Poetry Forum

 
I was in a deep valley
with cliffs either side
rearing up like history
of a forgotten world,
there were cries of birds
piercing and plaintive,
weaving a  sound
with the needles of  beaks.
 
They were from prehistory;
the first kind of bird
when wings were new
as new-minted  coins,
migrating from lands
before maps were thought of,
out of reach of voices
or progressions of thought;
 
they flew above me
in slow succession
taking their time
in the gathering air,

their cries undulating
like grassy valleys,
in a steady warm wind,
fixed in their certainty-
the hoop of movement,
towards their green goal.

Hi Tony,

I think you've posted this one before, fairly recently? Perhaps you could post the original, to show what's changed?

Cheers,
John

John

This is the original as far as I can tell......

Tony

This seems like a great and generous vision, Tony. A welcome thing in this dark season of the year.

Happy Christmas.

David

I enjoyed the sentiment, the possibilities...

I think the poem was let down by unnecessary repetition?

'History' 'Pre-History' 'new as new-minted coins' 'thought of' 'thought'

It seems a mixture of visions not quite tightened up enough?

A good first draft though.

Cheers
TS

I like it. I particularly like:

ton321 wrote: ↑

Sat Dec 23, 2023 1:56 am

weaving a  sound
with the needles of  beaks.

S2 is a little clunky to my ear and could do with some work.. Personally, I'd get shot of L1 and L4. 'Prehistory' seems a bit superfluous when you have L2 doing that same job but more poetically. Same with L4, L3 does the job perfectly well (and I'm not sure that new-minted coins works as a simile for wings, does it?)

All the best,
nash

Thanks David, appreciate the kindness of response.

Stranger- I can see the repetition , but it was kind of meant to be like that, sorry if you didn't like that.
Thanks for the comments Nash, it's appreciated that you took a look.




Tony

David wrote: ↑

Sun Dec 24, 2023 4:45 pm

Happy Christmas.

David

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! Christmas is a time to be merry and miserable, not happy! You Brits have been watching too much Mary Berry, the only person who really loves Christmas.

It's not a bad poem, Tony. I think the language needs tweaking in places, and some of the images. Even though they are slightly different words, history/prehistory sound redundant. "The first kind of bird/new minted coins" -- do those images work together? I'm not sure. Birds flying in slow succession -- do "flying" and "slow succession" make sense? I think of flying as a fast activity. You might try to make the language a little more rhythmic.

It's a kind of conscious grappling with the unconscious. Thanks for looking in Caleb.

Tony

Hi Tony,

It still feels like I’ve seen this? Nice poem, anyway!

Cheers,
John