Another room, but quite the opposite,
as busy as a SciFi TV set
in which a friendly and obliging crew
in uniforms of deep cerulean blue,
grouped round this alien hardware, slide me in
so that the gentle probing can begin.
Breathe in … breathe out … hold your breath …
continue breathing … planet Earth
seems far away, and Time has lost its place
in all this infinitely narrow space.
These creatures come in peace. Calm and benign,
they mean no harm to this old heart of mine,
solicitous as all the saints above
whose moving principle, like theirs, is Love.
Into the belly of the beast
Yes, I think this works. The ending is very nice, uncomplicated rhymes and all.
The last line of Dante's Divina commedia is L'amor che muove il sole e le altre stelle, The love that moves the sun and the other stars. That's a bit what you've got to end here, David.
Oh - I'm not sure you need two stanzas. Also, it's a clever title, and true, but it takes the reader knowing your experience, i think, to place what's happening. Unless you publish these in sequence, of course!
Cheers,
John
The last line of Dante's Divina commedia is L'amor che muove il sole e le altre stelle, The love that moves the sun and the other stars. That's a bit what you've got to end here, David.
Oh - I'm not sure you need two stanzas. Also, it's a clever title, and true, but it takes the reader knowing your experience, i think, to place what's happening. Unless you publish these in sequence, of course!
Cheers,
John
Hi David,
Coming back. I think you can get away with Sci-Fi TV set. I do hope so. Your word choices throughout the poem remind me of your remark about word choice and how important it is in poetry (naturally enough). Pretty much all your rhymes are simple ones, but that doesn't really seem to bother me. The details do sing - "this infinitely narrow space," for example, whcih speaks to the observant eye. The whole extended metaphor seems apt.
Cheers,
John
Coming back. I think you can get away with Sci-Fi TV set. I do hope so. Your word choices throughout the poem remind me of your remark about word choice and how important it is in poetry (naturally enough). Pretty much all your rhymes are simple ones, but that doesn't really seem to bother me. The details do sing - "this infinitely narrow space," for example, whcih speaks to the observant eye. The whole extended metaphor seems apt.
Cheers,
John
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3096
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I didn't notice that you had posted this, David. I really like it. It would seem that all of us oldsters start writing about our medical problems and/or appointments at some point, and it seems that you have gotten to that age.
I said I really "like" it, but I think it's more like love it. I think it's quite excellent. This ability that you and John have (and Felicity too) to perfectly rhyme all the lines in a poem is still quite remarkable to me, as I have done it only two or three times. And despite all of the rhyming, the poem unfolds with well-cadenced but natural language. I couldn't ask for anything more in a poem.
I notice that it is a sonnet split perfectly in half, and that it slows down in the middle -- no issues there.
I myself have gone down one of those narrow miracle tunnels.
The title seems fine to me, although perhaps not quite perfect. For some reason I find myself thinking of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. I guess I don't think of those contraptions as "beasts" as much as ... well, I'm not sure. If this were mine, I might name it "The Time Tunnel", as it was time that got you to this point, and the contraption reminds one of a tunnel.
Thank you for finding some other word to rhyme "breath" with than "death", even if it is an off-rhyme.
Lately I have seen so many excellent poems posted on this forum. It looks like I'm going to have to start rhyming to keep up with all of you (... as Caleb once again draws attention to his own poems; sorry for being so predictable).
Talking about me, though, I've posted a second version of "Sky". I'd love it if you would look.
I said I really "like" it, but I think it's more like love it. I think it's quite excellent. This ability that you and John have (and Felicity too) to perfectly rhyme all the lines in a poem is still quite remarkable to me, as I have done it only two or three times. And despite all of the rhyming, the poem unfolds with well-cadenced but natural language. I couldn't ask for anything more in a poem.
I notice that it is a sonnet split perfectly in half, and that it slows down in the middle -- no issues there.
I myself have gone down one of those narrow miracle tunnels.
The title seems fine to me, although perhaps not quite perfect. For some reason I find myself thinking of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. I guess I don't think of those contraptions as "beasts" as much as ... well, I'm not sure. If this were mine, I might name it "The Time Tunnel", as it was time that got you to this point, and the contraption reminds one of a tunnel.
Thank you for finding some other word to rhyme "breath" with than "death", even if it is an off-rhyme.
Lately I have seen so many excellent poems posted on this forum. It looks like I'm going to have to start rhyming to keep up with all of you (... as Caleb once again draws attention to his own poems; sorry for being so predictable).
Talking about me, though, I've posted a second version of "Sky". I'd love it if you would look.
David wrote: ↑Thu Dec 21, 2023 7:20 pmAnother room, but quite the opposite,
as busy as a SciFi TV set
in which a friendly and obliging crew
in uniforms of deep cerulean blue,
grouped round this alien hardware, slide me in
so that the gentle probing can begin.
