Coronary (vilanelle)

[dillingworth]

The human heart looks like
a weapon clad in flesh,
a fist wrapped in blood.

The violating steel,
rude intrusion, tells us what
the human heart looks like.

Coralled in a cavity,
still a rebellious animal,
a fist wrapped in blood.

Pounding a poetic beat
controlling English feet,
the human heart looks like

a bleeding metronome,
smashing every second with
a fist wrapped in blood.

This pulsing piston
fights to crush itself -
the human heart looks like
a fist wrapped in blood.

[calxaed]

I really liked this, especially
'a bleeding metronome,
smashing every second with
a fist wrapped in blood.'

I'm not a fan of strict form (mainly because I can't do it) but you've pulled this off quite effectively, however can it strictly speaking be called a villanelle? My understanding of that form is that there are only two rhymes, by which I mean that all the end rhymes of the first and third lines of each stanza have to all rhyme with each other, as well as the middle line of each stanza. When I tried to write a villanelle I chose heart to end my first line, and by the time I'd got to the end the only rhyme I could think of was fart, so I gave up.

[barrie]

Calxaed was right about the rhyme not sticking to the true form - maybe you should drop villanelle from the title and let us make our own minds up.

The poem itself is up to your usual standards, and sounds like a comment on man's inclination towards violence and self-destruction.

'This pulsing piston
fights to crush itself -
the human heart looks like
a fist wrapped in blood.'

The message was beaten out with a combination of rhythm and plosives - much enhanced when read out loud.

nice one

Barrie

[figure eight]

Wow, that's some pretty powerful imagery, especially first thing in the morning.

The human heart looks like,
a fist wrapped in blood.

Never looked at it like that before but it works on a number of levels especially when you consider the heard being the driving force of anger, that sudden rush of blood.

I'd agree with Calxaed that:

'a bleeding metronome,
smashing every second with
a fist wrapped in blood.'

is my favourite part of the whole thing.

As to whether it should be called a villanelle: again both the previous comments are correct in that strictly speaking it's not, but I feel that the most important part of a villanelle is repetition of the fist and third line through out in the right places which you certainly do. As so many comments on this board are about people who have got to caught up in structure or rhyme you should be applauded for keeping only what was necessary from the structure of a villanelle to make your poem as effective as it is. I would hate to think that some of the images in this piece might have been lost for the sake of a clumsy couplet.

[Bombadil]

Pounding a poetic beat
controlling English feet,
the human heart looks like

a bleeding metronome,
smashing every second with
a fist wrapped in blood.



Dill,

Great, great lines. Wow.

Not to harp, since I like what you've done with the modification, but tis true you can not really call this a Villanelle...But its nearly good enough for me to ignore.


Cheers,

K.

[dillingworth]

thanks for that - i thought the repetition of the vilanelle form is the most important aspect really, and i didn't want to restrict myself to two rhymes for the whole poem! found this way of writing vilanelles quite fruitful so may come up with some more at some point.