happy that it's not a conventional Haiku - it is in the style of haiku.

but couldn't find an 'aha' either!
(I wonder if the carp might be hungry? Or, maybe you need to start with it?)

gobbles its writhing body - soars ................... maybe 'gulps its gleaming' for 'gobbles its writhing'?
Isn't the crane taking off here, so how 'soars'?

Just a thought ...

Stabbing his neb into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp,
gulps its gleaming body - climbs

on slow wings towards the trees.
Caws explode - the wheeling crane
turns his snaking neck

towards the sun. pursued
by a surge, a thrash of black.
Outnumbered by the mob

- the crane unfurls
two white flags
arching into brilliant blue.

the clouds devour him.

I've gone back to some of my earlier words in this revision, as I feel they sound better eg. gulps 'its struggling body'

Regards, Not

.

Posted: **Thu Oct 20, 2022 10:13 pm**

Lia wrote: ↑
Fri Oct 14, 2022 7:01 pm
Hello Eira, Hello Lia

I like the idea of starting with a haiku. As a suggestion for the third line;

fish glide through lilies

Yes! that is better - I have changed it

I think it might be a shame to lose the lovely clipped lines of other versions that contained more of the East Asian aesthetic. This is only an amalgamation of different versions to inspire other thoughts. Maybe something here might be useful;

I think we might be thinking along the same lines, Lia as I have just gone back to some of my earlier lines, I was perhaps adding too much.

Thanks for giving me something to consider - always good to hear from you.

Eira

Posted: **Fri Oct 21, 2022 12:39 am**

Greetings!

I like the idea of haiku that could stand individually, but also make sense together. In addition to other pleasant effects, it has the feeling of a paneled story. But more than that, several haiku laid one after the next like this works well, since any object selected from nature for a haiku has been selected out of all nature, any part of which, could presumably be a subject for haiku. If I were to nitpick -- I mean super nitty -- I'd recontemplate the word "startled" since it's an interpretation of an action and not just the sensory experience of the object itself. But as I said, that's super-duper nitty, so FWIW. I don't see forms like this often, nor do I see form-as-a-carrier-of-the-message, so bravo! That's something I love.

Posted: **Fri Oct 21, 2022 12:48 pm**

Hi Eira,
a step in the right direction, I think. But I wonder if you need the 'surrenders' element (given that's what the unfurling flags mean)?

fish glide among lilies.
crow nests rock in poplar arms:
the crane is hungry

Neb stabbing into a sway
of reeds, the crane snaps a carp
gulps the struggling body.

Sudden caws, a thrash
of black, and from the poplar
a paroxysm of crows

White feathered flags
unfurl. Arching into the blue
the clouds devour him.

Regards, Not

.

Poetry Forum

Triumphant (rev 6)

Triumphant (rev 6)

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant (rev 1)

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant (rev 1)

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant (rev 1)

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant (rev 1)

Re: Triumphant

Re: Triumphant (rev 2)

Re: Triumphant (rev 2)

Re: Triumphant (rev 3)

Re: Triumphant (rev 3)

Re: Triumphant (rev 3)

Re: Triumphant (rev 3)

Re: Triumphant (rev 3)

Re: Triumphant (rev 3)

Re: Triumphant (rev 4)

Re: Triumphant (rev 4)