My Day in Hell

[CalebPerry]

My Day in Hell

I woke one morning all aflame,

not knowing who I was;

not knowing who I was, I found

I was in pain in pain.

In vain I found I was in pain,

all aflame, all in pain;

the fire danced and jumped and played

around my hurting frame.

Around my aching frame they played,

the flames, without a pause,

and laughed and snickered when I asked

them who I was I was.

I turned unto the cave's black walls

and asked them who I was.

I asked them why I suffered so;

I asked them for the cause.

I turned unto the Devil red,

my bleeding wounds I bared;

I asked him please to bring an end —

there was no devil there.

There was no devil standing there,

no devil there to scorn;

the smoke that twirled and twisted up

could only nod forlorn;

could only nod forlorn, the smoke

that twisted from the flames

that danced and played and laughed and stayed

and caused me pain me pain.

~end~

It appears I never posted this poem on this forum. This is an iconic poem for me, as it is allegorical of my life. It's a very intimate poem. I'm not looking for critiques, as it is unlikely I would change it. Mainly, I just wanted to show John something that I had written when I was very depressed. However, comments are welcome.

[jisbell00]

Thank you for sharing, Caleb - that does sound depressed!
I like the repetitions. The whole thing is somewhat hypnotic.

Cheers,
John

[Macavity]

The form definitely binds the reader into the intensity of your experience Caleb. As John days, it has an hypnotic effect.

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, Phil. I considered the poem to be so odd that I wouldn't show it to anyone, or post it in any forum, for years and years. It still represents my most basic feelings about life.

(John, I should have thanked you too in this post. I don't know why I didn't.)

[Macavity]

I really like it Caleb. Of course, we all have our preferences in reading. A publication that may be interested if you wish to share ...

https://borderlessjournal.com/submission-guidelines/

best

Phil

[CalebPerry]

I just came up from a nap.

Thanks for that recommendation, Phil. Although I don't have M.S. Word on my computer, I can manage submitting in Word format, but I don't have any good pictures of myself. (Is there such a thing as a good picture of me at 72? I don't think so.) However, I'll see what I can do.

I'm surprised that they are printing everything in a monospaced font. I find that very hard to read.

[capricorn]

I like this one Caleb. I'm not a fan of repeats, but they work really well here.

When I started writing poetry, I found a forum where everyone wrote about feelings, depression, angst, problems etc. There was no critique, just understanding comments. It was great.
Later, I moved onto a critique forum, but my first experience of sharing was a good one
and I made lots of friends.

Eira

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, Eira. I'm glad you like it.

Repetition can be very effective. It depends on the poem.

I'm glad you had that earlier experience. Although in my heart of hearts I want to receive only praise, critiques do more to help me refine my poems.

[capricorn]

I'm glad you had that earlier experience. Although in my heart of hearts I want to receive only praise, critiques do more to help me refine my poems.

I do agree Caleb and I eventually realised that I needed to refine my poems, so I took most of them to another forum to do that. I think my earlier experience just gave me the courage to move on.

Eira

[dkemper314]

My Day in Hell --> Unfortunately, the title spurred thoughts of Matt Groening's early comic strip called, "Life in Hell." A defect with your reader, me, not the poem though. Though I note your avatar/icon...

I'm sure people have commented on the E.A. Poe qualities of the poem. Something of an "Annabel Lee" quality, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Question: Is this a lucid dream? Is the speaker still dreaming though he thinks he's woken up?

Observation: It's said to be the worst pain there is, not to know one's place in the world.


all aflame [and] all in pain; --instead of a comma splice to keep it smooth?

and laughed and snickered when I asked --this level of anthropomorphism is just right IMO

I turned unto the cave's black walls
How about [Then turning toward] instead of
"unto" is actually UNto, so it's both out of place and must be forced into the meter.

