Poetry Forum

The regal midnight moon
observes the stately sail-past
of the navy clouds
with her pound-coin face.

Soon the bank appears to slow,
winding down,
so she slips her cable
to slide in silence
through a slot and
disappear in darkness
among the cosmic cogs
and gears.

Lunar wheels and levers move
- she drops down smoothly
through a lamplit hatch
having fed the meter
for another month.

In Heaven,
Holst comes on the jukebox.




Second version
===========

The regal midnight moon
observes the stately sail-past
of the navy clouds
with her pound-coin face.

The bank appears to slow,
winding down,
so she slips her cable
to slide in silence
through a slot and
disappear in darkness
among the cosmic cogs
and gears.

Celestial wheels and levers move
- she drops down smoothly
through a lamplit hatch
having fed the meter
for another month.

In Heaven,
Holst comes on the jukebox.


ORIGINAL

The regal midnight moon
observes the stately sail-past
of the navy clouds
with her pound-coin face.

The bank appears to slow,
winding down,
so she slips her cable
to slide in silence
through a slot and
disappear in darkness
among the cosmic wheels
and gears.

Soon celestial levers move
- she drops down smoothly
through a lamplit trapdoor,
having fed the meter
for another month.

In Heaven,
Holst comes on the jukebox.

Thanks for this Twoleftfeet. Very fine poem to me. There's a typing error on "among", and I could have done without "Soon" at the start of the third.
Love your use of "bank". Can't get enough of plays on words.
Nice one.
Mick.

(i thought this might be about the Dresden Dolls, love them)

very nice.

my only stumble came with "trapdoor"
i like the imagery of the trapdoor, but feel the line flows as it should if you drop the trap and make it simply "door"
read the line with "door" a few times, and see what you think

good stuff.

I've been reading this over and over, I was sure that I was missing something - I was missing something that wasn't there.

Good royal image in verse one - liked the 'navy' pun. Heavy on sibilants, they're scattered quite liberally throughout - effective when read out loud.

I was thrown by the 'bank' in V2, until I realised it was the cloudbank that the moon was sliding into (not a pound coin into some machine!).

'to slide in silence
through a slot and
disappear in darkness
among the cosmic wheels
and gears.

Soon celestial levers move
- she drops down smoothly
through a lamplit trapdoor,
having fed the meter
for another month.' - not sure Keppler would agree here, but it'll do for me!

'In Heaven,
Holst comes on the jukebox.' Perfect out lines - I wonder what piece it played!

Good stuff, really struck a chord (in the end).

Barrie

Thanks for the crits, gents - much appreciated.

Mick
I wasn't happy with "soon" either - it was just there for the rhythm -
I have changed it.

Ty
Likewise "trapdoor" - I wanted to convey downward movement, so I was unhappy with door, but as you point out, "trapdoor" destroys the
rhythm. It is now hatch.

Barrie
The moon really did look like a coin disappearing into a slot, then
dropping out of a shiny trapdoor moments later!
I think the music that played was probably "Mercury" closely
followed by "Jupiter"...

Cheers
Geoff

I thought 'soon' was fine - Now you've lost the alliteration and a word that sounds like the subject of the poem.

'Soon celestial levers move' runs soothly off the tongue.

'Celestial levers move' is lacking in my opinion.

Just a thought

Barrie

Nice one Geoff

There seems to be two themes here. A nautical one and a clock-work one. Not sure about the correlation between the two but it certainly works.

Especially ' lamp lit hatch ' re. nautical. I suppose a lot of early scientific instruments were designed for nautical use so the connection could be here.

Painted a good moving/ mechanical/ mystical moonlit picture.

Minst

"Stark celestial levers"? My objection to "soon" was simply its over-use as a word. I'm still missing an "ear" for more complex rhythm in poetry yet. My brain is as mechanical as the "pound coin face" sometimes.

Thanks for all this education guys.

Nice one,
Mick.

i should think heaven was probably playing holst's setting of the nunc dimittis.

Barrie,
Good point - I've changed it again. Now it has "moon", "soon" and "lunar".

Minst
You're right, the two themes don't really connect, but the clouds I saw
really were navy in colour and the pun proved irresistible.

Having said that, in the heyday of the sailing ship the Newtonian view of the "clockwork universe" wa paramount and John Harrison eventually
won the prize for discovering Longitude with his chronometer, beating off
the moon-observing astronomers. So maybe..........

Mick
I'm just glad you took the time to read it and to comment.

Dillingworth
I'm not familiar with that piece - it sounds more approprriate, or
maybe "Hymns from the Rig Veda"?
My first thought was "Third Stone from the Sun" by Hendrix

Thanks again, folks
Geoff i

That's much better.

You're going to kill me for this...er... Instead of -

'In Heaven,
Holst comes on the jukebox.' - How about

'In Heaven,
the jukebox plays Holst.' - just for the sounds of the Ells and Esses.

cheers

Barrie