Sentinel Fields

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

REVISED
The gravel grinds its teeth beneath my feet
beneath the weight I bear in witnessing
this stoic scene of death and noble love.

So proud and straight the stalks of guardian flowers
with plumes of blood-dried red stand sentinel
and mark their brothers’ graves against the wind.

And at their roots the fallen corpses lie
these bones of blooms now still but for the breeze
they creak on joints of broken stalks blanched white.

Through ice and thaw these watchful ones have stood.
They stand with death and stubbornly live on
that no one may forget their brothers lived.




ORIGINAL

The gravel grinds its teeth beneath my feet
beneath the weight I bear in witnessing
this stoic scene of death and noble love.

So proud and straight the stalks of guardian flowers
with plumes of blood-dried red stand sentinel
and mark their brothers’ graves against the wind.

And at their feet the tragic corpses lie
kin bones of blooms now still but for the wind
they creak on joints of broken stalks blanched white.

Through ice and thaw these guardians have stood
and mourned their brothers fallen in the field.

They stand with death and stubbornly live on
that no one may forget their brothers lived.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna.
It's got a very odd tone (S1 seems almost mockery) and some strange language ('kin bones' sounds like an abbreviation - f**kin' bones.)
There's a couple of 'feet', 'wind' and 'guardians' - and none of the repetitions seems to add anything.

That said, I do like the 'gravel grinding it teeth', a lot.

This, seems to me, to be the heart of it.

gravel grinds its teeth beneath my feet
plumes of blood-dried red stand sentinel
joints of broken stalks blanched white.


Regards, Not

.

[ton321]

The idea of poppies as guardian gives a new twist. Something delicate and fragile as a poppy as a bouncer/guardian figure for the dead seems appropriate.
The first three stanzas are three lines long then the last two are two. ...? There are a few cliched moments here as well maybe in the syntax as much as the vocab.
but the idea is good and you have a good template here for a poem

Tony

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Thank you both for the feedback!
Not, what makes S1 seem a mockery? Maybe I'm missing it because I know what I meant in writing it!

I worked on the repetition and combined the final awkward 2-line stanzas into one in the revision, and I think it is definitely better for the changes!

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna.

Maybe I'm missing it because I know what I meant in writing it!
If there's any missing to be done don't rule me out.
Not, what makes S1 seem a mockery?
Allow me to sidestep that question and suggest cutting S1 entirely. How is the poem changed?

How proud and straight the stalks of guardian flowers
with plumes of blood-dried red stand sentinel .......................... is dried blood red?
which mark their brothers’ graves against the wind. .................. what effect would the wind have on a grave?

And at their roots the fallen corpses lie .................................. 'fallen corpses' suggest it's the corpses that fell. Why not simply the fallen lie? (Also, might the roots be 'holding' the corpses in some manner?)
these bones of blooms now still but for the breeze .................... there was wind earlier, now there's a breeze (and doesn't 'creak' imply movement?) That said, bones of blooms is excellent (the fallen, yes?)
they creak on joints of broken stalks blanched white. ................. 'blanched white' is a tad clichéd, besides, what colour would they be when blanched if not white?
If you could find a way to begin this with 'these bones of blooms' it might (I say might) be a stronger verse - there change from brothers to fallen corpses seems a bit odd (from intimate to ... not.)

Through ice and thaw these watchful ones have stood. .............. have stood / They stand.
They stand with death and stubbornly live on
that no one may forget their brothers lived. ............................ do you need 'may'?


Regards, Not

.