I turned unto the Devil red,

The inversion, "Devil red" actually sorts nicely with the tone, though I crave not using the word Devil, which seems to me not to carry enough horror. The line doesn't seem to require a rhyme, consider perhaps: "I turned to Mephistopheles" or "I turned to Asmodeus" or "I asked Beelzebub" -? Take/toss. Those might break the tone as well.

my bleeding wounds I bared;
I asked him please to bring an end —

[Consider: "My bleeding wounds, I bare,/to ask ..." --Just to nip off that pesky "ed". Perhaps also "My bleeding wounds I bare/beseeching him to make this end./There was no devil there."

There was no devil standing there,
no devil there to scorn;
the smoke that twirled and twisted up
could only nod forlorn;

[I'd be tempted to use flame instead of smoke and use "shake" instead of nod. My temptation is probably off-course for the poem-- I'd be wanted to allude to the epigram of Prufrock, which in turn quotes Dante's Inferno.]

could only nod forlorn, the smoke
that twisted from the flames
that danced and played and laughed and stayed
and caused me pain me pain.

The unresolved ending is perfect. The devil's job is pretty easy. We seem to mess ourselves up plenty without his assistance. Heh.

[CalebPerry]

Let me start out with "unto". Despite what the dictionaries say, I believe that "unto" can be pronounced with the stress on either syllable, and that people do indeed do that. In fact, since "un" is a prefix, one would think that "to" would normally take the stress. Evidence of that is that people pronounce "to" as TOO. If "un" really took the stress, people would pronounce it "UN-tuh". Even if I'm wrong, a poet can force a reader to pronounce a word differently if the rhythms in the poem are strong enough, which is certainly the case with this poem. In fact, I read an analysis of a famous poem once in which the poet had done exactly that.

Despite what I said above, I have shown this poem to one or two other poetry critique groups, and no one mentioned Matt Groening. Also, no one has noticed a similarity to Poe. Poe, I might add, wrote with rhythms so strong that they were musical, but he hardly cornered the market on such poetry.

The poem isn't meant to be a dream. It is simply allegorical -- a fantasy.

As for "bared" and "bare", the poem is in the past tense and "bare" is present tense.

I appreciate that some of your comments were positive. Indeed, I appreciate everything you said, positive or negative. This poem is so personal for me, and so ingrained in my mind, that it is only one of two of my poems that I have actually memorized. I'll think about making changes, but I'm not likely to.

[dkemper314]

Well, to launch into a bit of a tangent. I'm glad I unburdened myself of "UNTO." That said, I actually hear it much as you do. And have a similar malady (?) with "into."

It's a shame that others have missed its kindred musicality with Poe; I suspect a lack of familiarity with Poe. It's a complement, not a detraction. Musicality is often lacking in the modern idiom.

All good on taking or tossing suggestions; often their more helpful in poems to come rather than poems at present.

cheers!

[CalebPerry]

I'm sorry if my response to your crits was not as positive as they might have been. I'm very protective of this poem because it represents my most basic feelings about life.

Regarding Poe, I don't really take him seriously myself. He was into macabre stuff, which I'm not. I used rhythm in this poem to hammer down the intense unhappiness of the speaker. In Poe's poems, I feel that he used rhythm more like it is used in nursery rhymes -- i.e., to support fantasy, even silliness. I mean, the black raven is kind of a ridiculous character, don't you think? Perhaps I am saying all this just because I haven't read his poems in a while. I want my poetry to be about reality; and although this allegorical poem is a fantasy, I think I accurately describe the way that many people feel about physical life.

Thanks for coming back to say more. You did arouse one thing in me: an awareness that I should review this poem with a critical eye and stop seeing it as so sacred. When I was young, once I wrote something, it was very hard for me to change it. In my old age, I'm more fluid in that respect.

[dkemper314]

All good, dude.

There is an overdose of macabre in Poe, and a certain lack of maturity in many of his most famous works, and a lack of understanding from our free-verse-heavy times of the musicality he was generating. If I had to hang onto one Poe poem, it would likely be "A Dream within A Dream" or perhaps, idiosyncratically, "Ulalalume." To your poem, I appreciate it and your feelings of protectiveness. Your candor on such things is refreshing, btw. I don't think we as poets ever grow too far away from being protective of our works.

