Poetry Forum

Inside a bowl,
in sifted soil,
a festive mass is held
for dear departed relatives
(intestate and intoxicated).
The winos’ wake awaits.

Celebrating centipedes
from shiny shells unravel,
worrying the woodlice in a whirl.
Slugs slime circumferentially
as maggot-maids meander,
a miracle of medicine in mire.

Befitting banquet, I must say,
to armoured mollusc munchers
who cut down my chrysanthemums
when midnight’s misty marinade
made tender green too tempting –
and a homeward beer a must.

Thanks for your comments AC.
Celebrating centipedes
from shiny shells unravel, ........do they live in shells?
No they don't, but they do seem to like dead snail!
A guy at work told me snails love beer, and to use it as an alternative to pellets (which I can't use because of the young un). Amazing what you find in your garden when you've left it for a week or two!
Did you get "a festive mass is held"? - lovely

I'd heard about this, Mick.
Does it work?
I imagine so - do you have to add a spot of curry as an "afters"?

I loved the inventiveness of
"Slugs slime circumferentially"
- though I'm afraid that, as member of the KGB (Keep Grammar Boring)
I am going to hav to put 3 points on your poet's licence for sheer cheek.

There must have been a few legless centipedes that night.

Nice one.
Geoff

Ok Mick - so you've changed identity and progressed to the 'big boys' board - and I was only away for a couple of weeks!!

This is poetry - paints the picture with words sounds and wit - I love it.

My garden has been home to mini beery swimming pools for many years - they work a treat - my biggest 'catch' to date being a mouse! (felt a bit guilty about that one). I sometimes wonder if the lure of the ale attracts the neighbours slugs across the boundary, I picture them munching my hostas as they meander towards 'last orders'. Hey ho!

Keep up the writing - it is definately going places.
Well done.

An exercise in alliteration and consonance whilst subjecting gastropods to alcoholic poisoning. Bet you can't read it outloud without stumbling when you're pissed!
Some nice stuff within.

I'll have to find one nit -

'armoured mollusc munchers' - suggests something that preys upon, and eats molluscs. 'Armoured munching molluscs', wouldn't be so ambiguous.

good one

Barrie

Thanks Geoff - as you can see from Lemony's comments, the trap works a treat. Is there no verb "to slime"? .

Welcome back Lemony, and thanks for your praise. I'm becoming a proper poetry junky.

Thanks for pointing that out Barrie - I could sense there was something "not quite right" about that line, but I didn't even get as far as O level in English, so these things don't glare at me like they might to others. Cheers.

O level?

I'll leave that one alone. I'm not one to criticize alliteration (the pot would be calling the kettle a nigger if I did), but I think you've done too much of it, and in so doing, as Neville mentioned, you've muddled it a bit. Unless it was just an exercise for the sake of it. If not though, I think you may be compromising your poem's potential power.

Cheers,

K.