Poetry Forum

Tip-Ex Girlfriend

I changed the dates
on your letters,
extended our love
beyond your limits.
To fool some future self
I put them in a box
somewhere I'd forget.

I lost selected pages
I'd never understand.
Removed words you didn't mean
until you started making sense.
Filled empty spaces
with things you used to say,
hoping you'd soon remember.

The last remains unopened,
our Schrödinger-love inside.
Sealed tight, without the kiss.
I wish I could’ve fixed 'us'
with tip-ex and a shoe box
But I can’t change your words
when you are silent.


(I really need help with this I think I may have got stuck in the idea rather than the poetry of it. I'd like some help to try and sort it out before another revision. Thanks.) Edited after suggestions from barrie. Thanks

I changed the dates
on your letters,
extended our love
beyond your limits.
To fool some future self
I put them in a box
in a dark place.

I lost selected pages
I'd never understand.
Removed words you didn't mean'
until you started making sense.
Filled empty spaces
with things you used to say,
hoping you'd soon remember.

The last remains unopened,
our Schrödinger-love inside.
Sealed tight, without the kiss.
I wish I could’ve fixed 'us'
with tip-ex and a shoe box
But I can’t change your words
when none are spoken.

Just a suggestion.

I thought these were a really good couple of lines -

'The last remains unopened.
Our Schrödinger-love inside.' - Very original.

A good description of self-deception - Hope I've helped, no doubt others will.

nice one

Barrie

I really liked it, reminded me of the bit in "Amelie" where she edits the lost letters of her neighbour's husband.

I like the reference to Schrodinger aswell, as long as it remains sealed, the love is both alive and dead.

Good one, well done!

Thanks for the help barrie. i've made a couple of alterations based on your advice. It certainly makes it more concise. I'll try and come back to it after a bit of a break and look at it again.

don't mention it old bean...oh, I see you haven't!

Sorry Virago, Thank you for your comment too. I was replying to Barrie's when your post came throught so didn't see it until I'd posted.

I like the surreal "logic" of this poem.
It treads a fine line between being humorous, sad, and weird without
actually falling into any of thes camps, for me, which makes it all the
more interesting.

Did you mean to put blips around "mean"? (Just curious - there's only one)

If I may make a suggestion - change the last line to something
like
"when you are silent"
- to allow the inference of the spoken and the written word.

Nice one
Geoff

I think this poem can only be resolved by the lost selected pages.

That isnt to say a poem should have a conclusion, but it should have an honest basis.

Cheers, Minstrel.

Thanks TLF I've made the change you suggested and I think you were right to point out the inablility to change the words the someone speaks is much harder. That's the point I was failing to get across I think. Thank you.

Minstral, thank you for your comments. I was wondering if you could explain more what you ment be can only be resolved by the lost selected pages comment. Do you mean I should hint at what they might've been and the end of the poem? Also the comment about honesty in poetry. I would be grateful if you could expand on that in the hope of finishing this poem. Thankyou for your help, I hope you can expand on it, because I think it might be helpful.

Thank again

Adam

Sorry if I didn't thank anone else for their comments. I'm working away at the moment and only have limited access to the internet. I hope everyone on the boards is well.

I think it's just fine as it is. Don't worry about getting lost in the idea - the poetry stayed there too.

CC

Sorry F8, I missed this.

Yes, I thought hinting at what the selected pages contained might explain the situation more, yet after re-reading I think youve done well to capture the self deception element here so an explanation might undo this part of the poem.
The honesty comment, and Im struggling here with re-call ( I hadnt been drinking.....honest! ) alluded to the same thing. Some kind of conclusion to resolve the deceptions. It must be the 'happy ever after' in me.
You captured a common situation well, Im sure many can empathise with it. I certainly did.

Minstrel.

Thanks for the comments CC and Minstrel.

One thing I did consider was rather than hinting at the content of missing pages instead trying to write a stanza that might have been a page that had been modified, with blank spaces to show missing words so that it read positively but if you thought about what would fill the size of the gap you could put back in the removed words to see how it could be negative...I gave up on that because it seemed a bit pretentious in the end and it was proving quite difficult. I might give it another go at some point.

Figure 8