[CalebPerry]

DK, thanks for your additional thoughts. I definitely appreciate them. I'll look up those poems by Poe.

[camus]

From the title to the 'painful' closure, I'm sorry, but this poem sounds like teen angst from a 70 year old. Which it actually is.

I feel like saying 'grow up' get a grip and write something out of your self-obsessed comfort zone. Because when you do, it can be worthy, interesting and engaging...

I feel like saying that, but...

Cheers
Kris

[Leaf]

But what, Kris?

[CalebPerry]

Sorry, I hadn't noticed that more comments came in. I've had a stressful few days.

I wrote the poem about 35 years ago, possibly longer. I think it distills the feeling that some people have about life as a hellish thing. I don't think it's immature.

I think that Fliss may agree with you Kris. Otherwise, she would have left her own comment. That's fine. Not everything I write is particularly likable.

[Leaf]

Fliss was just curious

[camus]

I think it distils the feeling that some people have about life as a hellish thing. I don't think it's immature.

I would disagree.

I fail to see any distillation, and the language for me is immature. I just felt like addressing the elephant in the room, which was - pure teen angst, that doesn't and shouldn't have a place here.

Of course I may be completely wrong! I've spent my fair share of days in hell and if (as a reader) I was seeking some insight or perhaps some reflection, some connection to the writer and the content, i would find none here. I tend to agree with Sartre.

Still, I appreciate your:

That's fine. Not everything I write is particularly likable.

And you are of course correct - That's fine.

Cheers
Kris

[CalebPerry]

that doesn't and shouldn't have a place here.

That's an odd thing to say.

This is actually the second forum I have posted this poem on. On the other forum, someone thanked me for saying in the poem the same feelings that he had about life. No one, before you, has called the poem immature or "teen angst". I believe in reincarnation, and some lives are just awful. This life was awful enough that I felt the need to write this poem. It represents my deepest feelings about life. In my old age, however, I have mostly outgrown those feelings.

I know that the British are famous for their stiff upper lips, but I think you are taking that attitude to an extreme. I already know you don't like me, so let's just leave it there.

[camus]

No one, before you, has called the poem immature or "teen angst".

Therefore it isn't? An odd perspective, a very closed perspective, i'd add.

I already know you don't like me

You couldn't me more wrong. I find you an intriguing character, one who i enjoy engaging with, but with ridiculous, childish comments such as that, you don't really redeem yourself.

So let's just leave it there.

Cheers
Kris

[CalebPerry]

I'm tempted to keep arguing, but I don't really care. You can have it your way. I don't need you awakening the old argumentative Caleb in me.

[CalebPerry]

From the title to the 'painful' closure, I'm sorry, but this poem sounds like teen angst from a 70 year old. Which it actually is.

I feel like saying 'grow up' get a grip and write something out of your self-obsessed comfort zone. Because when you do, it can be worthy, interesting and engaging...

You know something, Kris, the more I think about it, the more obvious it is that you were not critiquing my poem in those comments, but attacking my character. Every debater understands that ad hominem attacks are wrong. That's what you were doing when you said "teen angst from a 70 year old", and when you told me to "grow up" and "get a grip", and also when you mentioned my "self-obsessed comfort zone". All of those comments relate to my character and have nothing to do with my poem.

So, having attacked my character, I have to ask you for an apology. If you don't apologize, then please don't critique any of my poems again.

[camus]

Oh do fuck off Caleb.

You've been a constant pain in the arse since you came here. You were banned multiple times by previous admins. And for your information, I opposed every ban. I've always been on your side and on the side of people on here who may post for reasons other than poetic !

Unfortunately I don't think you quite understand how a critique Forum works? If you're here for your pathetic, fragile ego to be stroked, then you're in the wrong place. You may hear some negative comments about your work and you may have to actually take them on board!

BUT, I'm now realising that you don't think these rules apply to you and I'm starting to understand the previous Mods reasoning. You're paranoid and antagonistic, an unfortunate mix. Please don't dictate to me or anyone else how they should approach your work.

Now settle down or move on, because I'm not putting up with your nonsense any longer.

Cheers
Kris