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ego
Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 9:39 pm
by ty gorton
I feel more hopeless than god
waiting for his final trick;
there is nothing worse
than setting things in motion
and knowing right off
that you were wrong
as the hammer
looms
and then comes down
exactly where you planned.
Posted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 12:49 pm
by benjywenjy
I like the idea behind it. Any reason for the specific structure of the lines?
benjy
Posted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 1:55 pm
by pseud
Freud would've been proud of this one for its pessimism.
"setting things in motion" seems un-necessarily vague and cliche at the same time. I'd expand on what exactly you meant there, otherwise I am with benjy, good concept and form.
- Caleb
Posted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 5:02 pm
by mick
Was this original thought? I'm impressed if it was. Seems like one of those old sayings - but I've never heard it, so it gives it extra appeal to me.
Good one.
mick.
Posted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 5:16 pm
by Bombadil
Ty,
I don't know...there's something too oblique too sweeping about this one. There are too many "and" "then" and "than" statements. Sounds more like a child telling a story. "And then I ate a bug, and then I frew up, and then..." Also I'm having trouble with: "there is nothing worse..." are you sure there's nothing worse? Makes me think of Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill: "This is on the level with testicular cancer or children starving in the Sudan? Right, then."
Perhaps a retool is in order.
Cheers,
A.S.
Posted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 12:21 am
by ty gorton
mick wrote:Was this original thought? I'm impressed if it was. Seems like one of those old sayings - but I've never heard it, so it gives it extra appeal to me.
Good one.
mick.
I'm sure it's been said many times before, but it was original for me at the time of writing.
Absolon's Sword: I'd actually take that as a compliment, children tell us how it is without all the attached BS. If it came through as childish, then I may have to reconsider it, but I think there is a directness there that is of value.
In my opinion, there is nothing worse for an
individual than knowing they have done something wrong, made a bad choice, and set awful things in motion that cannot be stopped. That sense of dread and guilt is fairly limitless.
(it is also a little stab at religion of course, can't help myself)