Salad Days (rev 2)

[capricorn]

Salad Days (rev 2)

My boy lingers concealed within
a man, who wears different masks
for each of life's dressings.

Peering at pulled threads in his wrap
I don’t relish to see him
nurse growing pains.

I anoint his contusions, before
he departs, carrying a slice of me
in his shirt pocket.

-------------------------------------
Salad Days (rev 1)

My boy lingers concealed within
a man, who wears different masks
for each of life's dressings.

I peer through worn threads
in his costume and smart
to see him nurse growing pains.

I anoint his contusions, before
he departs, carrying a slice of me
in his shirt pocket.

-----------------------------------------
Salad Days

Wearing different masks
for each of life's compartments,
my boy lingers, concealed
within a man.

Sometimes I peek through
chinks in his masquerade.
My maternal psyche smarts
to witness him
nursing growing pains.

I anoint his contusions,
before he departs,
carrying a slice of me
in his shirt pocket.

[ray miller]

Off to Uni? I like the last stanza best. mask/masquerade is a bit too close, maybe "performance" instead of the latter?

nursing growing pains. - that's the weakest line, perhaps you need some specific instance.

[Lia]

This is lovely, Eira.

The opening stanza is tight and perfectly timed, unexpected, too. As is the last stanza though perhaps you would consider;

I anoint his contusions,
before he departs,
carrying a slice of me
in the pocket of his shirt.

The reason is the timing and the slight rhyme with departs/shirt. Also because it's a cleaner, stronger end word. I also notice the 'p' in 'departs' picks out the 'p' in 'pocket' more concisely.

S2 is weak compared to the others. 'Sometimes' is hesitant when the rest of the language in the poem is certain. 'Peek' is also a little bit meek or slightly humorous. 'Peer' might be more useful? Just as a suggestion you could start with;

I peer through

or

Peering through

I also wonder about 'chinks'. It might be a bit overused and I think you could find a better word to fit with 'masquerade' instead of alluding to 'armour'. It might be 'loose threads' for instance, or 'holes'.

"My maternal psyche smarts
to witness him
nursing growing pains."

I think there might be a stronger way to say the same thing. Hmmm ... The mother in me/His mother in me finds/uncovers... Well, see what you think. And please ignore anything that doesn't suit you.

Lia

[Basnik]

I like the theme but this iteration raises quite a few questions. If he has a mask for each compartment, is he wearing one for you? If the boy is in the man, can we see the mask? Is the boy wearing a mask inside the man or is being a man the mask? I think the visual imagery is tricky here. The idea of the mask is so common that without something specific or particular it can feel a bit generic.

In the second stanza, is the masquerade the mask? Or he performing in a masquerade? They aren't quite the same thing. I think 'maternal psyche smarts' is a different register from the first stanza and feels slightly odd.

In the third stanza I wonder how the anointing can turn into a slice. I know this sounds like I'm trivialising this, but I am just trying to go with the imagery. The 'slice of me' reminded me of toast, which is unfortunate, and probably just me and the fact it's getting near lunchtime.

I really like the sense of balance in your lines. The three-stress lines, especially, have a beautiful poise to them and there is a delicacy and feeling here that has come through. I just think that the clarity of the imagery is a little confused and some of the phrasing off key at times.

Hope you don't mind if I've been over critical - I do think there is something poignant running behind this.

Best,
Rich

[capricorn]

Off to Uni? I like the last stanza best. mask/masquerade is a bit too close, maybe "performance" instead of the latter?

nursing growing pains. - that's the weakest line, perhaps you need some specific instance.

Yes, off to Uni, Ray - although this was written about 20 years ago. Thought I'd get it out of the drawer.

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Lia,

Thanks for calling by and offering your very astute suggestions. I am late answering as I've been concentrating on 'Triumphant' but I've had some time to concentrate on this now and will be working on it.

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Rich,

Sorry to be so late answering (reason given above). Thank you for your comments

I like the theme but this iteration raises quite a few questions. If he has a mask for each compartment, is he wearing one for you? If the boy is in the man, can we see the mask? Is the boy wearing a mask inside the man or is being a man the mask? I think the visual imagery is tricky here. The idea of the mask is so common that without something specific or particular it can feel a bit generic.

I hope I have made st 1 a bit clearer in revision 1

In the second stanza, is the masquerade the mask? Or he performing in a masquerade? They aren't quite the same thing. I think 'maternal psyche smarts' is a different register from the first stanza and feels slightly odd.

Again, I hope revision has made st 2 easier to read. 'maternal psyche smarts' is just a development from St 1

In the third stanza I wonder how the anointing can turn into a slice. I know this sounds like I'm trivialising this, but I am just trying to go with the imagery. The 'slice of me' reminded me of toast, which is unfortunate, and probably just me and the fact it's getting near lunchtime.

Anointing certainly doesn't turn into a slice - the 'slice of me' is completely metaphoric

I really like the sense of balance in your lines. The three-stress lines, especially, have a beautiful poise to them and there is a delicacy and feeling here that has come through. I just think that the clarity of the imagery is a little confused and some of the phrasing off key at times.

I hope rev 1 has improved the clarity

Hope you don't mind if I've been over critical - I do think there is something poignant running behind this.

I take all critique seriously - it's good to get something to get my teeth into
Thank you
Eira

Best,
Rich

[CalebPerry]

Salad Days (rev 1)

My boy lingers within a man,
who wears different masks
for each of life's dressings.

I peer through worn threads
in his costume and smart
to see him nurse growing pains.

I anoint his contusions, before
he departs, carrying a slice of me
in his shirt pocket.

-----------------------------------------
Salad Days

Wearing different masks
for each of life's compartments,
my boy lingers, concealed
within a man.

Sometimes I peek through
chinks in his masquerade.
My maternal psyche smarts
to witness him
nursing growing pains.

I anoint his contusions,
before he departs,
carrying a slice of me
in his shirt pocket.

I much prefer the original. In the revised version, it sounds like you are writing about yourself as if you were a boy/man. But in the original, that is all made clear (that you are writing about your son). If I were to write a poem starting "My boy", I would be speaking about my inner boy, and it sounds like that is what you are doing in the second version. Especially since your first name can be confused with Ira, some readers may draw that conclusion.

In my view, the first version is a lovely lyrical poem written concisely, and the second version is minimalism run amok. The second version says TOO LITTLE, and much of the lyricism is gone.

[ray miller]

I think the boy concealed within a man is better. Worn threads doesn't seem fitting for one so young.

[dkemper314]

A poignant recollection! A clever extended metaphor. It took me a second read to fully process the different dressings -- I got the salad part, but took me a moment -- returning from a successful interview basically and climbing out of my monkey suit, heh... then I got the dressings part.

I wanted a bit more of the extended metaphor in the second stanza, but certainly, the "slice of me/in his shirt pocket" is killer. Looking forward to more.

[capricorn]

I much prefer the original. In the revised version, it sounds like you are writing about yourself as if you were a boy/man. But in the original, that is all made clear (that you are writing about your son). If I were to write a poem starting "My boy", I would be speaking about my inner boy, and it sounds like that is what you are doing in the second version. Especially since your first name can be confused with Ira, some readers may draw that conclusion.

In my view, the first version is a lovely lyrical poem written concisely, and the second version is minimalism run amok. The second version says TOO LITTLE, and much of the lyricism is gone.

Thanks for giving your opinion here, Caleb. I made the changes as Basnik suggested that the original was unclear, so I tried to write it more simply. Btw - I do also say, 'my boy' in the original.

Anyway, this is a work in progress and I'll possibly do many revisions before I am happy with it.

Eira

[capricorn]

I think the boy concealed within a man is better. Worn threads doesn't seem fitting for one so young.

You're right about 'concealed', Ray and I've added that back. I also agree that 'worn threads' doesn't fit some one young - am thinking for an alternative on that one.

Thanks
Eira

[capricorn]

A poignant recollection! A clever extended metaphor. It took me a second read to fully process the different dressings -- I got the salad part, but took me a moment -- returning from a successful interview basically and climbing out of my monkey suit, heh... then I got the dressings part.

Glad you got the 'dressings' part as I changed it from 'compartments' in the original.

I wanted a bit more of the extended metaphor in the second stanza,

Yes. I'm struggling a bit with the second stanza at the moment!

but certainly, the "slice of me/in his shirt pocket" is killer. Looking forward to more.

So pleased to hear that

Eira
[/quote]

[capricorn]

I've tried to revise the second stanza using more of the extended metaphor. Don't know if it works though.

Eira