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You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2023 8:21 pm
by camus
Head of suede
eyes of ruin
your svelte svengali
softness gone.
Now a barnyard savage
your head tattooed
in drunken Latin:
Illegitimi non carborundum
message done.
A clever thug
you have now
become.
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Sun Oct 01, 2023 10:55 am
by ray miller
Love it, especially the 2nd verse. I'm tempted to rhyme Barnyard Savage with Bernard Manning.
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Sun Oct 01, 2023 6:56 pm
by David
Yes, very good. Not a word wasted.
Great title too.
Cheers
David
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Sun Oct 01, 2023 9:47 pm
by ton321
Enjoyed. Terse, tense, and intense-
Tony
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Mon Oct 02, 2023 10:53 am
by camus
Thanks guys!
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2023 6:23 am
by Macavity
Excellent Kris. The inner/outer, the irony of the progression, a twist on Dorian Gray.
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2023 1:48 pm
by Ryder
Very good
I like when rhyme is used between languages and in such a concise way, Tony Harrison can do that quite well too.
Good job.
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2023 7:46 pm
by camus
Thanks Mac,
Really pleased the irony came through, thought it may be lost.
Thanks Ryder,
I had a bit of Harrison obsession for a short while, especially his (C) Cancer poems and his glorious 'Long Distance' poems. I tried to replicate Long Distance II a number of times, but failed miserably.
Cheers
Kris
Re: You now have a violent exterior
Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2023 3:52 am
by Ryder
‘National Trust’ is a particular favourite and contains a bit of what I was on about.
Ta