Poetry Forum

Prom Queen:
Stuff of locker room lore
and first-period fetishes:
famous for fictitious finger fucks,
surreptitious soccer squad suck-offs,
and trumped up school board
smorgasmbords.

She's really a good girl;
never impudent, an excellent student—
rumors are so unfair:
She banged the whole debate team,
in a grand election scheme.
Judicious. That's the word.

why isn't this good? never project that kind of sentiment onto your readers...that's my first bit of advice

I LOVE the lines
<i>She banged the whole debate team,
in a grand election scheme.</i>
this is candy on the tongue.

Some line by line notes: [] = delete () = add

<i>Stuff of locker room lore
and first-period fetishes:
famous for fictitious finger fucks [,]
[surreptitious] (and) soccer squad suck-offs, <b>-surreptitious just too much to handle here</b>
and trumped up school board
smorgasmbords. <b>-love it</b>

She's [really] a good girl; <b>-don't like the use of "really" ever...personal thing perhaps</b>
never impudent, an excellent student—
rumors are so unfair:
She banged the whole debate team,
in a grand election scheme.
Judicious. That's the word. <b>-strong finish</b></i>

I think this works, it is funny as hell and makes impact. Don't be so damn hard on yourself.

This just brightened my day.