The Alder King
Stapled to this tree of pain,
I bring us a good harvest with my blood.
It’s hot.
There are flies at my wounds and face,
and I am thirsty.
I have spoken to the gods.
They’re happy.
This tree is upside-down.
If my head were planted,
it could grow and the pain would stop.
My feet would walk in the clouds.
The leaves are kind –
I hear their water.
My eyes do not see clearly,
but I see the tree.
The nights are vast.
I’m thirsty.
Break me in half and bury me.
I want to be dead.
The Alder King
Like it John, feel the tone fits, though have made some suggestions for even more sparse delivery to mirror the thirst.jisbell00 wrote: ↑Tue Jan 02, 2024 12:59 amThe Alder King
Stapled to this tree,
I promise a good harvest with my blood.
It’s hot.
There are flies at my wounds
and I am thirsty.
I have spoken to the gods.
They’re happy.
This tree is upside-down.
If my head were planted,
it could grow and the pain stop.
My feet would walk through clouds.
The leaves are kind –
I hear their water.
My eyes do not see clearly,
but I know the tree.
The nights are vast.
I’m thirsty.
Break me in half and bury me.
I want to be dead.
Hi Phil,
Yup, the narrator is very thirsty! I like your edits, especially "the leaves are kind," but I've lived with tihs poem for a good twenty years so it will take me a minute to adjust myself to changing things. Your edits make a shift to beauty which is in itself an interesting choice: "the nights are vast," for instance, instead of the flat "the nights are long."
Thanks for the suggestions, you've given me a lot to think about.
Cheers,
John
Yup, the narrator is very thirsty! I like your edits, especially "the leaves are kind," but I've lived with tihs poem for a good twenty years so it will take me a minute to adjust myself to changing things. Your edits make a shift to beauty which is in itself an interesting choice: "the nights are vast," for instance, instead of the flat "the nights are long."
Thanks for the suggestions, you've given me a lot to think about.
Cheers,
John
Yes, I was aware of the effectiveness of flat, familiar statements in the context John (I liked Tony's lead weighted baby!) I felt 'vast' may trigger a palpable sense of eternity, but mostly I thought it progressed the 'ast'/'est'/'irst' sonic thread.
Hi Phil,
Interesting questions! yes, I think this poem depends in part on flatness for its effect, but kind and vast are I think distinct improvements. Kind, it's pretty clear is better. Vast made me hesitate - would the guy really find that somewhat poetic term? - but the nights are both long - vast - and stretch to infinity as blue sky does not, i.e. vast. So I've been persuaded in both instances. Thanks for those!
In my hand poem, I just took out the word summoned for that reason, and went with "I'm planning." Very flat!
This poem was once called "The Apology of Judas," but I like the new title, and I think it's important ot have a breath of pagan fresh air in the middle of the bible series. This is a bit of The Golden Bough, really, but it was also my vision, back in about 2004.
Cheers,
John
Interesting questions! yes, I think this poem depends in part on flatness for its effect, but kind and vast are I think distinct improvements. Kind, it's pretty clear is better. Vast made me hesitate - would the guy really find that somewhat poetic term? - but the nights are both long - vast - and stretch to infinity as blue sky does not, i.e. vast. So I've been persuaded in both instances. Thanks for those!
In my hand poem, I just took out the word summoned for that reason, and went with "I'm planning." Very flat!
This poem was once called "The Apology of Judas," but I like the new title, and I think it's important ot have a breath of pagan fresh air in the middle of the bible series. This is a bit of The Golden Bough, really, but it was also my vision, back in about 2004.
Cheers,
John