Poetry Forum

Old lady, crouching, crusted,
confined to your self-rusting pool,
confounded by the
rainbows and dust vying
for tension at your feet.

Memories cast in that clunking
heart of iron;
of gliding, sliding your way
through your younger years,
intent on pleasing your groom.

Deep cuts left you screaming,
scarred,
marred by man’s ignorance,
of keeping you sustained -
your parallel perfection impaired.

Surgeons rushed to repair,
but you were beyond limits,
so you ponder in your pond,
until you face the incandescent,
and incarnate as a soup can.

I really like the sound, look and feel of this poem. I'll tell you right now I have no clue what "Sunderland 19" means, but I think this works well as a portrait poem.

"heart of iron" - good not to see "heart of stone."

I liked the "sliding, gliding" and "marred, scarred" rhymes.

I see a style developing in you, keep it up.

concerning the end though (the only thing I found any problems with):

‘til you face the incandescent,
and incarnate as a soup can.

I'd either write "till" or "until," and I'm a little unsure as to what the last line means. That metaphor kind of snuck up on me, I don't know if that's a good thing, seemed to not fit with the rest of the poem. She'll face the incarnate as though she is a soup can or is the incarnate the soup can? (Does that make any sense?)

With the ending worked out, I see nothing else to criticize.

- Caleb

Thanks Caleb. Sunderland 19 was a large gear-planing machine. Did you get the "rainbows and dust vying for tension"? The deep cuts refer to the operator (gearcutter or "groom") putting too much strain on the machine slideways (by increasing the amount of stock removed from the gear blank at each pass of the tool head). This led to "Your parallel perfection impaired" (the machine can no longer produce gears with parallel teeth). The ending refers to the scrapped machine being smelted and recycled.
Thanks for reading
Mick

Yes, it does better with "until".

Doh! Now I get it - the personifaction of the machine was too good for me!

At first I thought "Sunderland 19" was a district like "Liverpool 8"
- then I thought it was a typo and should be "Sunderland 0"

I like your use of "limits" - it's probably the only technical term I
understand - and also incandescent.

I stumbled over the last line though, Mick.
"incarnate" can be an adjective and that's how I read it, initially -
"incarnate as a" like "big as a".
How about "and reincarnate as a soup can" or
"soup can reincarnation"
( or even "condensed milk tin reincarnation" Just being silly )

Nice one
Geoff

Knowing that the subject of the poem is a machine makes it sound a hell a lot better. Eveyone's made valid points here - Caleb's right about a style developing too. I've just one suggestion - How about changing the title to 'The Sunderland 19 Machine' (or similar)? I had visions of it being about some old (now neglected) showjumping horse, but I just couldn't make it fit - the old lady, pleasing the groom, the deep cuts (from the jumps). If I'd have known it was a machine from the first, everything would have fallen into place.

Good stuff though

cheers

Barrie

This had a great feel to it. I'm from the north east and with sunderlands ship building heritage I assumed Sunderland 19 was some old ship left to rust. I was wrong but doesn't detract from the poem in anywa. I think it says a lot that so many people read this without knowing what they were reading about and managed to take something from it. Great read, I'll look out for more of you work.

Adam

Hi
Good one again Mick, I like the way you add a touch of subtle humour to
your stuff (soup can) tesco bean can maybe? lol