Two Deaths

[ray miller]

Tears were wrung from a foreign tunnel
of mangled metal, to be sprinkled
on roadsides where garlands settle,
curling leaves around each shoulder,
offering solace to a neighbour, encircling
castles and breaching defences.
Death of a princess, a Saturday climax:
the national blub-in led by New Labour.

I thought of my mother three months earlier,
finally eaten away by breast cancer
and the 144 to Birmingham which took two decades
to burgeon from a speck on the horizon
to a hearse I had to hop on.
The sunlight stings my eyelids by the time
I get to Droitwich, spying shopping bags
and mobiles, flowers wrapped in plastic,
the tussle for parking spaces
and the insouciance of swans.

Disembarking at The Austin,
The King George is so tempting,
but I fear I’ll not stop drinking once I start.
The old man’s already shrinking,
choking up instead of talking;
the dog needs walking -I'm not slow to take the lead,
we cannot watch each other grieve.
He'd kept pace throughout the marathon,
before losing the sprint finish and never
got to tell her that he loved her at the end.
He blames himself, should've been quicker,
she’d messed her knickers trying to reach the loo.
I wondered if he knew what can happen
when people die: how you can lose control
and it all comes out. With us it never did.
We were Old Labour.

[jisbell00]

Hi Ray,

Powerful stuff. I like your internal rhymes in S3.

Di died the same day as Mother Theresa. I remember who got space on the front page.

Cheers,
John

[Lia]

Hi Ray,

Sorry I couldn't get here sooner to comment, but I have read your poem several times. A poem like this needs a bit of time, I think. It's hard hitting - all the way through. The first two stanzas are tighter than the last. I hardly want to touch the poem but there's two small things to mention. First of all,

“Disembarking at The Austin,
The King George is so tempting,
but I fear I’d not stop drinking once I start.”

Because you say 'once I start' would you consider 'I'll'? Eg:

but I fear I'll not stop drinking once I start.

The other thought was about this,

“I wondered if he knew what can happen
when people die: how you can lose control”

The tense of the poem shifts about quite a bit so it's hard explaining why the first line here sounds wrong to me. I had a couple of alternatives;

I wonder if he knew this could happen
when people die: how you can lose control

or

I wondered if he knew this could happen
when people died: how you can lose control

Mainly, it's about 'this' because you're pointing to a certain thing that could happen. Another thought is 'that', but then you'd probably need 'that it could'. See what you think.

It's a brilliant piece of writing.

Lia

[ton321]

T

Enjoyed but needs cutting down. It's an emotional subject that I feel is watered down at the moment. It needs condensing.

Tony

[ray miller]

Thanks all. Yes, I've swapped I'd for I'll.

I wondered if he knew this could happen
when people died: how you can lose control

I suppose I chose "what could happen" because that's more ambiguous and encompasses the emotional reaction as well. At least that's what my intent was.