Poetry Forum

"There is a splinter of ice in the heart of a writer." Graham Greene

On the window-ledge
This morning, in May sunlight,
The plastic bottle
Of apple juice is slowly
Thawing - its beer-brown
Liquid sparkling gently, but
At its heart the ice
Is still frozen: obdurate
And unyielding
And through it a different,
Distorted light shines.


Cameron's written a poem - shock, horror, probe!

Blimey, yes, and a pretty distinguished thing it is too, of course.

Interesting rhythm, those 5s and 7s, like a jerky haiku until the last three lines.

Is GG right, do you think? Or is that only true for him?

"Different" is interesting as well. Different from before, or different from other sorts of light?

Anyway, nice to see one of yours here.

David

Yes I wondered about the structure, is it of Japanese persuasion?

Cam stylee for sure, up there with Dripping Tap - simple language -capturing a mundane moment - creating a sophisticated poem.

I also wonder about the metaphor, is it a simply descriptive poem? what was with the GG quote in relation to the poem?

Extra marks for obdurate

Good to see you posting.

Thanks for the comments guys.

Yes, it's another Japanese 5/7 construction. It's become my one and only form these days, I'm afraid.

Most of my recent poems have focussed upon mundane, objective, external things eg taps, brambles, bottles of apple juice etc. But the reason I have something to say about these ordinary things is because they are also symbols or metaphors for something about me. (I hope this doesn't sound pretentious?) I suppose, I've always felt that there was something icy inside me too - hence the correlation and the GG quote.

Cheers
Cam

Loved this. I love simple poems. This site as a whole converted me over to them and this is a perfect example of a poem that would contribute to said conversion.

Man, I'm just full of glowing reviews this week aren't I? Mostly, anyway. Hopefully I'm not coming down with something. I feel fine. I'm getting better. I think I'll take a walk. It's been a long day.

Actually, I think it's just that everyone's writing well and I've lost the will to be picky.

- Caleb

Very nice, and I love the addition of the quote, it lends this a depth that wouldn't otherwise be there.

[] = delete () = add

On the window-ledge
This morning, in May sunlight,
The plastic bottle
Of apple juice is slowly
Thawing - its beer-brown
Liquid sparkl(es) [ing] gently, but
At its heart the ice
Is still frozen: obdurate
And unyielding
And through it a different,
Distorted light shines.

This is well written....my only suggestion is changing "sparkling" to "sparkles". Nice.

Thanks Ty - that's a good suggestion which I will ponder. "Sparkles " sounds more immediate, doesn't it?

C

Makes me wish I could improve rapidly. I had to look up obdurate - nice word! Thanks for the charming work and the lesson.

That's how you learn, Mick... we all suckle a Webster's teet (or Oxford's).


Cam,

I wish I had your ability to poeticise (?) everyday life. Might minimize my pathos a touch or two.

Nice.

Cheers,

Keith.

I loved reading this, I think the message came across clearly and profoundly.

Only question I have is concerning "but" on L6. Was this done for rhymic purposes, or to create a sense of urgency or some other effect?

Thanks for the fantastic read,

Ashley.

Thanks Ashley. Glad you enjoyed it. The "but" is really just a "but". The poem is an extended haiku so all the lines are either 5 or 7 syllables and therefore, due to this strict pattern, some words do tend to dangle off the end.

Cheers
Cam