Poetry Forum

Her hair – half done:
Sloppily scrunched
Into a ponytail, girl-like.
Though the wisps un-taut
framed her jaw with brisk
blasts of wind, woman-like.
An approach was thunk, then
sunk, for girl and woman
met man, bald but brisk;
He brushed her hair from her
eyes, kissed and seemingly
missed her lips by a long face.
Sucked her shiny forehead,
buckled her knees like a cool
friend or a hot lover?

Just looked at this again, it's very lack-lustre. I tried to capture a moment and failed, another one for the bargain bin!

I would have liked to delete it, but that ain't the way.

cheers
Kris

Nope. You have to show shite too.

What's this shite business? I thought it was wonderful anyway...must be easily impressed! Especially liked "missed by a long face".
Cheers Kris.

Let's just say he sets a high bar for himself. And so do I.

Yes mick they are quite the acrobats.

I dunno with this one. I like the premise - how does one greet a guy as a girl? I've wondered your final question many times, among people I know. Certainly not one I'd throw away Kris.

Maybe you could come back to it? Though I'm not sure on how one would "add lustre."

In a couple of weeks we will all have convinced ourselves that this is brilliant anyway, you watch...

(I'm not really that cynical of this process, but sometimes it happens.)

- Caleb

Thanks for the vote of confidence Mick!

I dunno, it was one of those - Why didn't I take more time on the details before posting - then the moment was lost - and so Pseud, almost impossible to go back to.

I suppose any poem trying to capture a moment is difficult to re-edit.

Ah well, onwards.

Yep, it all comes at you in a flurry, and if you don't get it all down, it's difficult to pick it up when you go back to it (as the actress said to the bishop). Can I be a pain in the butt and ask you to have a look at my "John Wayne" on the beginners Post-a-Poem. I'd be grateful for your advice.
Mick.

I dunno - I think it will resonate with many.
It certainly did with me in a Joe Jackson "Is she really going out with him"
way.

Nice one
Geoff

Hi Camus,
.
There were some lovely bits in this that I hope if it is revised will be left

Her hair – half done:
Sloppily scrunched
Into a ponytail, ---this is too lovely, I can see it, its rather ruined with the word-girl-like why explain a picture already drawn?
Though the wisps un-taut
framed her jaw with brisk
blasts of wind,--cool once again, you don't need the word- woman-like.

An approach was thunk, then
sunk, for girl and woman
met man,

the telly bit. What about a simple he was, or better, since present tense is always so much more interesting than the past-he is?

bald but brisk;
He brushed her hair from her
eyes, kissed and seemingly

this is too cliche,

missed her lips by a long face.
Sucked her shiny forehead,
buckled her knees



like a cool
friend or a hot lover?

don't know about the ending either, the last two lines, I don't know flat ending , it might be just me but could there be a better ending?

well hope this helps
and good luck with revision
K