Requiem

[CalebPerry]

Requiem
For the men, women and children who lost
their lives in a terrorist bombing in Oklahoma City

One hundred and sixty-eight are gone,
for no known reason, ripped away
from the succor of the world, from the gaze
of friends, from the hustle and the bustle,
and the quietude of mothers’ arms.

And we who are left to wonder,
to reconcile, to ponder the wisdom
of God’s strange ways, can only pray
and grapple with our faith that fell
in twenty million pieces to the ground.

Nature in its brilliance brings another dawn;
time — our antagonizing friend — prevails.
The grass in its habit will colonize the sand;
the wound will be covered, we will heal.
And someday, someday we will understand.

☙

This is the poem I wrote after the terrorist bombing in Oklahoma City in 1995 by Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols. I thought it was a great poem when I wrote it, and then concluded it was full of cliches. Now I find myself thinking it isn't so bad.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

Actually, i see both cliche and poetry here, perhaps inextricably linked. But let me go through it a bit with you to share my reactions.

Requiem
For the men, women and children who lost
their lives in a terrorist bombing in Oklahoma City

One hundred and sixty-eight are gone,
*of us? I might add that, to involve us and explain what the 168 that are gone are - plates? cats?

for no known reason, ripped away
* I very much like for no known reason.

from the succor of the world, from the gaze
* ripped away is OK, I like the succor of the world.

of friends, from the hustle and the bustle,
and the quietude of mothers’ arms.
* Yeah, this works for me.


And we who are left to wonder,
to reconcile, to ponder the wisdom
* wonder-ponder is a nice internal rhyme.

of God’s strange ways, can only pray
* I'm afraid God's strange ways is a cliche.

and grapple with our faith that fell
in twenty million pieces to the ground.
* why 20 million pieces? You've used a specific number earlier.

Nature in its brilliance brings another dawn;
time — our antagonizing friend — prevails.
*antagonizing? But I like this shift.

The grass in its habit will colonize the sand;
* that's a very nice line IMO. But does grass colonize sand? Maybe dirt? or dust?

the wound will be covered, we will heal.
* less good than the previous line.

And someday, someday we will understand.
* less good than the previous line. 3-2-1 get less fresh and interesting as they progress. I think I'd look for a fresher way to write your last two lines. I would say we will never understand. How are we going to understand the act, that evil?

So yes, i think this is a nice poem, and it's a little different from your usual. I do think a line or two, an image or two, can be made fresher, and that tinkering would seem to me worthwhile. My 2c.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, John. I appreciate the detailed critique!

I do feel that poems about world-changing events can have some cliches in them and even be a little predictable.

I will look at all of your suggestions, although this poem is now out of date. I'll keep "sand" if I decide to keep "understand" (for the rhyme). "Sand" can be seen as a metaphor for "dirt".

You didn't pull the poem apart as much as I might have expected.

Thanks again.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

I think it’s a good poem. You might flip the last line from cliche but keep the rhyme.

Cheers,
John