Early morning sun-
light over the old canal.
Ripples speak silence.
No one has breathed yet
Except the old gulping carp.
People are coming
up to air from dreams,
still swimming like great mermaids,
still treading water
with fins, feet or both.
Earthed
-
the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
Love the intro:
Cheers
TS
Simple language into something deeper. "Ripples speak silence" what a great observation, yes they do.Early morning sun-
light over the old canal.
Ripples speak silence.
You wrongly personify the carp here.No one has breathed yet
Except the old gulping carp.
A nice continuum.People are coming
up to air from dreams,
Thought that was a bit rubbish.still swimming like great mermaids,
Had great potential, but was let down bystill treading water
The analogy didn't really work for me.with fins, feet or both.
Cheers
TS
Thanks
"You wrongly personified the carp," isn't what I normally get accused of in this forum, but please elaborate on that observation. But thanks for taking the time.
Tony
"You wrongly personified the carp," isn't what I normally get accused of in this forum, but please elaborate on that observation. But thanks for taking the time.
Tony
Last edited by ton321 on Sat Jan 20, 2024 4:02 am, edited 3 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
-
the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
I've no idea?isn't what I normally get accused of in this forum
But:
No one has breathed yet
Except the old gulping carp.
"No one" can't relate to the 'the old gulping carp' it's not possible. I think the 'Except' is the issue here. Maybe play around with that?
Cheers
TS
