Poetry Forum

Enlightenment is christened
by the blackbird’s humble prayer
and my dark heart is beseeched.

Saint Francis should have listened
to the humming of the air;
instead of which, he preached.

My body is imprisoned
by these walls of weep and care
the blackbird’s song has breached.

Neatly constructed, nice sonics Ray. Yes, bird song does have that 'blessed Hope'.

Enjoyed

Phil

Thanks, Phil.

There's definitely a sophisticated rhythm going on and the theme of nature's wisdom surpassing man's words is clear, if ironic, since these are words. There's a productive ambiguity - is the bird communicating God or lack-of-God? That is: Does the poem assert that nature's all there is and that is wisdom to know? Or does it assert that nature is a better preacher [of God and His creation] than any person could be? Though of course, the title fixes the nihilism of Buddhism as the claim here. {I disagree but feel free clap back at me if my disagreement bleeds into the technical critique.}

Back to irony of the words: All forms of Buddhism seem to have a touch of Zen this way, so the paradox is certainly not harmful to the poem.

The meter flows very nicely despite substitutions in L3 and L4. (My personal taste is to work them out into regular meter with the rest of the poem.) I'm a little iffy on 'is + ing" verbs being so predominant. It makes sense for the prison line L7, but not for enlightenment L1.

I have to say also, that on a second read, the irony of enlightenment being *CHRIST*ened is an interesting layer as well. Definitely worth a walk and a cup of tea. Of course, it curtly sets the subject as enlightenment and not salvation.

beseeched: who has earnestly requested something of your heart? The blackbird? I can somewhat see the link, but I think it's too stretched. The link might be a pathetic fallacy of the blackbird desiring to enlighten the speaker, supported by the connection of black and dark. That little connection, black and dark, by the way, all by itself is a terrific touch. Just terrific. But I'm not sure "beseeched" accomplishes what it needs to accomplish, here. It almost seems like you heard "besieged." Almost. I think beseeched is right with its Christian connotations but needs smoothing in its use.

I'm not sure about the use of "preached" twice. I get the deliberate parallel. But I think the tone on preached infects the better-communicated message (in means and subject) of the blackbird. It might be awkward, but maybe fit to the Buddhist idea, "the blackbird's song un-preached"?

Technical nit: the body is not imprisoned by the body, which seems to be the message of "walls of weep and care," nor is the body imprisoned by the mind, if that's the way to read it. It's the other way around, right? [My person/It's me who is imprisoned/But here I am, imprisoned/Am I always imprisoned] Not great suggestions, but I don't like to crit without rolling up my sleeves alongside the poet.

Also, while I want "weep" with its wonderful alliterations, "weep" won't work. The alliteration, IMO, doesn't save it from whatever "tears" might be vulnerable to.

walls of weeping care walls of joy's despair by these weeping walls of care

Finally, I think the poem could reach an even better height, if the comment on St. Francis were more indirect and avoided the word "should." Not sure I've ever heard/read a Buddhist use that word.

Hope this comes across as helpful and engaged in detail, but not bitchy. There's a lot of good stuff going on at a very high level here.

Daniel

An interesting rhyme scheme, Ray, does this form have a name?

Enjoyed the read
Eira

Thanks, Eira. I've probably seen this rhyme scheme somewhere but no idea what it's called.

Thanks, Daniel. That's a big critique for a small poem. The perspective isn't exclusive to Buddhism, though I guess the title might indicate otherwise. It's more of a personal acknowledgement that I pay too much attention to words, just like St Francis.
One can feel oneself beseeched, I think, though it may be indirectly or unconsciously.
I haven't used "preached" twice, it's "breached" in the final line.
The use of "body" is problematic, yes. I guess I'm avoiding the word "soul" as I try to do on all occasions.
Anyway, thanks, I'm pushed for time, I'll get back to it.

As others mentioned, the poems seems very neat and well-thought. Having said that, I would not have guessed what the poem is about if it wasn't for the title and the second stanza. The second stanza definitely made it for me.

I wasn't a great fan of the body being imprisoned by walls just because this image came across as a bit cliche. Overall, i enjoyed the poem!

Thanks, littlebird. Now I look at it again I feel I probably don't need the last verse.