Breathe in … breathe out … hold your breath …
continue breathing … planet Earth
seems far away, and Time has lost its place
in all this infinitely narrow space.
These creatures come in peace. Calm and benign,
they mean no harm to this old heart of mine,
solicitous as all the saints above
whose moving principle, like theirs, is Love.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
John, Caleb, I'm glad you liked this. (I'm starting to understand what you meant about the state of the forum, John.)
I do want that sort of transcendental ending, John - rightly or wrongly.
As to the two stanzas, to me this is just one set of fourteen lines but with the deep breath taken in the middle. Perhaps that doesn't work.
I am hoping these will be read in sequence.
"Sci-Fi TV set" has caused me some trouble. I wonder whether "60s Sci-Fi set" would be better.
"TheTime Tunnel" is a nice suggestion, Caleb. I used to like that programme, but was impressed by their ability always to pop up somewhere interesting.
I look forward to reading some rhyming poems from you.
Cheers both
David
I do want that sort of transcendental ending, John - rightly or wrongly.
As to the two stanzas, to me this is just one set of fourteen lines but with the deep breath taken in the middle. Perhaps that doesn't work.
I am hoping these will be read in sequence.
"Sci-Fi TV set" has caused me some trouble. I wonder whether "60s Sci-Fi set" would be better.
"TheTime Tunnel" is a nice suggestion, Caleb. I used to like that programme, but was impressed by their ability always to pop up somewhere interesting.
I look forward to reading some rhyming poems from you.
Cheers both
David
Hi David,
I think the ending is great! Don't change it on my account. And with these poems in sequence, context will be no problem. I'm not sure about the deep breath in the middle, and think it may be worth trying out "60s Sci-Fi set." Though of course, readers may say "set of what?" Could something like "glowing TV set" work? You may have enough later for the sci-fi to come through. Or call the poem Klaatu barada nikto.
I very much like your idea of the forum sitting up and taking some chicken soup. Let us hope so. I knew an actor in a touring Macbeth one time who told me how they all hated their Macbeth lead, so on the last night, instead of coming in and saying "The queen, my Lord, is dead," the servant came in amnd said "The queen, my Lord, is much better, she's sitting up in bed and having a cup of tea."
Cheers,
John
I think the ending is great! Don't change it on my account. And with these poems in sequence, context will be no problem. I'm not sure about the deep breath in the middle, and think it may be worth trying out "60s Sci-Fi set." Though of course, readers may say "set of what?" Could something like "glowing TV set" work? You may have enough later for the sci-fi to come through. Or call the poem Klaatu barada nikto.
I very much like your idea of the forum sitting up and taking some chicken soup. Let us hope so. I knew an actor in a touring Macbeth one time who told me how they all hated their Macbeth lead, so on the last night, instead of coming in and saying "The queen, my Lord, is dead," the servant came in amnd said "The queen, my Lord, is much better, she's sitting up in bed and having a cup of tea."
Cheers,
John
Love the Sci-Fi filter. I wish you hadn't brought the saints into play. No doubt my personal bias. Perhaps the personnel are more in love with the job, the science or technology
Some irony to play with against the humane perspective.
Some irony to play with against the humane perspective.A couple of nits with this one, David.
I wonder if 'cerulean blue' is a bit of a cliche? I mean, it sounds lovely, surely it's been used a lot. If not a cliche, then perhaps it's over-egging the pudding a bit? I could be wrong about all of this, just something about it not sitting quite right,
Also, I'm finding S2 L5 a bit jarring. We've settled in to the sci-fi setting and suddenly we're hit with The Isley Brothers, it sort of comes out of nowhere.
Cheers,
nash
I wonder if 'cerulean blue' is a bit of a cliche? I mean, it sounds lovely, surely it's been used a lot. If not a cliche, then perhaps it's over-egging the pudding a bit? I could be wrong about all of this, just something about it not sitting quite right,
Also, I'm finding S2 L5 a bit jarring. We've settled in to the sci-fi setting and suddenly we're hit with The Isley Brothers, it sort of comes out of nowhere.
Cheers,
nash
Hi David,
it works for me, it feels like there's something going on.. but as a poem it works too. My partrners' Father is in the last stages so it does resonate. I feel like I could write something very similar..
Tony
it works for me, it feels like there's something going on.. but as a poem it works too. My partrners' Father is in the last stages so it does resonate. I feel like I could write something very similar..
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Belatedly ...
I will try to get back into the swing of things here. (Are they swinging?)
Cheers all
David
Now there's an idea, John.
You're probably right, Phil. The saints are a personal idiosyncrasy of mine.
Probably very reasonable, John. I like "cerulean" because of its association with sky - keep watching the skies! - and you can mark The Isley Brothers down as another personal idiosyncrasy. I like it, though.
You're probably right, Tony. It is a universal experience (but personally expressed), so you could definitely do that too.
I will try to get back into the swing of things here. (Are they swinging?)
Cheers all
David
