Vanity Fair

[jisbell00]

Vanity Fair

“Why, this is Hell, nor am I out of it.”

Christopher Marlowe

On the first day, the heavens opened,

and I saw Christ hanging on His Throne of Blood.

An eyeless vulture nailed to the Cross.

I tried to cut off my right hand –

awaiting an angel –

because the redemption of Creation required it.

I spoke with all things –

even inanimate matter –

and was invaded by it, cell by cell.

I saved the damned and Satan –

at terrible price.

I stayed in Hell for all Mankind.

On the second day, I deleted my own being,

so Elijah could come occupy my brain.

I took my shoes off on hallowed ground.

I wrecked my car,

went to hospital,

and attempted suicide more than once.

On the third day, when I was Adam Kadmon,

I severed my head from my body,

so the heavens would not be corrupted by impurity.

I was the number eleven: perfect mirror,

Sword of God, the Beast in the Apocalypse.

Messiah. I was I.

 

[CalebPerry]

I think the language is creative, as all your poems are. But I think that only those people who have sunk to the low state you were in during those times, can be expected to really understand and relate to a poem like this.

(I wrote this a half-day ago, but forgot to hit "Submit". Sorry.)

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

And thank you for your useful comment. I'm glad you find the language creative. As to the subject matter, this poem is a benchmark marking the furthest or most alien point, I think, of my experience, to avoid lulling people into the belief that it was an easy ride or just a little beyond normality. Sainte-Beuve wrote to Baudelaire about the "hut he'd built in literature's Kamchatka," and that is how I'd like people to feel after reading this. Then, we return to business as usual, reclaiming the past. SO your reaction feels about right.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

John, have you recovered from those issues you were having? Is everything all right now?

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb, How kind of you to ask! Yes, I lived my rather painful eight years of misdiagnosis, wrong meds, and adjustment to chronic illness, and since then (2004) I've been pretty much normal. Or at least, as normal as i was before my first episode! I do need my daily meds though, which is a hassle sometimes when traveling.
Oh - there was also trauma, understandably I think. But I've been emerging from that pretty successfully since my marriage in 2014. I am a cherrful chap by nature.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Well, that's good to hear.

[jisbell00]

[jisbell00]

The system posted two smiley faces. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose!