Feet

[barrie]

Serpentine currents, writhing over damp dust
picked up rain’s musk.
They cooled themselves as they coiled
through lawns, snaked along the gutters,
sniffed the moss
where wall and pavement meet,
quietly brushed around my feet,
blew summer’s scent
about my face.

I had no taste for work today:
no hastening feet
picked up to meet a boring morning’s lateline,
they dragged the pavement,
kicked at grass that clumped the cracks,
sidestepped a dogturd, dribbled a bottletop,
scored a perfect goal between a lamp-post and the kerb,
then turned about
and walked me home.

[Jester]

Nice one Barrie. Loved "They cooled themselves as they coiled
through lawns", and
"they dragged the pavement,
kicked at grass that clumped the cracks,
sidestepped a dogturd, dribbled a bottletop,
scored a perfect goal between a lamp-post and the kerb,
then turned about
and walked me home".
Yep, Summer's here at long last - who wants to work?
Cheers.
Mick

[twoleftfeet]

Impressive.
I especially like the half-rhyme "face/taste" linking the two stanzas.

Each stanza could stand alone as a poem, and on first reading, I missed
the "feet" connection entirely and was going to suggest this. Doh!

"Rain's musk" - excellent, as was the observed trail of the rain,
and, in stanza 2, the Milliganesque surrealism of feet with a mind of their
own.

I have two quibbles though, totally unconnected with poetry, more to
do with envy.

1. Down here the air quality is so poor that rain's musk is but a memory.
2. I'm crap at pavement football.
I got carried away the other day, kicking a burst Frido across the park.
I was just like a Brazilian - Senilho.

You've captured that languid feeling. Festina lente.
Geoff
btw How about "Wet feet" as an alternative title?

[anniecat]

sidestepped a dogturd, dribbled a bottletop,
scored a perfect goal between a lamp-post and the kerb,
Serpentine currents, writhing over damp dust
picked up rain’s musk.
They cooled themselves as they coiled
through lawns, snaked along the gutters,

Vivid images nice twist with the second stanza, as i thought it was about weather at first very good.AC

[Binz]

especially liked "grass that clumped the cracks".

Took me back to my schooldays and I now have Madness' "Baggy Trousers" running through my head!

Binz

[barrie]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment, much appreciated.

Oh Geoff, you say you played like Senilho - did you manage to score a geriatric? ( I can write 'em just as groanworthy as you).

cheers all

Barrie

[Bombadil]

So, I was hoping to have a serious crit here, you know, get back into form a bit...and you have dashed my chances I fear. Nothing much to change.

Is "kerb" how's yous guys spell it or were you playing? It's "curb" for the Californians...


Cheers,

K.

[barrie]

Thanks Keith -

Yes, 'kerb' - the edge of the pavement. 'Curb' is usually used as a verb in the UK, meaning to check or restrain. It's also a chain attatched to a bit for restraining a horse. I looked up the etymology and both 'kerb' and 'curb' are from 'curvus', Latin for 'bent'.

cheers

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

"Oh Geoff, you say you played like Senilho - did you manage to score a geriatric? ( I can write 'em just as groanworthy as you)."

I never doubted it!
Hat-trick? With Eusevio in goal?

[barrie]

You win 2-1 - Eusevio! (bloody big groan). As the Gemans say, you have me beaten Hans down!

Arrivederci as they say in Minsk.

Barrie

[Macavity]

Enjoyed this poem Barrie.

Serpentine, writhing, coiled, snaked - the analogy was precise, temptation meandering its way.

Sniffed, brushed, blew - nothing snake-like about these, but perhaps sustaining the image would have seemed contrived.

Either way good poem.

mac

[Your Bard!]

I think the 2nd stanza is by far the more impressive. Some nice imagery. The first is a more vague affair. Vagueness is fine, but illogicality more difficult to come to terms with. Is there such a thing as damp dust?! Doesn't it become something else when it gets wet. Like dirt?! The overall feeling of malaise and apathy to all but the actually rather trivial matter of a football competition is rather apt.

[Greenman]

I like the flow of this poem and the contructive use of words, which helps it along. Nice poem.

Greenman....

[barrie]

Thanks for your comments mac, YB, and Greenman - much appreciated.

YB - I can see your point about 'damp dust', I suppose you could say it's another name for something else - it's like using the phrase 'dried mud'.

I had used 'damp soil' but decided on the alliteration and the half-rhyme with 'musk'. - I claim poetic licence (honest).

Thanks all

Barrie