Poetry Forum

Esther

I used to fall for fuller figures.
But as she leaned her leanness on me,
supporting her slight, slenderness
close enough to whisper,
while people pressed past;
my tastes changed.
We both grew hungry.

In a room lending shadows
We’d come to talk.
On a borrowed bed
We came - so to speak.

I tried to learn her lines,
but half light turned to morning after.
Covered by covers of linen on-loan,
memories of form
fade into the ether
with the ethanol.

I won’t forget you Esther.
Or your quiet concave curves.



(As always I always I'd appreicate your criticism)

Hi F8,
Thanks for the read - very entertaining with fine word-plays and sonics.

I particularly liked how you ran with "lend/borrowed/on-loan".
Was the closeness of "lean/"lend/leant/lent" in the back of your mind
when you wrote this?

I was puzzled by "filling fuller figures" - are you taking her for a meal, or is it a device for linking with "hungry"? Should I be thinking along
more bawdy lines?


Plaudits
Geoff

The fillinging fuller figures is slightly more bawdy, I usually like a woman with curves, but the girl in the this poem was very slender and not my usually type at all. The line was orginailly going to be "f***ing fuller figures" or "falling for fuller figures" but went with filling in the end but I can see how this might have confused things.

Thanks for the comments.

Hi F.E. I winced a bit at that line too! To me it doesn't lend itself to the general mood of the poem and, as it's the opening line, sets the reader off on the wrong foot. Apart from that I was impressed. Liked the ending - how you got ether and ethanol to go with Esther.
Nice read
Mick.

Point taken about setting the mood and getting off on the wrong foot. I've made some adjustments to the first. Do you think it's any better, or should I just have deleted the first line alone?

Would have prefered the "hungry" part to stay personally - think you threw the baby out with the bath water. It was only the "filling" I had any problem with, but it's your poem 8.
Mick

Hi again,
I have to agree with Mick - I prefer the original.
I've had a thought - how about "fondling" instead of "filling"?

Geoff

I hope I've grasped what you were both saying. I've tied to keep the things that you suggested but changed the problem areas hopefully.

Is this more what you meant? Any other wek areas?

Thanks for the help.

looks good to me 8.
Nice one.
Mick.

Hi,
I liked the word-play in this, you manage to be whimsical and emotive at the same time(slightly jealous of that). Did get a bit confused with the 'I tried to learn her lines', first thing that popped into my head was actress??, which is obviously cleared up in the next lines about commiting her to memory, but for me it caused a momentary confusion, could be just me of course.

Yes, F8, this is looking good to me, also
Geoff

This piece has some redeeming qualities such as some plays on words mentioned elsewhere, although you do let these run out of control as I indicate below. You could quite effectively develop some mood in a piece like this, but your approach seems to be clever rather than emotional.

Why is there a comma after "slight"?

In a room lending shadows
We’d come… to talk.
On a borrowed bed
We came… so to speak.

— this stanza bothers me on several fronts: come/came is such an obvious giggly play it is painful; lending/borrowed is totally off theme: cleverish, but precious — a distraction that you would do well to crop out; "so to speak" is another nod-nod wink-wink; ellipsis is indicated by spaced periods.

memories of form
faded into the ether
with the ethanol.

I won’t forget you Esther.
Or your quiet concave curves.

— "ether" is an unplanted image, alien to the text. The last stanza apparently contradicts the previous three lines, unless "form" refers to manners instead of her body, in which case you have not resolved the dichotomy.

OK, thought I was done with this but you make some valid points. The
"came so to speak" line I agree is childish it was put in there as it was a reference to something that was said that night but maybe not needed. I'm glad you didn't see the first draft of this though because that was even more childish, you'd have really hated that one.

Could you explain more to me what you mean by lending/borrowed being totally off theme. I felt that was the whole theme of the poem, nothing was given permanently, it was one night.

Your right about the last lines contradicting. I wanted to try and get across that I couldn't remember her exact shape perfectly but I'd remember the night and her slenderness.

Thank you for the comments. Lots to think about and change.

lending/borrowed — either I have not read closely enough, or am far too out of your millieu to get it, or you have not planted the theme elsewhere enough for it to be evident.