Poetry Forum

A genuflection
to varnished wood
engrained with the blood
of arrested desire

the urge to spit

surreptitious lips
blessing white linen
dust writhes and twists
teased by a pillar of fire

walking the bridge

from pews to pulpit
I resurrected
Old Testament venom
scoring a hit

on Our Holy Father

still hearing the hiss
of repercussion ever since
the ghost of it lit
nails in a broken fist

as fixed as stigmata

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Hi ray,
enjoyed the innocuous title.

L8 - aren't writhes and twists the same thing?

L10 - where is the bridge? Simply curious.

L18 - how are nails 'lit'?

L20 - are stigmata fixed, I thought they came and went. Or is that the point?


Regards, Not

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There were some parts of this poem I was a bit confused by, e.g. the bridge. Not really sure what you meant by that? Seems very personal and situation-specific. I loved
"surreptitious lips
blessing white linen
dust writhes and twists
teased by a pillar of fire"

along with the last stanza and the line about spitting. They perfectly depict the experience of Sunday Schools... Good job!

Thanks, Not.

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 08, 2022 4:37 pm

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Hi ray,
enjoyed the innocuous title.

L8 - aren't writhes and twists the same thing?

L10 - where is the bridge? Simply curious.

L18 - how are nails 'lit'?

L20 - are stigmata fixed, I thought they came and went. Or is that the point?


Regards, Not

.

You can do The Twist but not The Writhe.
The bridge is from the pews to the pulpit. It's not a real bridge.
I'm meaning "lit" in the sense of evoked.
Do stigmata come and go? Well, I know some do, but all of them? I must check.

Thanks, littlebird. I should probably rethink the bridge line.

Much to like here, Ray - and I like your imaginary bridge too

Eira

A genuflection
to varnished wood
engrained with the blood
of arrested desire

--> Not a fan of non-sentence poetry.
--> Why only varnished wood? Too much left unspoken. Why the hatred in the speaker?

the urge to spit

--> I have felt and acted on this kind of feeling, with worse bodily functions for certain religions/religious figures. Not my best look, though. Heh. Just sayin' so you don't think my critique a goody-goody one.

--> The "arrested desire" does begin to get at a reason for the hatred, almost..."

--> There might be another hint in the lips. "Dust" caught me off guard. Seems off-tone, somehow.

--> teased by a pillar of fire ... not getting the connection/use in the poem. "Pillar" is vaguely phallic, and desire would then begin to create a background of clerical sexual abuse, but not the teased part... And tenuous conclusions in any case.

--> walking the bridge -- Why not just kill the bridge and leave it just "walking" ? The sparsity and enjambment should carry the feeling of bridging/empty space/weirdness between pews and pulpit. I think -?

Old Testament venom I might go, "Absolom's venom" if wanting to keep near the sexual abuse theme. He killed his half-brother Amnon for raping his full sister, Tamar.


still hearing the hiss
of repercussion ever since --> I mean, what would the speaker expect? Seems a little facile and victim-y to me. But, if there's better elaboration on an unspeakable reason, not just I hate this church stuff, then perhaps this flies.

"Fixed" need not connote permanency. It can just mean set in place. When we fix a picture on a wall, we *assume* its permanency, but that's far from asserting it. And therefore, whether it comes or goes is not the point. For me, "fixed" works just fine.